Ask DB1: The Flat-Brimmed Cap
———–
Dear DB1,
Whither the flat-brimmed cap?
What fashion most foul foisted it upon an unsuspecting public?
Methinks it now equals auto-douche, although, over the years, me have thunk many things, including:
1) Tiffani Amber-Thiessen was a highly under-appreciated actress
2) The Hawley-Smoot Act of 1933 was good policy; and
3) Jerry Lewis was a comic genius.
A few words from the oracle would be appreciated about this plague.
Douche-hunting-ly yours,
Choad the Douche Sprocket
——
I would comment at length on the choadfesterment of the flat brimmed cap, but TAT cures lupus.
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Where’s Mutant Troll Doll?
Somewhere in this pic of typical rural asswankery hitting on skinny giggle Tina, I’ve carefully hidden a mutant troll doll with bonus firecrotch (not pictured, thankfully).
Look closely.
Can you set his hairspray on fire?
HCwDB of the Month: Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah
A date late to tallying the award because the DB1 is hard at work on new show-stuff, but the regs brought A-Game Mock. And The Grovester and SLS barely took the prize.
And lets not forget Grover McP choke-throttling Heather.
The voters speak:
Douchble Helix: My vote is for Grover, who I think has it figured out, and I’m guessing the Rev is voting for Sarah Lawrence Sarah.
DoucheyWallnuts: Grover McPocalypse FTW. Any time a new species is discovered it is noteworthy – like the Pollinating Cricket or Monitor Lizard – and some may say award worthy. Grover McP certainly represents a new species of douchebag. Greater minds than mine can come up with the appropriate moniker, so until then I will call him Douchebag of the Month.
Dude McCrudeshoes: Appearing without a Hott is no obstacle for McPocolypse, who breaks all the rules, including those of nature. McPocolypse FTW.
Mr. Biggs: ’d have to go with Grover, for taking douchery to the next level, and in an innovative direction at that. Such an undiluted display of herpsterbaggery, encouraged and catalyzed by Sarah McPooch, shows us this toxic new form douchebaggery is taking as it poisons our culture in search of poon. It’s toxic couplings like these that are the reason people hate drum circles and Burning Man.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: I vote for Grover McPpocolypse and Mons Pubis and I am a hopeless romantic.
icame isaw idouched: Grover FTW. He’s got that look on his fact because a Yak just took a shit on his shoulder.
It was a pretty solid win for herpsterdouche, even with Sarah’s ‘Baguette tendencies. But what do I know. I thought Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia were gonna win, and they didn’t come close. Tony the Curdle and Butt Pooch Amanda’s classic HCwDB-ery came in a distant second:
Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadouche: Freida Garcia is sublime, but I have to go with Tony the Curdle and Adriana, because she looks a little like my wife. Yay me!
The others got votes, but I’mma need a coffee to keep HTMLing. So lets let the talking puppet that is Troy Tempest take us home:
Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah. Why? Which of the three are you least likely to hire to do anything. The other 3 can pass (barely). Gorver’s still a f#ckin idiot. And Sarah’s skanktastic. She makes my cat sh#t on the bed.
Indeed she does, Troy. But it could also be because you’re feeding Fluffles too much bologna.
Eye, Brobot
Choke scarves, moob shirts, and trashy woo girls are no way to go through life, Brobot. Especially if you’re a brobot sent from the future to prevent the creator of P90X from being born in the great time-traveling “DVD Workout War” of 2013.
Where’s Waldouche?: Poo Smeller Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of taut giggle suckle, I’ve carefully hidden a Waldouche who both smells, and smells like, ferret turd.
Look closely.
Can you smell him?
Black Eye Joey Ignores Ladies in the East Village and Can’t Help it That They Have Daddy Issues
Giggle Chloe moved to New York to be real. Then she moved to Brooklyn to be hip. Then she moved back to Ohio to get married and have a kid.
Tiny Dancer Maria Continues to Make Poor Life Choices
TDM Boobs are to Overchoads as:
A. Blue Light is to mosquitoes
B. HoHos are to the DB1
C. dark matter is to the red shift
D. All of the above
E. Boobs
