Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

This Month in HCwDB History: 10 Years Ago,The Oompa Prompas

Holy guacamole!

Has it really been a decade?

‘Tis true.

All ye glorious ‘bag hunters and hott lusters of yesteryear, it’s been an entire ten sun circles since we first discovered the legendary Hottie/Douchey suburban Jerz High School melted orange Julius that was the Oompa Prompas.

Those legendary crust warriors of Jersey Prom infamy live on today on internet search engines and in the hearts and stomachs of millions.

A decade.

Just as this humble website was reaching its ascendant heights in those halcyon days of the mid aughts, along came the crystalline distillation of all that had gone poo-licious in a rotting, fetid societal dump on the face of good taste and decorum.

We tried to warn the world of the dangers the Oompa Prompas represented. Even when off for some private quality bro time. As one does. Even if one is orange and spikey.

We did our best to sound the alarm.

We saw the signs of imminent decay all around us, fraying, shredding at all that we had built up in the latter decades of the twentieth century. We cried like canaries in the fist pumping club mines, screaming our warnings of the toxic man-children of privilege raging, raging, against the dying of their birthright. They were a danger to all that is good and holy. And we knew it.

And lo, the Trumpocalpyse struck back. Did it ever. Holy crap.

But I am not here to talk about our gawdawful present. Let just say Vegas is in my heart today. And I am here to reminisce about a more playful era.

For as HCwDB is a now an inter-relic, I can look back fondly from my retiree chair, take a bite of a HoHo, a sip of ‘Train, and marvel at all the glorious mock that was done back when actual websites were a thing and the world wasn’t hyper-controlled by the Twitbookle Borg.

So let us reflect on October of 2007.

Consider: In that one month alone we saw numerous legends of Hottie/Schlongy cohabit that went on to internet fame and (no)fortune.

In addition to the legends that are the Prompas, there was The Dude with a Lot of Popped Collars, who made a second, less famous appearance here. There was Batbag. And, of course, the condenced ballsackian mildew of Long Island: The ‘Bag Islander.

There were stench art legends like Douche or Dali, The Leprechaun, Captain Jack Spackle, The Armpit of America, The Ass Pimples and Aqua Brunette, Tony with the Car Dealership, Night of the Living Bed-Head, Vince Vaughnbag, Queen Bee and the Power Chord, Willy Wanker, The Velvet Helmet, Cuisinart Carl, The Olive Loaf and Yellow Dress Hott, and the brilliantly named Thornton Mellon Stewie Head.

Holy Sweet Jebus on a Corpus Christi Cracker. That’s alotta douche/hott legends. One month with enough scrotal display to keep a hundred pop culture historians unpacking inter-gender dynamics for a millennium and a fortnight.

IF you were there with me back then, I salute you. Holy crap it’s been a decade. Sadly, all the comments in the message boards from that era were accidentally deleted when the site was upgraded to its new servers. But trust me in saying, the Mockers back then were glorious in their savagery and wit.

HCwDB may be finished, but the mock will never die. We need it now more than ever.

And I still plan to see all of you when my genius is finally acknowledged at the HCwDB Art Show at the Guggenheim in 2023.

The Oompa Prompas Need a Date

Notice anything missing from this pic?

Yes, it’s true. The Oompa Prompas have lost their dates.

Can you help them find a nice girl for prom?

Photoshop yourself or your loved one into this pic and send it along with your prom story to me here at HCwDB.com.

Because no one should be dateless and burnt umber on prom night.

Not even the Oompa Prompas.

Classic HCwDB: The Oompa Prompas

I know there’s no reason to run this pic again. But it’s hilarious. So lets enjoy.

The Oompa Prompas first hit the site last year in a candid capture as they nervously waited in prom-line, and then this genius pic of the Prompas oranging out with their dates arrived last October. It wasn’t long before they earned a coveted spot in our hallowed Hall of Scrote.

But I just had to post it again. I mean, look at this.

AIEEEEE!!!

Sorry. That was a tiny part of my soul dying.

The Prompas just never get old, do they? And by old, I mean less orange.

Oompa Prompa, Oompity Prom

Yes, the Prompas are back to riddle us with the following question, delivered in choreographed song form:

Oompa, Prompa, Oompity Dom.
We may be orange, but what did you look like at your prom?

It’s true. I had the early 90s blow dried single length hair thing working. And a paisley cumberbun.

But still.

Ladies, you are lovely.

Gentlemen, you are still orange.

HCwDB of the Week: Oompa Prompa

It wasn’t even close. Prom Oompa Loompa just crushed the competition. And by crushed, I mean Orange.

There’s a certain genius to the Prompa, and it’s not just the zoot suit or the orange or the hair. It’s that nervous moment we can all relate to. That glance around right before going to the prom when you’re waiting in line and making sure your tie’s on straight. The only difference is that unlike all of us at our prom who just felt like we looked ridiculous, Prompa actually does look absolutely ridiculous.

The range of emotions that Prompa inspired in the comments thread ran the gamut from hilarity to depression to heavy drinking. As the everpresent anonymous put it:

I stuck a couple of waffles in the toaster for breakfast but this thing in pink just made me lose my appetite. Time to call in sick to work and crack open the first OE of the day.

Nice Old English reference. I’m not the malt liquor drinker myself, but I respect anyone who mixes it with waffles. Born 2B Bag sums up the Prompa pain:

Grieco High, Newark New Jersey class of ’07. This is why Al Qaeda hates us.

They hate us for our hair gels, B2BB. choadasaurus rex wonders aloud at the development that lies in the future for this ‘Bagling and his sidekick:

WTF IS THAT?!?! This teen ‘Bag is definitely pushing the douchebag envelope. If he continues on this path his future here is bright… it will be interesting to follow his progression from prepubescent uberbagosity into a full blown scrote commando. Orange face, pink tux, gray spiked hair… and this is his prom gear. Imagine what his club ‘Bag attire would look like? I can’t even imagine… he is definitely shooting for the stars of douchedum. Watchout world… this new up and comer promises endless ‘Bag material.

The sky is the limit. He’s like the proverbial “next Michael Jordan” of the douchebag diegesis.

I was sad to see ‘Baggish and Syndrome find less support, as both are fully grown and highly accomplished scrotemeisters, well versed in the Art of ‘Bag. Each brought along a fine hottie to balance the equation, especially Syndrome’s (yum).

But the Orange Prompa was not to be denied. And there will be no cropping of this pic. Part of the genius is the long-shot. Finding the Prompa standing nervously in line.

It’s poetic art. Someone call the Guggenheim. Prompa is 21st Century dada at its finest.

So raise Prompa’s orange jersey to the rafters and book him a ticket to the Monthly. He’s officially enscribed as HCwDB legend.

The Poopaloompa

You’ve met the Oompa Prompas.

Now meet… the Poopaloompa.

Ladies, he’s out there.

Gunning for your ovaries with teeny, tiny, little orange spermaspores.

Is Fung a Prompa?

Numerous readers have written in claiming that last week’s HCwDB of the Week winner, Fung, appears to be one of the infamous High School Oompa Prompas, all grown up, sporting facial fung, and having ripened from orange to purple.

First, let us relive the offensive orange-face High School travesty of the Prompas, as they wait for Prom, Pose at the Prom, and ditch their dates to party at the After-Prom Party.

The Prompas echo the offensive minstrel shows of Vaudeville filtered through the lens of Jersey-Douche manscaping.

But is Fung one and the same as Prompa #1?

Even more convincing is this later Prompa shot.

This would make sense, as only the Orange Face clownishness of a Prompa could make such an impact on the HCwDB community without the requisite Hottie to balance the HCwDB equation and force us to contemplate dialectic.

But if Fung is a Prompa, this would also impact both the Monthly and the 2008 Douchies.

Can a Prompa, already enshrined in our hallowed Hall of Scrote be allowed to compete again in the Monthly, and the 2008 Douchies? Or should we hand the Weekly to the runner-up, I Say, Old Chap?

What say you?

Oompa Waspa

Even an Oompa Waspa is struggling to figure out who to vote for in the Monthly.

Man, you know things are bad when Chip Johnson The Third takes time off from the country club and going over his stock portfolio by the pool at the summer home with Father, Muffy and Missy, in order to Orange it up, Prompa Style.

Put down the Man-Tan and get back to prepping for the LSATs, Chip.

Orangest Orange: The Prompas

A well deserved 2007 Douchie to the Prompas for redefining one of the basic colors of the rainbow.

They first ran on the site in that now legendary capture of awkward teenage angst in late May, and again in October.

Take a bow, Prompas!

And by bow, I mean orange.

First runner-up: The Orange-u-tans

Halloween Prompa

PIC DELETED

—-
DB1,

Cheers,
Dan
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Orange Face may be my great contribution to 21st Century American culture.