The 2009 Douchies: Let the Nominating Begin
The 2009 Douchies are coming. They begin December 7th.
Our two week orgy of excess, heavy drinking, ‘bag mocking and assorted hottie lusting where we go through and process what we’ve learned this year. Where we vote for the best/worst of iconic couplings from our hyper-stimulated over caffeinated media culture, our changing understandings of body, gender, alienation in the age of modernity and really sexy boob reveal.
Get ready. For it’s goin’ down.
But before we give out the awards, I need your help. As a regular reader, a comments thread veteran, or even a casual visitor to the site, here’s where you need to tell me which pics stayed with you. Which hottie/douchey cohabits offer themselves as exemplars of merit. And by merit, I mean poo stain.
Here’s the categories for nominations this year:
Hottest Hott
Best Golden Globes
Smells Like Poo
Orangest Orange
Crimsonest Crimson
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Douchiest Hair
Douchiest Facial Expression
Douchiest Hand Gesture
Greasiest Greasestain
Most European Eurobag
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year
Most Annoying ‘Bagling
The Ricky (aka the “Everybag”)
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka “The Douchebaguette” for the douchiest lady)
Most Innovative ‘Bag Maneuver of 2009
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
Best ‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)
Best ‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads)
Suggest which pics should be nominated in some or all of these categories, or just suggest which pics from the past year deserve recognition. Some categories will be open to voting. Others I’ll just give out, since I’m usually drunk and can’t add up that many votes.
Feel free to come back to this post if you need more time and enter your nominees/suggestions. But help me out. I can’t do this without you. I need you. Anita! Don’t go. The plants’ll die!
Get your ass ready for the 2009 Douchies are almost upon us. Strap in and strap on, cuz it’s gonna be a bumpy moob.
Friday Thoughts and Links
I ponder the human form on this breezy Los Angeles Friday. The Ed Hardy-ization of the self.
Yet even as I weep for the present Hardpocalypse, I toast the future.
For we will move through the spectacles and find the truth, even as our brains become ever more cluttered by the shouting heads on TV, the noises on our phones, the blinking lights on our streets and the greased up moobs in our clubs.
I’m feelin’ optimistic on this Friday. But it could be the plate of wheat germ and mashed yeast I just enjoyed.
Here’s your links:
It’s always worthwhile to remember and honor the greatest seven minutes in cinema history. Put that coffee down.
In case you were wondering when the HC is the DB, I give you: Douchebaguettes.
How to battle the Ed Hardy plague? Australia fights back. “No dressing up like David Beckham” for the win.
Next thing you’ll tell me, babies are douching it up in the womb. At least I think that’s a baby. It could be Quatto from Total Recall.
The usually pretentious and cloying McSweeney’s does a nice job targeting the The Weightliftscreamerbag.
What to do with the detritus of ‘bag culture? Recycle.
Last week’s Shake Weight infomercial has a pretty funny YouTube parody.
John Gosselin tries to de-douchify through ironic comedy and ditching the Ed Hardy. Is still a douchebag.
Okay. You’ve been good. For watching John Gosselin attempt comedy, you’ve earned it:
Enjoy it with an after dinner mint.
Ask DB1: Is MMA Auto-Scrote?
—-
DB1,
The last time I went back to my home town, I was a a bar with some friends and we were making fun of a rather douchey looking individual (stupid tats, affliction shirts, hat with stickers, dumb facial hair, etc).
Later when I walked past him, he stopped me and turns out it was an old friend of mine from high school (who was not really a douche back then). After talking to him for a bit, he mentioned he had gotten into MMA stuff.
I realized that this was not the first time that I have met someone who was a huge douche who had gotten involved with MMA.
Most of them are not black belt anything but seem to just use it as an excuse to not contribute to society and as a way to try to get chicks. I know this doesn’t apply to all cases, like Timothy Lopez and his “Dog” story, but it seems to be rising douche factor.
What are your thoughts?
TM
—–
I place macho spectacles like Tap Out and the MMA in with the WWE. So much of it is a theatrical, cartoonish performance of hyper-real masculinity that some basic leniency is granted to the performers paid to act that way. Making fun of these fighters acting douchey would be like calling out Stallone for greasing up for Rambo. Stallone may be a douche, but not for performing as Rambo in a film. It’s part of the shtick.
But calling out the fans who hope they can play tough guy dress-up to get hot poonany? Absolutely. If you cover yourself with brand names and labels, and they’re not paying you to wear them, you are autoscrote.
Lord Twatlickious the Third
PIC DELETED
Because if you act that stupid with that level of hottosity draped on your shoulder (Bleethed as she may be), then you deserve to be knighted as an aristocratic scrotleman.
Therefore, I dub thee…
Lord Twatlickious The Third.
Friday Haiku
Meaty Ogre face,
Wrinkles with thigh grab pleasure,
Sue looks for exit.
The latest Rourke film
“The Thigh Wrestler.” The Oscar
buzz is starting up.
— Mr. White
Old ‘bag cops a feel
Cindy Lou needs an escape
Use pin, pop bicep
— Justin
‘Roid abuse renders
Spike’s tattoo illegible
Perhaps that is best
— Summer’s Eve
Poor Sue weeps inside.
“Not too late to finish school”;
She thinks for comfort.
-Amerigo Vesdouchey
Backstage at ‘Jovi
Mike and Helen wait for Jon.
He lied to them both.
— boatbutter
Those thighs make chickens
At KFC blush with shame
And hers are big too.
— Crucial Head
HCwDB After Dark
Come on in!!
It’s late nite here at HCwDB, with the Salt Licker macking on the barely legals, and your humble narrator sippin’ from an Ubiquitous Red Cup of the ‘Train.
What to talk about?
Pull up a chair. Observe as Tiny Pink Princess warily endures the ‘Licker’s arm hook.
Grab a Cheeto. Tell me your problems. What’s on your mind?
Ask DB1: Where's the Chocolate Luv?
—-
Dear DB1-
I have followed your site for some time. I am concerned that you are leaving out an entire segment of America and the world. I wish to extend you the benefit of the doubt and am willing to accept your word for it if the denizens of douchery are really almost exclusively Caucasian. But what about all the multi-ethnic hotties?
I have seen the occasional Asian ass pear and not infrequent latinas that make my pants painful; but where are all the darker skinned hotties?
I believe it takes a special level of douche bag to get a black hottie to go for him. He has to be especially insensate to all things appropriate, historically acceptable in order to corner an innocent melanin blessed Hott.
Sincerely, Jared
———-
Point well taken, Jared. The tasty mocha hott I ran this morning reminded me that this is an important element of hott studies we must explore.
I will do my best to feature more of the Sista Hotts, especially the Halle Berry / Vivica Fox types. You are correct to note that they do not have the same tolerance for Suburban Scrotal Pud the way white girls do. Interesting. Warrants more discussing in the future.
Ask DB1: Where’s the Chocolate Luv?
—-
Dear DB1-
I have followed your site for some time. I am concerned that you are leaving out an entire segment of America and the world. I wish to extend you the benefit of the doubt and am willing to accept your word for it if the denizens of douchery are really almost exclusively Caucasian. But what about all the multi-ethnic hotties?
I have seen the occasional Asian ass pear and not infrequent latinas that make my pants painful; but where are all the darker skinned hotties?
I believe it takes a special level of douche bag to get a black hottie to go for him. He has to be especially insensate to all things appropriate, historically acceptable in order to corner an innocent melanin blessed Hott.
Sincerely, Jared
———-
Point well taken, Jared. The tasty mocha hott I ran this morning reminded me that this is an important element of hott studies we must explore.
I will do my best to feature more of the Sista Hotts, especially the Halle Berry / Vivica Fox types. You are correct to note that they do not have the same tolerance for Suburban Scrotal Pud the way white girls do. Interesting. Warrants more discussing in the future.
The Frog Dissects
Props to Wheezer for catching that yesterday’s Dissected Frog ran previously on the site as Alpaca Farm Head.
Either way, this douche is named after the various and sundry economic interests of my investments in natural resources as a secondary source of income.
Yes, I have frog and alpaca farms. I also sell rabbits. Pets or meat. Judge me if you must.
Ever since my New Zealand sheep shearing business was acquired by SheepleCo, I’ve been casting about for new modalities of economic divestment.
And on that note, Sandra’s Long Island gum snapping gets me excited.
E-Blo Gettin' Ready for the 2009 Douchies
June’s HCwDB of the Month winner, and therefore one of our 2009 HCwDB of the Year nominees, E-Blo, is gearin’ up for the 2009 Douchie Awards the only way he knows how.
By exhibiting no facial expression whatsoever.
And by permanently tattooing his passion for Criss Angel.
