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Saturday, October 13, 2012
Comment of the Week: Vin Douchal
V.D. takes down Marty Crotchenrott’s pollution of Amanda in Vegas and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:
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Amanda’s thinking this is as good as it gets. She may be right. Three kids and yet another month with no child support payment will not be rewarded with gratification when the D.A. suspends Marty’s drivers license.
He’ll still be tooling along the 405 to his job manning the copier at Office Depot, hitting on the hot secretaries dropping off their work. The rejection piles high but Marty rises to the occassion in a tank top in front of his mirror each night, tatts out, fan blowing in his face as he mouths the words along to Maroon 5 seeing himself as a dude that just couldn’t catch the big break.
No Marty, you caught the biggest break of all when delicious Amanda fell for your line of auditory diarreah and tough guy posturing accentuated by horrible, meaningless and unsightly tattoos. And you blew it. Chaulk it up to the times and lack of effort and substance. You suck. Hard
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Friday, October 12, 2012Friday Thoughts and Links
Mongor.
Still out there.
Still with glass head.
I’ve always had a thing for the sexy Chiquita mama hoochey areeba areeba hotts. I think it all began when I was a kid and I saw Bugs eat Carmen’s banana.
Wait. That didn’t sound right.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Amazing Documentary Pick of the Week: “If there was ever a hell on earth, it’s Dallas County.”
In the 80s, we found this sort of thing funny. Very strange. Bobcat’s charm is one thing that didn’t make the leap in the DeLorean.
Star Wars. Opening day. San Francisco. Hippies.
Twinkies lives! The DB1 may make it to 40 after all.
Mad Magazine explains why the war can never end.
File under “classy:” Restaurant urinals shaped like women’s mouths.
Details magazine asks are you raising a Douchebag? Still to be answered: Is Details writing derivative comedy columns?
Mecha Hineyho joins that douchey place in the sky.
You mirin? Own the swag.
iShredded. No really. It’s an app.
But you are not here for iShredded apps. You are here for pear:
Like four cuts of prime slobble chompy chew.
Friday, October 12, 2012Brothabag Leon's Chin Pubes Debate "Yankees" vs. "Boobies"
In the quest to determine whom Brothabag Leon’s chin pubes love the most, the “Yankees” vs. “Boobies” debate continues well into the Vegas eve.
Oh, Inflata-Ashlee, how your bubbly personality and lack of vocabulary beyond monosyllabic cries combine to inspire my lizard brain to seek pooch suckle spackle chaw.
Friday, October 12, 2012Friday Haiku
In a subway car
There’s all nationalities;
She is a Pole Lock.
Forget Kung-Fu grip.
This bleeth has Ham-Poo clench.
Frees hands for phone calls.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
Hey! If Kegels work
for incontinence, ‘Poogels’
work for Hershey squirts??
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
This young lady’s had
So much sex, she now needs to
Keep a place holder
— saulgoode42
“mustn’t look” he thought
spandex butt calls like siren
angina flares up
— Douche Springsteen
Monkey hole event
horizon pulls all objects
inward to be crushed.
— UFO Destroyers
Butt eats subway pole,
chews it with her iron gut,
then craps out thumb tacks.
— Troy Tempest
Sometimes you sniff the
pole, sometimes the pole sniffs you
But don’t lick the pole
— DoucheyWallnuts
You may have my seat
Old gentleman offers it
Thank you. I can’t. Stuck.
— Vin Douchal
Thursday, October 11, 2012The Orangudan Still Caught in Meaningless Circle of Orangeness and Depression
HCwDB of the Month winning Orangino, the Orangutan, is heading towards 2012 Douchie Award winning status. But he is not satisfied.
On the negative side, abusing his body to conform to a shape meant to give him cultural validation.
On the positive side, sideboob.
The Oraguntan burps pensively.
Thursday, October 11, 2012Marty Crotchenrott ruins Amanda's Vegas Trip
Amanda’s Nana back in Urbana will not be pleased. Neither by the Facebook pics. Nor the pap smear results.
Thursday, October 11, 2012Mongor's Glass Face Scares Children and Dogs
Shards of douchal aura emanate off of Mongor’s dead visage like the numbed halos of calcified cherubs.
No idea what that means.
Kafkina Kardashian regrets leaving Albana for that Upper West Side au pair job back in ’98.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012True Love
(not pictured)
Wednesday, October 10, 2012A black guy, a guy with a giant chin, a herpster, and a tiny hot chick walk into a bar…
The bartender says, “Hey, why the black guy, giant chin, herpster and hot chick?”
Wait, I told that wrong.
I was just never that good at telling jokes even though I tried. In grade school, they used to call me, “the guy who was never that good at telling jokes even though he tried.”
Which I thought was a little too on-point to really qualify as a nickname.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012Seven Boobs Walk Into a Bar…
The bartender says, “Which one of you seven boobs is a douchebag wearing a douchey-ass shirt with douchey-ass bullets on it?”
And the seventh boob says, “I am.”
Wait, you heard this one before?
John Largepud has.
