Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Your Monday Morning Post Filler

Old Man Gabanzo and Inflata-Aryan Sue are alls I got while we wait for Rev. Chad to shake things up around here.

Hey, it beats having to sit through nine minutes of commercials to watch two minutes of crappy d-grade late 90s rom-com on basic cable.

Lookin’ at you, CMT Network. If that is your real name.

Collective HCwDB

For those of you who have been putzing around these holidays and had the temerity not to check in with HCwDB for the past few weeks, there’sa changes afoot in these here parts.

The douche mock is going multiperspectorial.

By this I mean some of the bestest and funniest of the regualrs in the comments threads will be contributing thoughts, rants, and assorted sundries on semi-regular and hopefully regular basis.

And of course I’ll still be mockin’ in true DB1 style.

Coming up shortly, the very first of the most anticipated column since construction began on the Parthenon, “Ask Rev. Chad.”

Party Douches

A lil’ trip down douchery lane…

Comment of the Week: Aristotle

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy. Especially when the Sharkbag is macking on Tiny Mayan-Eye-of-Coitus Giggle Booble Fondles.”

– Aristotle

Friday Thoughts and Links

“Stingrays Aluvva thaa boobiesss!!!”

I have no idea why I picture a short, squat, Italian pizza man witnessing this event and proclaiming that sentence with pride.

But I do.

That’s my fantasy and I’m sticking to it.

Well, that and this dreamscape from last night.

It’s a brave new world here at HCwDB in 2013.

Anything can happen!

And by anything, it means your humb narrs sitting around in his living room, lying on his still-stained rug, scratching his crotch is vigorous vertical motions, enjoying a Yoplait yogurt, and watching Drew Carey sleepwalk through The Price is Right.

Here’s no Bob.

But few are.

Remember to spay and neuter your ‘bags.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!”

Our Balls, Ourselves

This geniusness gave me a Jewish Comedygasm. And have you tried getting borscht stains off of your pants? (done in Seinfeld voice)

Have a young daughter? Want to turn her into a Bleeth? Now there’s a kit!

Save the Horses! Sex and the Ponies?

Oompa Loompas wanted for crimes in the U.K. Joey Porsche wanted for questioning.

Okay, enough of my shenanigans. Have some Pear:

U.P.S. Pear.

Or as I like to call it, Ups.

Friday Haiku

Look at his girl** and

fellatio handlebars!

**Her name? Lucy Furr.

Tying girls to tracks

is passe; Snidely Whiplash

now uses roofies

— Morbo

Handlebar mustache

Doesn’t distract from baldness

Or doucheness, either

— DoucheyWallnuts

Tell me friend have you

ever danced with the devil

and the pale bald guy?

— Chris Brown Note

She grew bright blue horns

Since the Gyroscope was put

In her Monkey Hole.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

The End of All That Is Holy and Decent And The Rise of Douche Satan

And then this happened.

EDIT: Caption This Pic contest in the threads. Top three to be posted this afternoon.

EDIT #2: Your winners:

#5: “What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas. Except Chlamydia.” — Bag em, Tag em

#4: “Dr. Nick could never remember to put the valve stems on the INside of the chest cavity.” – Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

#3: “Why can’t I get that hard?” – Dickie Fingers

#2: “As Tommy chomped on Cindy’s right breast she suddenly flew backwards over the horizon with a wet farting roar.” – DarkSock

#1: “With the assistance of a Kevlar banana hammock stretched tightly against his anus, Danny’s falsetto voice could make breasts swell until they burst. To celebrate his achievements, he tattooed on his chest the name of the school where he picked up his unique ability: the School for Wanking Young Donkeys.” – Jacques Doucheteau

HCwDB in 2013

Boobs n’ Douche.

That’s what this site is made of.

That’s what it’ll always be made of.

But there are some changes in store for this humble site in 2013. I’m all outta multiple daily douche mocking, so that’s gonna slow down. And besides, the regulars in the comments threads are far funnier than anything my Night Train and HoHo infested mind can come up with these days.

So for HCwDB-2013, some of the regs’ll be contributing to the daily mock. Writing weekly columns of their own on all things douche-mock and anything else they feel like writing on. Still figuring out the schedule, but I’m hoping to promote five or six regulars to their own ranting columns in the next week or so.

That way each day’ll stay fresh with something fun going on on the site.

I’ll still chime in with daily-or-so douche mock when appropriate quality pics come my way. Hopefully do some links on Fridays. The ‘Sock’ll still do his Friday Haiku and maybe another column.

It’s time to open up the site a bit to talk about larger cultural issues and concerns that need addressing.

And by addressing, I mean pooping on.

And Pear.

Always Pear.

Especially Uberhott Texting Pear.

Orangeman Jones says, “Happy New Year!!”

This afternoon, Orangeman Jones plans to invest in soy futures.

The Silk Sheer Caramela Twins are paid to appreciate your staring at their suckle thighs. While the clock is running, they pout wistfully and thank you for your attentions.

EDIT: It has been confirmed that Orangeman Jones is none other than the one and only Nick the Dick from Bachelor Party. Not looks like Nick the Dick. The actual Nick the Dick. Slow-clap please.