Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Shirtstains Mack on Pocahontas Cutie

You be starin’? You be in trouble, yo.

Freddy will take you down with a fingerpoint.

The Strapperface

Doucheface and beachstraps just de-tonsiled the baby Jesus with a butter knife.

Tiny Taut Tonya is firm, fertile and will buy you a popsicle. And, really, is there any more in life needed to confirm a theistic and moral universal framework?

EDIT: Had a premature pubjaculation with this post this morning, so am moving it after the Monthly vote for its deserved period at the top of the mock chain.

HCwDB of the Month: The Tardopoulous Brothers and Stephanie McGee

In a “Battle of the Bros” ™ between the Tards and Ms. McGee, and the powerful stench of The Poos Brothers and Terézia, it was the toxic stench of fratbroery and boobies that, in the pooper, won out.

The voters speak:

Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: My vote goes for Stephanie and whoever is with Stephanie. Mmmmm, boobs…

Bigphatnotadouche: Stephanie’s boobies makes me think of all the ways I would like to soil those fun bags. The douches make me think how to soil myself after a weekend of tequilla and burritos.

collossus of choads: Tardopolous brothers. Fuzzy-tongued douchebags if ever I’ve seen ‘em.

DouchYouWannaDance: You’ve gotta admire anyone who can pull of camouflage and a tiara in the same outfit and still look good. Steph FTW.

dbBen: The Tardopoulous Brothers. The punchworthy factor is so strong with them that the emotion completely overwhelmed me and broke me. Now I’m just a little depressed zoloft lump and didn’t even hit the screen.

Freddy: Tardopolous, though Stephanie may not have “it,” the Tardopolous have it in spades. And by spades, I mean I want to hit them with a spade.

Vin Douchal: She’s Auto-Bleeth just being in the room with the schmegtacular Tardopoulousesesses much less posing happily with her dreamboats. Steph and Bro’s for the month and a good paddeling.

Choad the Douche Sproket: Stephanie and the Tardopolous Bros. FTW…after which the dudes need to be euthanize d… or be condemned to share the rest of their lives in a small dingy cell, applying lotion to Dieter’s ever-more-crusty epidermis whilst he softly sings Edelweiss to them and dreams of Der Fuhrer.

Deltus: The Tardopoulous Bros and Stephanie’s glorious funbag motorboat flesh ride bouncy bouncy heaving jiggling swollen member inducing love mounds of awesome FTW.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Stephanie. I will rub my head against your taught melons, until the squeaking noises make you giggle and krinkle your nose, and the static causes my pubic hairs to stand on end. Yours would stand on end too, if you had any.

Luis Douchuel: I want to give my vote to the one who needs it the most. That one is Stephanie, since her her bust and IQ are roughly the same, she doesn’t have a whole lot else going for her. Except looking adorable in a tiara.

ehcuodouche: The Tards get the edge based on douchal signifiers. They also are more punchworthy and inciting of violence to otherwise harmless forest creatures. And boobies.

Well said, ehcuodouche, but the Poos Brothers were on a mission from God, as is Terézia’s creepy high bellybutton and sexy pooch belly.

Fatness: Terézia’s natural curves and nice smile make the two chunderheads next to her that much more offensive. Hopefully they trundled off to play sword swallower shortly after this photo was snapped.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: the power of Christ compels her to immolate the turd monkey next to her and the soon to be ass hat behind her. Jackals and baghunters and ‘huntresses rejoice at her site for for she is the offal maker that cleanses the palate AND the eyes.

DarkSock: The Brothers Poo and Terézia are higher on my list than her navel is on her torso. Her belly button is so high when she got it pierced her insurance paid for it as a tracheotomy. The PooBros are a stereophonic fecal Bronado.

Sir David Douchenborough: The Poo Brothers and Térezia because Opus Dei would have a freakin’ field day and reenact The Inquisition if they found out their innocent soon-to-be-non-virgin members of the Church were about to descend into such scrotological sin.

Daggerbagger’: The Poo brothers, unlike Deiter and Zebra(who are freakish anomalies), are real-world scotums who pose a very real stench threat in your very neighbourhood. Yes, you’ve seen them ‘illin beachside mackin on hotts and crankin thumpin beats, and yes, it pissed you off. They need to be slapped on their smarmy faces by a large wet fish.

Nancy Dreusche: I’m gonna go with the Poos Bros and Teréhighbellybuttona. She looks like the sweetest of the hotts and the least deserving of the douchbag double team.

Coming in third and fourth respectively, but each with mockers who mocked, Mister Zebracrotch and Karnie, and the eerie Dieter and Minnesota Marnie:

Douchey Lewis and the News: Minnesota Marnie and Dieter FTW. Orange skin, pink lips, duck face, dress shirtless vest, sculpted brows. Dieter is the Lucky Charms or douches. Packed full of your daily requirement of ass wankery.

El Bastardo Magnifico: Minnesota Marnie and Dieter just ever so slightly edge out Guy Fieri and that other chick. What the hell is Dieter? He looks like a Billy Idol head got stuck on a Stretch Armstrong and left in the microwave for twenty minutes.

Stephanie: It’s hard to believe this, but Dieter actually smells,the smells are coming out of my screen, it’s so bad. Or is that my husband silent farting again? I cannot believe Marnie rubs up against that stain!

Anonymous: Zebracrotch, yeah, well that hair and that stupid mankini, but at least he looks like he’s having fun.

pugsly: Hots be damned, Dieter is a stain, a greasy foul smudge in the alley of douche. D FTW.

Steve L: Tard & Steph are classic HCwDB. but Zebracrotch is evil. EVIL. like Dracula. therefore, i must vote for Zebracrotch.

Very true, and Imma put Dieter in the Closet of Poo for creeping me out with that weird kissy lips orangey tan thing.

But this was Tardopoulous week to ascend to the (un)holiest mountain of mock. And Stephanie McGee to boob a babooby.

Lets let Finbar J. Geherty take us home:

Our little hotessa McGee, with her curly locks, bodacious tatas, and sweet indifference to the foul stench of douchness that surrounds her, takes the prize.

Indeed she does, Finbar. Indeed she does. They are quality mock dialectics. And McGee is curvy confusion. We’ll see The Tard Bros and Stepahnie competing in the Yearly.

Excellent work to all for a well parsed debate and vote. And, now, the DB1 for Frosted Flakes.

Douche Feet

Some Tuesdays, ya just gotta mock the douche feet.

Scarf Bernie Isn’t Interested in Women Making out

Sign #65 of severe scrotebaggery: More interested in the camera observing you observing women making out than in actually observing women making out.

Help Felicia Find the White Belt Saggy Pants Asswipe (Sesame Street Singalong Style)

C’mon, everyone sing along!

One of these tools is not like the others,
One of these tools just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which douche is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Did you guess which tool was not like the others?
Did you guess which tool just doesn’t belong?
If you guessed the asswipe wearing the white belt saggy pants is not like the others,
Then you’re absolutely…wrong! They’re all douchey.

Beware the Blue Feather Hottie

The Zoastrians predict that a Blue Feather Hottie bearing the Mayan Eye of Coitus will someday mate with Gozer the Destroyer of Worlds to form a Stay Puft D.J. Asswipe with dog tags and stupid belt.

Or I could be getting my sophomore year ancient religions class mixed up with 80s movies references again.

Which has been happening to me ever since I took Introduction to Quantum Bueller II Freshman year.

Too Tight Tony Runs With the Goose

There are many things rotten in the proverbial “Denmark” that is our collective Jungian unconscious.

Deep seeded anger issues against the constraints of modern discourse.

Desire and denials to touch boobies in high school.

And then there’s Pud Joe, aka Too Tight Tony.

Who sucks on a fully conscious level.

And does not require complex analytical mapping to discuss the suckitude.

Rachel and her Besties giggle like waterfalls and like to pop popcorn and watch “House.”

Jesus Chest Guy and Buff Kimberly Voted

Your standard issue Jesus Chest Guy and Buff Kimberly decided to drop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Month.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Month

It’s a brand new week and your humble narrator is ready to rumble. So lets crank it up. Lets get things poppin’. Lets mock some choad and lust their hotts.

I need you. To bring it. Here’s your nominees:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Poos Brothers and Terézia

Classic Vegas schroad?

Perhaps.

But the Twinbaggery is stereo, and not just Stereodouchtonic.

The Poos Brothers are bringing the stupid face.

Terézia has brought the creepily yet sexily high belly button pooch belly into play.

Together they form the alchemy of a pure hottie/douchey mixture of frothy alpaca cud.

But enough to win the Monthly?

Lets see what else we have. Oh yeah, this one:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Minnesota Marnie and Dieter

Dieter is so wrong, a euphretes desert gecko named Ron just shed six layers of skin and coughed up a half digested cricket roach.

Which is pretty damn wrong.

If you think about it.

Minnesota Marnie isn’t impressed by Hyundais.

But she is impressed by tasty soda pop on television sets.

I have no idea what I’m saying. Lets move on:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Mister Zebracrotch and Karnie

Oldsack.

Hangs like lumpy oatmeal in the breeze.

Marnie wants money.

That wasn’t a haiku. It was simple truth, W.H. Auden style.

Because when people mess with me, like Zebracrotch embracing quality lady kind, then I bust the ole’ English poet inspired quality smackdown free verse.

Like 8 Mile.

Only with more Longfellow.

Speaking of Longfellow, where’s Bubbles? Maybe she can help me straighten it out.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Tardopoulous Brothers and Stephanie McGee

The second of our two Tag Team Douchers in the Monthly Finals, the Tardopoulous Brothers are East Coast “Brah!” pudwankery.

In fact, Vegas oddsmakers figure they might split “bros” the vote, letting one of the other nominees slip in for the win.

Are the oddsmakers correct?

Or can the tonguey punchworthiness of the Tardopolous and the tasty boobie bouncy of Stephanie McGee triumph (lose)?

That’s where I need you to come in.

Only one of these four can make the Yearly.

And it must be the best, choadiest slice of wrongness of the four.

Which rises to the top (bottom) of the pile?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.