Monday, July 21, 2014

“Yea Though I Walk Through the Beaches of Douche”

Melissa-satta-kevin-Prince-Boeteng
Cast not thine holy douche spray uponst thy hottest of hotts. For the Tool is my Sherpa, I shall not spittle. Lo, into the abyss is Your stenchy facial fung and stupid hair. Let it not cast bodyspray uponst thine pear. For if it does, you will know Thine spirit hath foretold the unholy wrongness only whenst fondle is of purest suckle thigh by taintest of twatwaffle.

— Corinthian Leather, 25or6:4.

# posted by admin
Monday, July 7, 2014

Douchebags are Apparently Back

I’m not okay with this.

Not.

Okay.

With this.

Unironic braggadocio with stupid hat and doucheface. Performed by shamelessly moronic hip hop suburban choadwanks.  Flashin’ Benjamins, luxury (rented) cars, and lots of paid-to-boobs as proof of alpha male package.

The stupid. It burns.

Yet The Huffington Post just called this the proverbial jam of the summer.

Not okay.

Reeks like foot fung. Like donkey dung. Like the absolute worst of the mid 2000s.

I’m not saying HCwDB is back. I’m focused on my Podcast these days.

But after we’d accomplished so much over the years, I am not okay with this. A pile of rank taintstain. A pustulous music ‘video.’ It is a step back into a fetid pile of sheep piddle.  It rankles the cockles of my benevolent soul.

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, June 9, 2014

The Bafflegab Podcast Launches!

LogoDarkHoly crap!!  Your humble narrator bought a microphone!!

Now what??

Who the hell knows? I sure don’t.

But why not pull up a chair?

Grab a tasty cola beverage from the cooler on the lanai.

See what’s new with your humble narrator.

If you are a fan or otherwise remotely tolerant of anything I’ve done lo these past eight years then I beseech thee to head over to www.bafflegabpodcast.com and take a lookie-listen.

Yup, once a week I will be sitting down with one of the many people folk that has circulated through this strange life in Hollywoodland.  We will discuss philosophy.

And poop.

And tasty Hostess snack cakes.

And whatever else strikes us as relevant to the puzzlement that is life in the modern macro microscope.

Here’s that link again: Give a listen. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell this guy.

You can also subscribe to the Bafflegab Podcast through iTunes, RSS, or any of the other sundry digital pipelines that criss-cross our conceptual multiverse like an ephemeral game of Connect Four.

I hope ya dig it.

And if not, there’s always a clown eating an ice cream hoagie.

# posted by douchebag1
Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Captain Toxicnip and Sarah Get Ready for the Podcast!

sdfsdfsdf

Recording equipment? Check.

Various sundry personalities in the greater Los Angeles area willing to banter on microphone for extended periods of verbal intercourse? Check.

Yes it is on. Like Captain ToxicNip’s scary nipular Proboscis. It has perked.

Your humble narrator will be launching a new weekly podcast!

All things hottie/douchey history will be discussed, along with riffs, rants, babbles, and spew both psuedo-intellectual and very very stupid.

If you’ve dug what I did with HCwDB for so many years, I hope you’ll check it out.

More news shortly…

Breaking…

Breaking bad…

Breaky breaky heart…

Breaker Morant…

Moonbreaker…

I must break you.

# posted by douchebag1
Friday, April 25, 2014

HCwDB and New Frontiers

sdfsdf
While it’s true, the HCwDB Experience as we knew it has come to its preordained conclusion (respek), new frontiers await.

I have just finished moving the site to a new (cheaper) server, so you might need to delete cookies to log in or something. But all should be copacetic again around here.

However! Hark! Alack!

For all those who enjoy the hottie/douchey Socratic debates, your nethers shall tingle again. Like some bad retro-metal band called Tingle Nethers. New underling fondlers shall arise that resemble old, leathery choadscrunchies.

Or perhaps as glorious as Simian McBarnicle and Nadia’s (pictured here) working class Russian dating life.

Because, in Soviet Union, rednecks might be you!

Wait. I think I mixed up that punchline. Because I get my one-joke comedian catchphrases mixed up all the time.

But enough of my babble.

If you’ve enjoyed my mock and rage in all its many forms, your humb narrs is putting together a podcast for your listening enjoyment. I should have it up and running in a month or so, and will announce all in due time.

In the meantime, you may continue to peruse the archives. Or join the time traveling ways of DarkSock, who continues to bring the mock like a postmodern Marty McFly back in 2005.

Either way, HCwDB will continue onward and upward. Or upward. And Squidward. And always, always with glorious alpaca fondle.

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, February 24, 2014

All Good Mock Must Come to an End

DB2080-739387

It’s time.

The hottie/douchey mock has been an embedded and integral part of my life for eight years now.

We have explored the vacuity of club culture in every permutation we could find. It has been an incredible journey. But it is time for me to stop. At least as a daily blog.

That being said, nothing’s ever really over in internet land. HCwDB will carry on. But in a different way now. Perhaps as an archive of the past eight years of hottie/douchey poo stain on our culture. Perhaps on message boards. Or in occasional updates.

But today marks the end of the HCwDB experiment in its initial run.

And who better to send us off then the first breakout hottie/douchey doucherstars of this site, the late, great, majesty of inflation and boob grab that is Pumpy? Like many of purest of uberbags, Pumpy burned as bright as he did briefly. The Pumpster left us far too soon, but is forever in our hearts and boob fondles.

There is so much I want to reflect on. Please indulge me. While it is impossible to tell the full journey of HCwDB in all of its multifaceted complexity, I do want to hit some of the high (and low) notes.

Or, if you’d like to hear me tell it in my own words, listen to the podcast I did a few weeks ago in New York (dated 2/17/14). It covers a lot of the behind the scenes drama of the rise of HCwDB.

What started as a goofy blog idea for a few friends almost exactly eight years ago quickly turned into a viral phenomenon and then, improbably, a career.

Here are some of my thoughts on the run:

The Early Years
TheShocker

It all began in the dark days of 2006.

One day I saw a ridiculously hot girl walking around with an orange tanned chest shaved Ed Hardy wearing fauxhawk and stupid bling sporting tattooed assmunch.

Something had to be done.

Someone had to speak up.

A voice of protest shouting at the canker sore lip herp spreading across the humorless land of Pickup Artist cacaphony and really stupid manscaping.

DB12007WC2I had no clue what I was doing. Daily picture blogs didn’t even exist. My free blogger software forced me to upload my images to imageshack and cut and paste them in.

Although the pics have been lost to imageshack hosted time, here’s what my first few weeks of posts looked like. The writing? Not so impressive.

But mock I must. And so I did.

I set a few rules.

No real names of people in the pics. Takedown requests would be honored. PG-13 language if possible.

And, of course, self-deprecation at the heart of all mock.

I felt these rules were fair enough to allow pointed hottie/douchey commentary to take place.

I was pleased and amazed to find that others wanted to join me in mocking douchebags and lusting hotts in all its primal monkey-poo lizard brain herd wrongness.

I began to receive a few emails. Then more. Then, eventually, thousands over the years. Some hilarious. Some dangerous. Some bizarre. Some intelligent. Some depressing. Many threatening legal action. Some quite poignant. Some angry. Some very silly.

Of course, as I kept trying to tell everyone, I’m the biggest douchebag of all.

Gradually the site began to ingratiate itself in the interweb consciousness.

Gainin’ Steam
7
Around 2007, the site began to take off.

Rolling Stone plugged the site in its “best of the web” column. I did my first radio interview on a British radio show called The Ugly Phil show. You can listen to the interview here (the music is also what inspired me to name my MTV show). You can tell how nervous and amazed I am that anyone is talking about HCwDB.

Yahoo made HCwDB a pick of the week. Thrillist featured me as well. Here was my somewhat incredulous post from the day that I realized HCwDB was starting to explode.

I began to hear from a number of military personnel serving overseas in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One pilot in Afghanistan emailed me privately for months promising to send me a t-shirt of his unit when he got back home. Then one day I stopped hearing from him. I have no idea if he even made it home. I was just humbled and honored to know that HCwDB was able to brighten up their dreary days in those hellholes.

I realized that mocking the silliness of youth culture had an element of profundity to it.

People needed to laugh.

And who better to laugh at then douchebags?

I was interviewed on the enormously popular Los Angeles morning drive radio show, The Kevin and Bean Show. The site crashed from all the hits.

I learned that HCwDB was being hosted on a shared server. I learned what a server was. And then quickly upgraded.
I did more interviews. This included Playboy Radio. You can listen to the interview on Playboy Radio here (starts 34 minutes in).

In May, Simon & Schuster bought my book pitch. Here’s Gawker’s snarky post from that day.

I began work on my book, one that I remain quite proud of. Especially when I got to see it given so many times, interestingly enough, as wedding gifts.

And that, I thought, was that. What more could a blogger hope for than to write a book?

Much more, as it turned out.

HCwDB Comes of Age
GoldenGlobesDouchie3
2008 was when the site really exploded.

And by exploded, I mean oiled up cans in proxy with spiked up choddlescrote.

HCwDB got even more press. The book sparked a debate in Las Vegas.

I had the uberhott Elizabeth Banks talk up the site on The Tonight Show and Jerry O’Connell plug it on an embedded late night show that has since disappeared into the ether. I did many radio interviews. I even turned down a bunch of TV because I was lazy and a bit shy.

My book came out in July.

I did signings in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. I had the pleasure of meeting dozens of readers in each of those cities. Suddenly the abstraction of writing HCwDB had become real. I signed everything from books to Ubiquitous Red Cups.

Then I got sued. A few times. But luckily there’s this thing called The Constitution. Both cases were thrown out of court for sheer ridiculousness.

I got agents. I wrote up a reality show pitch. I pitched it. I sold it to MTV. Another network that wanted the show but didn’t get it went ahead and made it anyway. I remain unamused.

But I had my show and I was thrilled. I got to create, cast, executive produce and write voiceover for what was the best HCwDB show I could have hoped for, Is She Really Going Out With Him?. MTV let me run with it for three seasons and call a bunch of serious scrotes out. A pleasure indeed.

The show was a solid hit on MTV. The book got optioned by New Line. I wrote two drafts of a script for the studio. Sadly, the movie never got greenlit. But other than that bump in HCwDB’s conquering of the world, it has been a lifechanging pleasure to mock douches and lust hotts for your daily entertainment.

The Golden Years
Crosshair

For the next few years, the mock was choice. Submissions were high. The comments threads were bumpin’. I was pleased to see the douche mock expanding even further into all corners of the pop culture consciousness.

But even with the success of the TV show and book, the core of HCwDB has always the website. And we have mocked some very toxic hottie/douchey examples over the years. Sometimes readers met up with each other.

I encourage you to peruse the archives located in the left hand column. Or just check out the Hall of Scrote and Hall of Mock. You can read of Douchie Awards in years past.

Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy still roil my nethers.

The classic ‘bagitude of the now antiquated Joey Porsche.

The face most deserving of a fish slap that still haunts my nightmares in Fish Slap.

The vile arrogance of The Ab Lobster.

The endless party of King Douchuous the IV.

The ridiculousness of Kisseus Vomitorious.

The arrest, release, relapse, and updates of Hall of Scrote Chicagoan Donkey Douche have embodied the HCwDB ethos for years. Or just read The Donkster in his own words.

So many epic scrote/hotts. So little time.

I must acknowledge the epic douchery of The Gator, the lumpyness of Smoot, the stupid chicken frying poetry of Stackhouse the Poet, the party spikes of Four Prong, the ass-bite of Benzino, the sad desperation of Mack the Nozzle, and the ridic face carve of Brothabag Leon, just off the top of my head. But there were so many other profound scrotal sores over the years. How could I sum them all up in one post?

At the heart of it all, The Unholy Grieco sits. The Unholy Source Douche and I even interacted on Facebook once. Now I just sorta feel bad for the guy.

And lets not forget the sheer, unadulterated joy of classic bro Bra!! Has anyone ever enjoyed a tasty cola beverage in presence of a hot chick more than Bra!!? We can all learn a Zen lesson in life enjoyment from our favorite party pud.

The great Vin Douchal even composed an ode to Bra!! among many other HCwDB song classics.

Or this friggin’ guy. I didn’t even remember him until going through the archives. But what a piddling example of hottie/douchey wrongness. Yech.

The epic hottness of Halo Angel, Brunette Rhea, Arielle, Anya, Holly, Francine, just to name a few, still dazzle with the purity of suckle thigh. And the lawsuits of uberhott Champagne Katie and Billy Dee Willhelm still amuse. And then my own personal adventures in singledom with the lovely Veronica.

Many a fine moment was had by your humble narrator during this crazy run.

A Look Back
DeathtongueBut, if I had to pic, no pic featured on the site better encapsulated the travesty of hottie/douche cohabit than early 2008’s Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott (pictured here).

We’ve seen far douchier douches.

And at least equivalent hott hotts.

But no festering nuclear dump of a combination quite captured the essence of wrongness like these two.

The spikey hair. The stupid shirt. The aggressive, arrogant posturing machismo captured in mid-lick.

And the innocent Mayan Eye of Coitus expressed by Quartasian Mia Sara Hott in (im)perfect counterbalance.

Festering stew. So wrong.

And of couse let us not forget Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott ii.

QMSH even won Hottest Hott of the Year at the 2008 Douchie Awards.

So many amazing/horrifying HCwDB couples over the years. I can’t even begin to cover all the adventures we’ve had together on this site.

I even managed to get in a few quality rants on subjects like Spring Breakers, New York in the 1980s, the death of Al Goldstein, or just a general hate of douche culture. There were my thoughts on Lorde and The Boston Bomber Rolling Stone cover. The rank atrociousness of people likethe late, unlamented Andrew Breitbart, Donald Trump, Brett Favre, Mel Gibson and Dr. Drew.

I journeyed to Lane Meyer’s house to search for his two dollars.

I had quality righteous spew directed at peak Douche John Meyer and again.

We witnessed Poo. Lots and lots of poop. Prompa Poop.

Or, uhm,…. Moobs.

And then there was the Pear. Lots and lots of Pear.

Let us also remember the genius of the tribute HCwDB videos. In addition to Vin Douchal’s epic compositions there was Foglizard’s Douchebags.

And this little piece of brilliance from back in 2009, created by HCwDB’s own Mr. Scrotato Head:

HCwDB in the News
ImpendingSignOfTheApocalypse_CartoonAmerica
Then there was the flipside. The dozens of imitators, ripoff sites porny vidoes, countdown videos, music videos, parody videos, animated videos, gym videos, and comedians cashing in on the HCwDB experience as much as they could. Without even the courtesy of a link to my site or mentioning of my book.

All of those pretenders and thieves can suck it! HCwDB will always be where douche mock first originated. To those in Hollywood, if you have to steal other people’s ideas to entertain, kill yourself (to paraphase the great Bill Hicks). This is the real deal. It always will be.

On a related note, I always enjoyed this Adam Carolla rant set to HCwDB pics. That’s what led to my appearance on the Adam Carolla podcast. Also worth a listen if interested.

Now, eight years later, our victories our many. Today we see rejection of overpriced t-shirts, stupid bling, and peacocking spectacle that once ruined our cornflakes and micturated on our collective rugs.

Looking back I feel privileged to have been able to chart a nation’s cultural transformation.

And what can I say about the cadre of brilliant regulars who brought daily poo-fling in the comments threads? You guys kept me going years past the point when I probably should have shut things down around here.

The “Hall of Mock” in the left hand column is our Hall of Fame and honors some of the top regulars. But lets be sure to toast each and every one of you with a cup of Night Train fortified wine. I even thank those not on the plaques who submitted pics or just chimed in every so often. I read almost all the comments threads. It was always a joy.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a special belly fondle to the great DarkSock. A supreme mockist who filled in for me on numerous walkabouts and brings a keen mind and boat crashing punk rock anarchy to all that he touches.

And then, last August, BabyChick1 (BC1) arrived.

Suddenly mocking douches and lusting their hotts suddenly didn’t come as organically as it once did. Not to mention that I need to save up my creative energy for new projects like a tantric version of Sting in mid-coitus.

So today seems like a good day to say thank you to all that have joined me on this journey of mock into the heart of American culture in the digital age. The last eight years have been incredible. I had a platform to spew my daily thoughts and people who responded to it.

It’s the eight year anniversary in about a week. And so that seems like a nice bookend.

I will take a month or three off. I’ll still be doing house cleaning around here. Like adding Brothabag Edgar to the Closet of Poo.

And then I will probably start occasionally posting again here and there when I can. If I find a pic or a rant worthy of attention.

So I wouldn’t call this site dead-dead.

More like on walkabout. For now.

But just because HCwDB will not be updating that does not mean I won’t be around. I am working on a number of new projects that I’m quite excited about. Hopefully good news will be announced in due time. In the meantime I will start updating on my long dormant sister site, Lucky Punkass, again. All of your avatars/IDs should carry over there. Feel free to join me and say hi.

You can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram, both of which I try to keep active. Or just drop me an email: douchebag1 at hotchickswithdouchebags.com.

I have much left to say/rant/complain about in life. I just can’t keep mocking douchebags over and over. Nor did I want to transform this site into something it was never meant to be.

So let us close the books on the HCwDB run. It was glorious. I have seen my writing and our mock influence everything from the game changing impact of The Jersey Shore to the “Douche Jar” mocking of Schmidt on New Girl.

And let us bow our head and appreciate the power of the mock. The power of pointing out the hypocrisy and economic violence of a media and corporage industry hellbent on selling “sex” in high priced packages. Douchey t-shirts and overpriced bodyspray. All part of the long con. The marketing hypnosis meant to brainwash us into thinking we need spikey hair and overpriced products to perform the universal coital dance. We do not. Coitus is free. If you want it. (to paraphrase John Lennon).

That’s what HCwDB has always stood against. And always will.

Now let us repose with a pack of tasty Hostess HoHos and a cup of Night Train.

Life is good.

# posted by douchebag1
Sunday, February 23, 2014

Donkey Douche Smells the Glove

DonkeyD21

Donkey Douche senses change is in the air. Time to flex!

# posted by douchebag1
Saturday, February 22, 2014

Reader Mail: Cristina's Pic Was Used Without Permisstion

112016

I’m gonna miss these sorts of emails.

————–
From: Cristina
Subject: REMOVE MY PIC!!

Message Body:
PLZ REMOVE MY PIC FROM UR SITE!!
A COPYRIGHT VIOLATION HAS BEEN MADE!!!

We will be forced to get a lawyer and shut down your site!

MY PIC WAS USED WITHOUT MY PERMISSTION

THANK YOU

—————–

Unfortunately, Cristina did not provide any specifics as to which pic she’s referring to.

So here’s a pic of a frog meeting a mouse.

# posted by douchebag1
Friday, February 21, 2014

Friday Thoughts and Links

unnamed (2)

I’m in a generous mood these days. So I’ll probably give Army Bob a nottadouche and a goinpeace for scoring Tonya The Hott Older Sister of Your Best Friend In Tenth Grade.

Even if sleeveless army tanktops are all sorts of 1980s festering festoon.

So’s while your humb narrs was in New York, I sat down to go an in-depth podcast with the great Mandy Stadtmiller of xoJane and News Whore. I’ve long been a fan of Mandy’s writing ever since she first interviewed me for the New York Post back in the day when my show was debuting on MTV.

And since we’re probably approaching some sort of finality around here at HCwDB, I thought it was high time to sit down and talk through the journey of my life and all things hottie/douchey dialectical. Check out the podcast here.

If you do listen, let me know what you think of it in the comments thread. I’m curious to hear your thoughts.

Anyways, and aways we go… here’s yer links:

Your HCwDB Buy Some Amazon Stuff and Help Support the Site Link of the Week: “Experience has shown, and a true philosophy will always show, that a vast, perhaps the larger portion of the truth arises from the seemingly irrelevant.”

Brothabag Leon. Still out there. Still with swirly fung.

Well, that’s one way to fight the power I suppose.

Can you dig it?

Fear the O.

200 year old douche discovered. It wasn’t Gene Simmons.

Billy Ray Cyrus’s Achy Breaky Heart 2 drips with douchal stank.

Real life Barbie wants to be ‘brainless.’

White Trash Alert: Twinkies now available at Big Lots. I love Twinkies but have never been in a Big Lots. I am half-white-trash. Gray Trash?

An abandoned high school in Detroit comes to life with photographs from the past. Eerie and beautiful.

Coitus Eye Pear.

And so we drift off into another weekend eve… the languid smells of lavendar and burning tar choke the Hollywood freeways with the congestion of a million piddle butts. And so many carry on for a two day break from a five day week with the peanut at the end of the rainbow the chance to do it all over again.

# posted by douchebag1
Friday, February 21, 2014

Friday Haiku

112015

Herpes got you down?
Try the new Valtrex™ RashStash™!
The Patch on your Patch!

Pale skinny Meghan
looks on from behind glasses
jealous of Pam’s man.

– Douche Wayne

This party smells of
Ball cheese and bad decisions
Valtrex stock to soar

– Capt. James T. Douche

Spinner’s got the bloat
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole

– The Reverend Chad Kroeger

 

Spring Break is coming
Soon these two abstrosities
Will look so orange.

– The Dude

They’ve got two tickets
to Paradise. Watch out south
NV, here they come!

Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

It puts the card in
The basket or it get’s the
Hose. The foot long hose.

– The Reverend Chad Kroeger

The ghost of Lenin
Weeps uncontrollably for
Proletariat

– DoucheyWallnuts

Jen’s sister Amy
looks on from behind. “Yeah, I
am the pretty one”

– Magnum Douche P. I.

Blortz twins’ fake IDs
Although not necessary
For a high school dance

– Vin Douchal

Girls Gone Wild guy
who said, “Show your tits!” should’ve
been more specific

– Morbo

“G-Stop Raw” has the
same initials as “Groin Shave
Reveal”;  both senseless.

– Wheezer

# posted by Bagnonymous
Older Posts