Lakebaggery

    Wednesday, April 20, 2011

    The Strapperface

    Doucheface and beachstraps just de-tonsiled the baby Jesus with a butter knife.

    Tiny Taut Tonya is firm, fertile and will buy you a popsicle. And, really, is there any more in life needed to confirm a theistic and moral universal framework?

    EDIT: Had a premature pubjaculation with this post this morning, so am moving it after the Monthly vote for its deserved period at the top of the mock chain.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, February 7, 2011

    Speedo Shot First

    Somewhere, a long way across oceans of time and space and sands of golden nuggets… way past the fjords of dead parakeets and across the planes of rural Huutju…

    A lonely bison steps on a lemur.

    And it goes “spppppllllleeeeeettttt.”

    And at that exact moment, halfway around the world, three Speedo douches converge in Y-Wing formation to crush Kimberly.

    It’s all connected.

    Cosmic connections.

    And murky lakewater that smells like pizza oil and patchouli.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, January 12, 2011

    The Prophesy of Miguel’s Mini-Faux

    “And lo! When Miguel’s Mini-Faux aligns directly with Kelly’s giggles, the douches will gather by the thousands uponst their boats and make hand gestures… and the Lord your G-d will grow angry at their cries of “Whatup?” and the lake will tremble with the stench of Axe Bodyspray…”

    — Exodouche, 4:20

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 7, 2011

    Wanksta Wally Owns a Boat


    He just wanted you to know that.

    He also wanted you to know that he plans on adding the word “Son” to the end of every sentence he speaks to the ladies.

    “Where you goin’ with that drink, SON?” It’s a trend that deserves derisive and immediate scorn.

    Mmm… Smiley Brunette with Perfect Posture Patricia. Yes, you. The one next to the overgrown suburban tumor named Dave. How I would softly cup your index fingers between a hot dog roll and an empty box of Mike & Ikes, and whine softly to you about the pleasures of wedgies.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 3, 2011

    Snow Leopards and Shoescrape Tommy

    bam.

    What, you thought I’d go light on you cuz it’s a new year?

    I don’t think so. No Weekly this week, but we’re rampin’ up a full slate of hottie/douchey mock.

    Shoescrape Tommy is two inches of plain undies poke away from finally making the manager position at Arby’s.

    Snow Leopard Lonnie digs his impressive expertise at Call of Duty: Black Ops.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, October 28, 2010

    The Loch Nipp Monster


    Kathy had heard the legends.

    Gelled hair and bling in water.

    Stupid mandana.

    Flexy pose.

    Kathy had heard the legends. But she didn’t believe.

    Until it was too late.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 22, 2010

    Uncle Henry’s Nephew is a Douche

    Sorry Uncle Henry.

    I realize you’re recently divorced and looking to mack on the Lake Havasu Ladies now that you bought a motorboat as you attempt to cling to your long faded youth.

    But your nephew, Brook, ain’t gonna help you out with that, Uncle Henry.

    For he is twatwaffle.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, October 20, 2010

    The Creepshow 2 Lake Sludgetatt Survivor

    Don’t think of it as really bad tattbaggery in yet another lake setting.

    Think of it as the markings of a survivor of the Creepshow 2 Lake Sludge Monster.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 2, 2010

    Ubiquitous Luane and Corporal Faux Cloud the Water


    Not content simply to compete in the HCwDB of the Week with Captain Rehab, Luane’s brought Corporal Faux to her Army of the Unwashed.

    Gonna be tough to beat that level of cloudy taint-water.

    Looks like Luane’s in the lead to win the Weekly.

    # posted by douchebag1