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Wednesday, August 11, 2010
HCwDB of the Month: Jebus, Mary and Broseph
In a close runoff vote with The ‘Baggle Axe, the regs voted for the pun-filled Eurodouchery crypto gaybaggery of the Jebus and Mary Stain. And the The Semen on the Mount. And Creepy Euro gaybaggery.
The voters speak:
boatbutter: Jesus will forsake Jebus and so do I.
Douchelips: Jebus, Mary and Broseph for the win! (loss). They are epic douchebaggery. First century shirtless posing, hand gestures and a series of remarkably disturbing pictures. I would ride a donkey through the wilderness, sleeping in straw covered haystacks just for the chance to kick Jebus is the daddy long-legs.
Bob Mcadouche: Jebus. If god sent this douche to die for our sins, then ill take purgatory instead.
douche bagel: automatic jeebus for the win. never has anyone induced punch reflex quite like the jeebs
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: It is said that he once cured a ham. There have been reports that he turned ordinary wine into urine. His powers have reached down into all of us by turning our perfectly good food into vomit. He has even cast a veil upon our eyes to question his sexuality at times. How does he do all this? Because he is the chosen one.
Poultry Turd: When faced with life’s difficult decisions, it’s best to seek guidance from above. So, I asked the dude that lives in the apartment above mine, and his reply came down: “In the name of his father, the sun and the holy scrote, choose Jebus.”
soy bomb: If I ever saw this guy in public my first thought would be “Douchebag”, my second thought would be “why am I in this crack-den? Where’s the exit?” Then I would see Mary and remember why I slimed my way into the hell-hole in the first place. I was stalking her. Oh heavily-medicated Mary, won’t you let me hail you?
Wheezer: Verily, thou must remember the time of the Douchies, and that is the time of the Shavior. Mayhap only the Emost High Jebus and His Doucheciples wilt withstand the otherwise certain final victory of the one called Shathouse. Thou shalt have no other Scrote Gods before Him; Jebus is Risen!…..as has His personal bodily aroma.
Bag Margera: I’m not really religious or anything, but using religion to bag gorgeous Mary hotts, burns me up like a witch in Salem. Jebus FTW, and by W, I mean the Passion of Mel Gibson .
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Jebus for the sin. Mary wails at the temple and God weeps for the children.
Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni:Something tells me if I drank Jebus’s Holy Water it would turn my intestines into a log flume.
Plowboy: Sure, we see plenty of steroidal, tattooed, Ed Hardy-wearing scrotum-poles, but Jebus has left behind all these earthly delights to form a whole new chapter of douchiness. This is where the devolutionary ladder forks, and we can expect to see more clowns like this to be spawned in the months to come…
Creature: Jebus… for he can do miracles… when he touches his cockk it turns to stone, marble to be precise, which impresses the ladies, until he touches it to them & it turns to linguine… wet slimey linguine
justadouchalo: I am currently seeking papal dispensation to hunt down and kill Jebus but, until I get word from the Vatican, off to the yearly he goes.
smackdouche: Jebus: (humbly,quietly) I want them to vote for the most deserving. Mary: (commanding) JEBUS REQUIRES YOUR VOTES!!! CAST THEM NOW!!! Who am I to contradict Jebus and Mary?
Fyodor Dostedouchesky:Jebus for the monthly and hopefully a nailing to a cross.
Justin: Jebus may be gay, but his outlandish, unrelenting level of douche-traits and searing hotts makes him the best candidate for crucifixion. Nail him up!
dbBen: He tells the hotts that he’s Chaldean. It’s just familiar enough to be mysterious. And because they buy it, it makes me want to sucker punch a land-mine.
As Peter, Paul, Randy, Geranium and the rest of the Jackson Five Disciples once observed, gay or simply asexual like his namesake, Jebus is the only path to pure douchescrote. But a close second, The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa sisters:
Professor ‘Baglioni: Why ‘Baggle Axe? He’s wearing a metallic helmet (the aviators, shoulder tatt, and leather pants don’t help either.) And the Marissa sisters (particularly the one to the far right) are charming in that girl-next-door sort of way.
Et Tu Douche?: Me thinks he’s PTP but none the less he is Douche. He was probably drinking a protein shake, after having gotten back from the Jim Naseum when his fellow unemployed Chippendale Bro Christian called to tell him “Hey I know this isn’t the big leagues like we were used to but I found you a gig, and at $50 and free finger food, it’s a no brainer. All you have to do is show up at this bachelorette party, at the Holiday Inn Monroeville as a gladiator”.
armydouche: With deep thought and much inward contemplation, by which i mean gouging my eyes with a spoon, I cast my vote for baggle ax. For only he has the unholy leather pants of GSR, the shoulder tat of douchitude and an enchanted golden helmet. He’s gotta get bonus points for that helmet….
Douchey Lewis and the News:GSR, check. Strange tat, check. Tight leather pants with large belt buckle, check. Golden pith helmet, check.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: I must cast in for the ‘Baggle Axe and explain why. He is tainting the lovely Marissa #2 in the middle. Luckily, M2 is well grounded and will survive a few moments of axeposure, but the ‘Baggle Axe’s brazen efforts to taint the sentient Marissas will be rewarded with my vote.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Leather pants? Check. GSR? Check. Obnoxious tattoo of what appears to be either a Roman Centurion or a toilet brush? Check. Gnawable Amanda Bynes hott on his right? Check times three.
Troy Tempest: I go with Baggle Axe. His baggery is excessive, and while the Marissa sisters aren’t classic hotties, they are all sweet and attractive young women who have no business being in the same zip code as Baggle Axe. Baggle Axe is exactly what we must stop with this website – stop the advance of mindless baggery that is infecting sweet young things like the Marissa sisters.
Wedgie: Baggle Axe. Anyone with enough stones to wear the same battle helmet the flying monkeys wore in Flash Gordon deserves some props.
Well done, jackass.
The ‘Baggle Axe nearly pulled it out, but the power of Crust compels us. In third place, the real world putzitude of Smugger John and Valencia:
Medusa Oblongata: Smugger is just a slovenly plastic bag full of cream cheese. The only thing worse than a douchebag is a lazy douchebag. And I’d venture a guess that Valencia goes both ways. I gotta chance! Smugger John FTW.
I R A Darth Aggie: Smugger John FTW ’cause Valencia has the least amount of clothing.
End the Haberdouchery: My vote goes to Smugger John and Valencia. The weakest douche of the bunch, but the hottest hott. And isn’t mocking douchery in the presence of hott what we’re all about here? Sure he’s not slathered in Preparation H, but he is choad nonetheless.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Because Smugger John’s neck tatt says “Chop Here”, he gets my vote in the monthly.
And in a solid but distant fourth place, our Canadian Superdouche Posse and Slutty Hott Kimberly, The Mountinis:
Battlescrote Gallactica: A super nova of tribal tats on tanned, roided skin, ultra-gay hair, a six pound watch, Afflictionish shirts, women’s sunglasses, bling chains and fake diamond earrings send these two tools straight into the Douche Stratosphere.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: I must go with the Mountinis, for they have brought shame and disgrace to my nation’s flag. All the others are worthy choads, but only one has smeared their filth across an entire nation.
Sack O Douche: Kimberly sticks it out like a champion slut. And I thank her for that. The Canadian Bro Bags are all confused with the tough guy/metro/gay/ roid bag look. I like it so much I say congrats you Canadian taints!
RAPETIME: . F@ck you, Canada. I thought you were cool, man. Plus that Kimberly has one fine bumper.
Sir David Douchenborough: No, as much as it shames me, the Moutinis, with their Hindenmoobs, represent the best example of “Run-audiger selection” in that all of their features demonstrably reveal that they are so disconnected with the actual consequences of their bag traits that they genuinely believe that this somehow enhances their standing and competitive advantage.
Indeed, Canada has let us down. But this is Jebus Christ Doucherstar’s time to shine. And by shine, I mean flush. Lets let Baleen take us home:
Finding it difficult to decide among our contestants, I ventured to the bathroom to take a shit. I thus employed an old ritual taught to me by the bag hunters of old. I examined the brown offering in the ceramic bowl. It had a silt like appearance and pungent yet fresh aroma. Very smooth, very noxious. By divination of my poo, I choose Jebus ftw.
The Divination of Baleen’s Poo is enough to settle this one. We’ll see Jebus and Mary in the Yearly. And the DB1 flies back to Los Angeles.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010This Week in Basebaggery
Houston, we have a douchebag.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010Reader Mail: Brisbane Has Brisbags
Aussie ‘Bag Hunter writes in from Australia:
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Dear bag hunters,
I’m a long time admirer of this site, but I have one small quibble.
You see, I live in a little place called Brisbane in Australia. It’s a great city in most ways. We have some sweet cultural capital going on down here. One of our problems though, is that we’re a long way from anywhere and with this country having a population that is small and spread far, the only time we get to see the really big music acts is at our music festivals.
Now I’m not complaining about that. I’m just saying, if we sent one ‘bag hunter to one of our festivals, you would see we have the greatest douche-per-hotte ratio on the planet, or at least outside of L.A. and Sydney, and so I feel we are sorely under-represented on HCwDB.
As evidence, please see just one of the many possible examples attached. She’s the kind of girl who has a smile that warms your cockles and a body that could revive even a corpse-bag’s knob. His level of baggery is exemplary of the summer festival going ‘bag and speaks for itself.
Regards,
Aussie ‘bag hunter
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Ah, Australia. You give us actors and beer, and we give you mass marketed hair grease. You give us Aussie Rules Football, we give you David Beckham. Oh wait, that was England. Blame England for that one.
Mmm… Kylie Minogue.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010Coors Blight
When garish fake boobs are in an Ed Hardy bikini and Groin Shave Reveal haunts the lower part of the image like toxic eye cancer, it’s time for some real world Quattro Pear to bring us back to what is right and just and benevolent.
Quattro Pear is not pearbrushed nor photopeared. It is real world gnaw.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010Mandana Morrie is Sad
Not even able to win the HCwDB of the Week, despite bringing a phenomenal boobie hottie to the game, Mandana Morrie sadly consoles himself.
By bothering some local bar wenches. While wearing arm mesh.
Monday, August 9, 2010Frankie and Petey: The Boob Brothers
Somewhere. Out there. There are boobs to be grabbed.
And wherever those boobs are, Frankie and Petey will be there.
To grab them.
Monday, August 9, 2010Meatclown Matt’s Do and Don’t
Meatclown Matt don’t know from Weekly or Monthly voting.
Heck, Meatclown Matt don’t know from basic math. Or advanced rotary function.
But Meatclown Matt do know one thing.
The ladies love Angry Sun God Cartoon Ra shoulder tatt.
Monday, August 9, 2010Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn Just Voted
While prepping for the next HCwDB of the Week, Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn wanted to stop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Month.
And then pose for the next pic in the global modern art project, “iPhone Hottie/Douchey Bathroom Pics.” It’s being put together by a broad consortium of global artists and performers, including Banksy, Spike Jonze, Harmony Korine and Lilly Ledbetter.
The coffee table book, Hot Chicks and Douchebags Self Portraiture in Bathroom iPhone: The Global Artists Project, will be available from Simon Spotlight Entertainment in the Fall of 2012.
Monday, August 9, 2010HCwDB of the Month
Four quality finalists of hottie/douchey mucktimuck. The prelims are over. And while we won’t see this douche until the next Weekly, it’s time for you to bring it. It’s the HCwDB of the Month.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Smugger John and Valencia
Chalk up the Smugger for “real world” ‘baggery, and Valencia for Emanuelle level female self exploration of budding sexuality.
The Smugger was an unlikely victor in the Weekly, but the Monthly is a much bigger fry to cook. And by fry, I mean underwear reveal, and by cook, I mean mock like it’s a buttcheek wart.
The Monthly is, of course, the last step to competing at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December for the HCwDB of the Year.
Can the Smugger and Valencia compete?
Perhaps. For Valencia’s leg boots are quality gnaw.
But that brings us to choice #2:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The ‘Baggle Axe and Marissa Sisters
The ‘Baggle Axe took down the heavy favorites in his Weekly (The Stars Hawk and Blight)
Pretty impressive ‘Baggle Axer with bonus toxic groin shave. But enough to take the Monthly? That remains to be seen.
On the Hott side of the equation, The Marissa Sisters are real world Philadelphia giggle.
Especially you, Marissa #1 on the left. How I would pooch your glutes and slap a whisky glass with a dead halibut just for the chance to harmonize your convergence.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Jebus, Mary and Broseph
Who could forget The Jebus and Mary Stain, and The Semen on the Mount?
Our creepy Euro party coupling of the Monthly, the Jebus and Mary Stain is all sorts of cultural blight iconography.
Perhaps.
But The Passion of the Crust is all sorts of mockable club scrotewankery.
Shirtless, pouty, rich trust fund asswipery at work in the overpriced Grey Goose ordering purgatorio of Euro ambivalence.
It’s enough to make me slap a Romanian baker and ask for change.
And Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of accent. Let me gnaw. Let me gnaw.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Mountinis and Kimberly
Blame Canada. When Fred and Jed Mountini go for Appletinis, all hope is lost.
Our Canadian entry in the Monthly, these three Northern Blights represent all that has gone wrong in our friendly Canucks of the North.
Are they performative spectacle? Perhaps. But that is no excuse for Fred Mountini’s ridiculous hair. And while we can’t get a great look at Kimberly, her hott factor is legit.
But lest your humble narrator ramble any more on this Monday after he returned from the Cape, let me turn it over to you.
Which of these four Weekly winners brings both toxic douchosity and delightful hotticity in combo enough to win the Weekly and compete in the Yearly?
Vote, as always, with your reasons in the comments thread.
If you still haven’t created a profile on the site so you can vote with confidence, you can set up a profile here.
Sunday, August 8, 2010Vinny D’s “Summertime”
I just prayed for a nuclear winter.
