I HAVE SUCH SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU*
We’re hip deep in October, my piggies. The air is crisp and the barometer’s dropping. Eviscerated pumpkins festoon our porches, every child in America will kick-start a life of insulin dependence with a pillowcase full of concentrated sugar, and the Christmas decorations have been in the stores for seven weeks. Sounds like Halloween to me.
And so our glorious leader, the DB1, in his questionable judgment and infinite desire to foist this floundering relic of a comedy blog onto someone else’s shoulders so that he can enjoy a few days of googling teen quartasian cosplay videos in relative peace, has tapped me, Baron Von Goolo, Master of Horror, Mayor of FrightTown and Hunter of ‘Bags, to regale you with a week’s worth of douchebaggery so terrifying, so soul-sucking, that your teetering sanity will have less chance of surviving than Kevin James’ post-Here-Comes-The-Boom movie career.
That is to say, not much.
Booga booga, muggafuggas.
*scary movie reference
1990 Sucked
EDIT: The original sunday clip was made private, so instead lets all remember that, twenty-two years ago, this was released in theaters.
1990 was not a good year.
HCwDB of the Month: Yankee McSpankee and Andrea's Dreas
Your humb narrs finally got around to tallying up the vote, and the douchey-ass grenade tatt and female grenade globbles barely bested the barely legalities of Alissa and the Pepscrote.
The voters speak:
Tits McGee: Pepscrote is young and still has the potential to grow out of this horrible phase. Yankee is in it to win it for life, and for the month.
IRA Darth Aggie: Alissa and the Pepscrote FTW. DoucheyWallnuts says it well, but let me point out that Alissa and Pepscrote have the greatest ratio of non-bleeth to scrote.
FredN.: While I still think Gayle is one of the hottest real worlders to appear on this site in over a year, I vote for YANKEE MCSPANKEE/ANDREAS as worst pile of asplodin’ poo.
Colossus of Choads: I believe Yankee has what we are looking for. And by looking for, I mean as candidates for fumigation.
stereotype, but…: Even though Guyliner Gary looks like an evil, greasy furbie, and Tri-Vag’s sheer dorkiness begs for mock, it has got to be Yankee M–the signifiers and the look on his face speak for themselves–he is douche and she is bleeth
Douche ex Machina: Yankee McSpankee, OTOH, is. It was the grenade tattoo even more than that Yankees hat that sent me over the edge. YM and Andrea FTW (loss).
Jeet Kune Douche: Let them never breed, so their genetic poison does not infect humanity. It would be a gift to mankind if they were thrown into the primary lava pool of Kilauea. Thus would the world be cleansed, and the sun would shine brighter thereby.
SonnyChibaChoad: Yankee McSpankee and Andrea’s Dreas… Winners all around
Charles Douchewin: I vote for Andrea and McSpankee.
For McSpankee is archetype douche, and undeserving of Andrea or her dreas.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Yankee McSpankee and Andrea’s Dreas FTW! Why? ‘Cause its 1 (Ed Tardy shirt. Really??), 2 (Grenade tatt. Seriously? No appreciation for the hott), 3 strikes (Yankmees hat, smug look, and facial pube dusting) you’re out at the ol’ ball game.
Vin Douchal: as her Diacos would fly in the wind when she mounts ya. Oh yeah, and Yankee’s a colossal Douchebag
Hermit: I disdain all the douches with near-equal hatred. I too have become a bit jaded, but I gotta‘ go with Yankee McSpankee for sheer boilerplate douchiosity.
Well said, team, and great to hear from a lot of classic ‘bag hunters. Coming in a close second was the barely legal hip poke and douche hair of the Pepsico:
Chris in ‘Baghdad: Alyssa takes the cake, and thus drags the middling ‘Bag Pepscrote across the line. Sez me.
DoucheyWallnuts: Alissa and Pepscrote FTW (loss) and by FTW I mean Alissa and her hip bone gives me a renoB. Andrea and Yankee McSpanky are noteworthy, yet do nothing spectacular, while Alissa’s hip bone is spectacular.
Et tu douche?: Alissa and the Pepscrote get my vote an by my vote I mean her perky nipple calls to me in my dreams.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Alissa and Pepscrote for the underage doobies. I mean boobies. And that hip is dang fine too. Guy Fieris.
Well, we know who the pervs in our midst are. Respek. Third and fourth were Guyliner Gary and Goth Gayle and Tri-Vag Dave and Real World Heather.
Los Douches: Guyliner Gary and Goth Gayle, because Gayle just does it for me (my thing is normally for blondes, but Gayle…yummy). Plus Alissa is very, very underage. That gives me the creeps.
FoghornLeghorn: Guyliner Gary and Goth Gayle for the win. McSpankee and Andrea (oh, Andrea) are contenders, but Gayle looks like she’s dirtier.
Leery: A hand grenade tatt is just fucking idiotic; yet guyliner gary deserves a punch in the eye….decisions decisions. Hell, we have not a goth champion for a while….Guyliner Gary it is
But this was boobages and douche tatt’s Month to shine/mock. Not sure they’re gonna be favored for the HCwDB of the Year, but they have earned their place. Lets let talking puppet Troy Tempest take us home:
Yankee McSpankee for the societal loss, because as long as he breathess, precious oxygen is being wasted on his precious bodily fluids. And by precious bodily fluids, I don’t mean spooge, I mean bile because that is what passes for brain fluid in this scuzbag. When he wakes up, flowers die. When he breathes, kitten jump into blenders. When he speaks, whales leap into volcanos. He doesn’t use AX body sprray, he uses VX body spray, and when he sleeps, the world breathes a sigh of relief. He has fangs in his butthole that make holes in his turds, which make them faster to cook for dinner.
Friday Thoughts and Links
A word of warning when douche hunting in the wild:
Jesus Bling + Ed Hardy Jorts are far more potent when mixed together than when mocked individually.
It’s kinda like Pop Rocks and Coke.
Taken separately, they’re both tasty snack treats.
Taken together, and they kill child actor cereal eaters.
Vegas Nicole has the white teeth and sturdy backbone of a former cocktail waitress at the Luxor, working the 2am shift. She has fought through many a situation, and yet yet taut suckle pooch remains firm.
For that, I respek.
And by respek, I mean nervously buy her a Bud Light Lime without saying what I really think of Bud Light Lime.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB K-Cup instant coffee tasty-ass selection of the week: mmmm… Mahogany…
Mmmm… Kunis.
Although Aryan Jennifer Lawrence is definitely making a run at the champ.
Mongor Find Pear. Unfortunately, the pear was not canned correctly and has gone bad.
Bronzer Fail. Poo laughs at you, Paleface.
And then there’s a dude who wants to pee in your butt.
Bored this weekend? Enjoy some mind blowing scientific discussion from the mid 1970s.
But you are not here for retro science. You are here for pear. And we got two choice selections on this fine Friday aft’. First up:
A stretch in time saves butt fondle. Next up:
It’s like staring into a reflecting pool wishing well. With butts.
Friday Haiku
No dates for the Prom?
Don’t worry, Young Trust Fund Kid;
There’s always CraigsList
Young Eddie Munster
Has a shot at a threesome;
I’m very depressed
— DoucheyWallnuts
They were all impressed
with your Halston dress until
Crybaby showed up.
— Douche Wayne
“Which one should I wear?”
asks douche to disappointed
dad. Lone shot rings out.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
Shmucky Goldstein Flips You Off, Vyvyan Style
Vyvyan style is no way to talk to a village elder, Shmucky.
Sarah Goldstein’s Bleething is slight but her Persian Semitic-hott pudge buggle sings siren songs of pooch spackle cupcake slobber, and for that I paw her Mikvah with Talmudic aplomb.
The Yo La Tangwads Discover Pear
I sense an odd blend of acoustic guitar, salsa rhythms, melodic rapping, and bodily fluids will emerge from this collaboration.
Designer Dog Tags Danny is Unimpressed by Sideboob
Designer Dog Tags Danny may be asleep.
Mongor No Like Bake Beans
They make Mongor sleepy and unable to adequately fondle hotts with unemotional zombie-like stare.
Jodie Lets Mr. Neckfunguous Buy Her a Beer, Wears his Mandana
Jodie, the sweet giggle bobble who sat next to you in Chem 2 junior year, is now out of school and working as a temp in Milwaukee.
Sadly, she now hangs out at the “Roadhouse Inn” to earn her street cred bonafides. And tries desperately to forget the suburban malaise of her high school years and her three year relationship with Scott, and before that Kevin.
So she lets Mr. Neckfunguous buy her a beer. And dons his mandana with giggley aplomb.
The Bleething has begun. But you can only watch from afar, reduced to a Facebook voyeur/quasi-stalker. And you can only hope she’ll pull out of the nose dive before neckfunguous progresses to crotchfunguii.
