Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Haiku

It’s now Big Chief’s turn;

Make White Man see strewn trash, cry

Salty Fuccen Tears

It puts the cheap beer

In the basket or it gets

The hose. The spew hose.

***

She don’t do rain dance

Since the gyroscope was put

In her Monkey Hole

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

This is one War Dance

That makes me ejaculate

Into my loin cloth

— DoucheyWallnuts

The Grieco spirit

Has come, after eating bad

Peyote buttons.

— Capt. James T. Douche

Lost Boys dance party

Tinkerbell let herself go

twerks in Pan’s face. Son.

— Douche Wayne

Now I can see why

Native Americans find

this shit offensive.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Semi-employed Ned Unbuttons Tablecloth Shirt, Scores Hottie Jewess Rachel

Semi-Employed Ned likes to mock conformity by wearing a mass produced “Obey” baseball cap with his clone-like adouchrements.

Hottie Jewess Rachel dips apples in honey for Rosh Hashanah. Which is a euphemism for the sex.

Cosplay HCwDB And why Comicon Sucks as Much as Burning Man

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

“Nerds” are the new douchebags.

There are no subcultures left that aren’t exploited by the popular kids trying to claim the mantle of legitimacy by pretending to have once been ostracized outsiders, or “nerds.”

It’s a fraud. A ruse.

The latest way for the Armies of Seacrest to cash in by pretending they’re anything but rich, privileged, arrogant assmunches.

And if you guessed that my former D&D playing ass is pissed about it, you guessed right.

Joey Travolta's Nightmare

I suppose this could take place in my dreams, Jersey Angie.

A place where Joey Travolta, bastard half-brother of noted toupee wearing Hollywood redundancy, John, explodes in day-glo shirtwear as the soul of Jersey roasts on a spitfire like so many tortured demigods in satanic fury.

Although lately my dreams have tended to veer towards Denny’s bacon ice cream sundaes.

Because that’s what happens when Baby Ruins Libido.

in other news, I just formed an indie punk band called Baby Ruins Libido.

The Kettlehead for Hall of Scrote?

Reader Kevin calls for a quorum vote:

———

How in the hell is kettle not in the hall of douche bag fame, this guy’s douchebag photos are the stuff of legend!

———-

It all began on an inglorious day in 2009 with this atrocity. The Kettlehead, his creepy distended ‘brow, and his propensity to take photographs with assorted hott chicks then went on an HCwDB tear:

The Kettlehead goes Country

The Kettlehead goes Butch

The Kettlehead Pops Collar

The Kettlehead’s Shaved Chest with Dual Hott Action

The Kettlehead Pops Collar, Shaves Chest, and Snags Tasty Tonya

More Kettlehead ‘Brow

The Kettlehead Goes as Himself for Halloween

Kettlehead Suave

The Kettlehead Revealed

The Kettlehead with Tasty Peach Brunette Sylvia

The Kettlehead Pulls a Geraldo

The Kettlehead Creeps on Chiquita Hott

The Kettlehead Goes The Full Khan #1

The Kettlehead Goes the Full Khan #2

And, most recently, The Kettlehead Wears a Tie and Retardo-shirt with Blue Hott Kelly

Back in the Halycon days of HCwDB, a scrote like Kettlehead couldn’t even pull enough douche/hott combos to win the HCwDB of the Week.

But thems were the days when the site got dozens of submissions and your humb narrs didn’t have to do any work around here.

I still don’t do any work around here. But whatevs.

Like a fine wine, or a rotting series of molds and fungi, the Kettlehead just gets douchier with age.

What say you? Hall of Scrote? or nay?

And if you need any additional info before voting, there’s this.

Where's Adventure Time Guy?

This one’s for the cartoon aficionados amongst us.

Somewhere in this captured moment of paid-to-pose stripper/drink-serving hottness and creepster fratwank stalker, I’ve carefully hidden an annoying hipster dressed as a trendy animated character from a show intended for stoned teenagers.

Look closely.

Can you locate his plotless surrealism?

Mokie The Undies-Wearing Twatwaffle Attends a Rooftop Party

And when Mokie The Undies-Wearing Twatwaffle is rewarded with doublepear at said rooftop party, then a cute baby lemur finds its cookies peed uponst by an angry Alpaca sex god.

Kettlehead Says Happy Labor Day!

HCwDB semi-legend Kettlehead has ditched the Kettle atopst his head to simply become… Head.

However, the douchal ‘brow remains in full effect.

As is the power to attract slutty bar hotts named Kelly.

Happy Labor Day to all long time ‘bag hunters! Your humb narrs just celebrated the one-month anniversary of this strange creature who has entered my home and demanded care. Sleep is not to be had.

So priorities have shifted around here.

But douchebags still annoy. Like this unworldly gang of barely pubescent pudwacks.

And with my unwittingly Bleethy protege, Snooki, now firmly ensconced in popular culture on the upcoming Dancing with the Stars, my penance is not yet done.

EDIT: More classic Kettlehead HCwDB here, here, here, and here.

Shady's Back

Like a creepy Japanese prank show, or a rash in the nethers, your humb narrs is back from walkabout.

Updates may be slower these days.

But like an hysterical Japanese office dude who just wanted a sake, the hysteria will continue. Oh yes. It will continue.