Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

More Elliptical Selfies From the Dirty Jerz

They don’t make enough Lysol to clean the stench of pokey nipple selfies on inflatable clouds trying to impress nineteen year old yoga instructors named Sophie.

Vinny Del Peen Says, "Stay Warm, East Coast!"

I have no idea if Kathy Del Mar is a man, woman, or some combination therein. But I do know that Vinny Del Peen sucks and with a lower level of submissions to HCwDB these days, these are the HCwDBs we go to war with, to paraphrase Rumsfeld.

My insecure sexuality is rattled. Need more Israeli Semitic Booble Suckle Gal Gadot to reassure me.

That 'Bag, Redux

This douche has appeared many times on HCwDB over the years.

Always in presence of hot chicks.

Always douchey.

His name, however, is blocked from my mind by what’s left of the synapses trying to protect my psyche after nearly eight years of gazing at douchey/hottie pics on a daily basis.

So I forget.

And I accept that I forget.

So let us forevermore mark this ‘bag as the ‘bag to forget. And let us also appreciate the sulty sluttyhot sexytimes offered by Blonde Belinda, and her Ginger/Maryann counterbalance with Innocent Rebeccah.

I would butt bong multiple glutes with talcum powder and a used french fry doily.

Here’s a cloud getting arrested.

And, for counterbalance, some gympear.

Vegan Karl Buys Melinda a Mai Tai

Vegan Karl’s vitamin deficient stare and pallid skin tone is haunting me like a zombified iPad commercial.

You know, where Robin Williams describes poetry over images of Japanese people iPading sumo wrestlers and Indian people iPading a traditional wedding while Philip Glass-esque music recalls Koyaanisqatsi like some great big unaware and thus ironic exclamation point on the residue of global violence and cultural destruction in the wake of neocolonial Western media ubiquity.

Just another example of the vision of Steve Jobs. How to shit on the authentic by selling technology with overpriced design made by nine year olds in third world countries to alienated first worlders desperate to reclaim the very authentic experience that they’re lost yet appears in the commercials selling that loss back to them.

At a hefty profit, of course.

Steve Jobs can rot and Apple can bite me.

Now, coffee time.

Marnie Kisses an Orange Challah

It must be Shabbos.

Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's Two Wankers

Dual Peaches Point offends Buckingham Palace and piddles on the Queen.

Somewhere in Passaic….

An elliptical smells like a mixture of bodyspray, groin sweat, and incurious community college essays.

Worst Everything of the Year: "Falling In Reverse"

We have our rankest serving of choadsteak for the year and it’s only January.

Vice continues to get on the douche mocking train with this quality takedown.

A napkin and a hearty handshake to the first person who makes it to the two minute mark without urinating on a Talking Tina doll.

Friday Thoughts and Links

I don’t know what’s going on here and I don’t want to know.

Sailor hotts cohabiting with rippled Pringlebags smell like feta cheese under a Tuscan sun.

Your humb narrs doesn’t know much these days.

Diapers and working on a new book define my life.

What I do know is that I heard Gerry Rafferty’s Baker Street on Sirius yesterday and it was glorious. The chorus is a freakin’ sax riff fer crissakes. 70s music is before my time but the fact that this amazing song was even produced in a sea of bad disco inferno and skyrockets in flight makes it even more of a masterpiece.

On to the good stuff.

Here’s yer links:

Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit on Amazon to Support the Site Link of the Week: “This city desert makes you feel so cold, It’s got so many people, but it’s got no soul, And it’s taken you so long, To find out you were wrong, When you thought it held everything.”

Remember Crimson Paul Bunyon? Turns out he’s a something something Sons of Anarchy something something.

1990s Action Cinema summarized in two seconds.

Every single Hot Weather Girl compiled in a single website. Because internet.

Celebrities read mean tweets. Almost makes up for the inexplicable fact that Jimmy Kimmel is somehow incredibly famous and successful.

Middle Eastern terrorists are so stupid, they can’t even spell Los Angeles correctly on their flight jackets.

Oklahoma man charged with using an atomic wedgie to kill his father. “Wedgie.” The word still traumatizes me. Looking at you, assholes from Senior Bunk, Camp Kingswood, 1985.

Okay, lets get to the good stuff:

SelfiePear

When the iPhone is upgraded with a fancy lens, then the Pear will come into autofocus.

Friday Haiku

Brett learned a lesson:
Don’t let pine pollen get in
Your cocaine supply.

These are not the Clowns
you’re looking for. These are not
the clowns anyone…

– Charles Douchewin

Up your nose with a
Rubber hose, said Fonzie. Don’t
Know what he’d say here.

– DoucheyWallnuts

Beaker’s new gig at
rhinoplasty got results.
He won’t stop “meeping”.

– Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

She dates the Bozos
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole.

– The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Thinks he’ll get lucky
Sure, they wear the pink balls now
Soon he’ll wear blue ones

– Vin Douchal

With his nose so bright
Rudolph will guide his meat sleigh
Into her crab trap.

– Crucial Head

It puts the septum
in the bucket or it gets
deviated hose.

– Douche Wayne