Tuesday, February 18, 2014

And Then This Happened

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In a world of war, poverty, illness, ignorance, apathy, environmental disaster and Armenian cab drivers, this happened.

An event so tragic in its microcosmic metaphor as to render global catastrophe merely a backdrop for impending coital offense.

Where undies nubs hang their nubs in shame like sad alien antennae.

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# posted by douchebag1
Monday, February 17, 2014

Frat Joe Lives the High Life

FratJoe

Kinda hard to hate too hard on Frat Joe.

First of all, he’s posing with classic Paid-to-Pose Hotts. Which is like posing with Mickey Mouse at Disney World. It’s no biggie, part of the atmosphere, and helps perpetuate a secular version of a religious cult built around childhood fantasies.

Or something like that.

In a related story, Amazonian Tina would Goofy my Plutos whilst Snow Whiting my Jungle Book’s Little Mermaid. If you know what I mean. Teacups.

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# posted by douchebag1
Monday, February 17, 2014

Happy Presidents Day!

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Like a lost Vegas tourist caught passing behind an HCwDB disaster in mid trainwreck, your humble narrator is back in sunny Los Angeles.

A week well spent on the snowy East Coast.

Lots of pizza and burgers were consumed. Drinks were imbibed. Diapers changed.

Firing up some new pics for this week so we can get our mock on again. For those of you caught in yet another snowstorm, alls I can offer is this humble soliloquy.

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# posted by douchebag1
Saturday, February 15, 2014

Evil Yellow Sunball Does Not Approve of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

EYS Rob Ford

Evil Yellow Sunball has now seen it all.

Yes, that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. When douching it up with the bar hotties barely holds a candle to crack videos and the cray-cray.

When the douche virus hits the politicians, then and only then will psychedelic toad save us all.

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# posted by douchebag1
Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentine’s Day Thoughts and Links

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Yup. That’s Pert Fertile Fiona and Greaser Chadwick Von Dickhead.

Turns out the height difference wasn’t so easy to spot back in the car. But the hottie/douchey stench remains the same. Yet again cohabitating in ways that make digging out from a snowstorm seem like pointless pathos.

Albert Camus once took a poop with more spiritual meaning than these two.

They make me piddle cry weep for suckle taut waste.

Anyways. Another Friday, as the kids say. Only a minimal set of links as your humble narrator navigates the wily streets of wintery ol’ New York. But here’s ya go:

Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit After Clicking this Amazon Link to help support the site link of the Week: “I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn’t.”

RIP to East Village poetry legend Maggie Estep. The New York I knew in the 90s really is gone. But in the 90s they were bitching about the lost New York of the 70s. And so it goes.

Sharknado 2 announces its cast. I’ve already cynically live-tweeted through the whole thing in an alternate universe. Especially that part with the fake looking shark.

Here’s some old Star Wars posters you might not have seen. I would pay serious money for the one from Hungary.

Do Jewish men have a thing for Asian women? Do puff piece articles about ethnic stereotypes have a think for click-bait headlines?

Speaking of geeky click-bait headlines: Twenty five Critical Theory Valentine’s Cards

I just bought Drake’s new album. Not impressive.

You… shall not pass!

“And remember folks, the initials for Valentine’s Day are “V.D.” — Says my third grade self if I could have Tweeted back then.

Okay. Ya done good kid. You earned it:

Bronzebedpear

For how all of life should wake up.

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# posted by douchebag1
Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentine’s Day Haiku

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As they couch-flounce here,
Jenna Jameson looks on
Disapprovingly.

Or…

On Valentine’s Day,
Cupid, draw back your bow, and
Pin them to this couch.

Randy deals cocaine
A lot, lot lot of cocaine
And his clients suck

– saulgoode42

 

Douche doppelgänger
Same end as Phil S. Hoffman
Too soon to make joke?
— THEONETRUEDOUCHE

They don’t do drummers
Since the gyroscope was put
In their Monkey holes.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Asian girls bookend
Big legged blonde in middle
Want her bro to scram
— Vin Douchal

This pic makes me wish
Cupid shot a flamethrower
Instead of arrows
— hermit

Gregg Allman bloated
From liver transplant and booze
Still can pull the Hotts
— DoucheyWallnuts

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# posted by DarkSock
Thursday, February 13, 2014

Your Daily Nez: How Not To Get Through a Snow Day

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If you find yourself frustrated, covered in melting ice, digging a car out of a snowbank, or otherwise trapped in by inclement weather, do not, I repeat, do NOT, entertain the following thought:

Somewhere, in sunnier climates, Pert Fertile Fiona has decided to cofondle with Greaser Chadwick Von Dickhead.

Do not let that thought enter your mind. Not for one second. Forget you read this post. Forget it now.

For it will not help.

It is a reverse mantra.

It is a thought that is the opposite of Zen.

It is what I call “Nez.”

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# posted by douchebag1
Thursday, February 13, 2014

Shaun White Dresses Like A Sirloin Choadsteak

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I realize that something called the Olympics are taking place.

I also realize that this important relic of cold war myopia continue to occupy a place of nostalgia in the heart of Baby Boomers. Sad.

Such an antiquated notion of border crossings through sportsmanship. In the age of the internet it just seems silly.

even if they do have sexy curling.

I also object on the grounds that winter and summer are celebrated with Olympics while spring and fall are treated like step-gingers. Discrimination, I tells ya. It’s not right.

That being said.

Shaun White.

Not sure who he is.

Am sure he dresses like a Sirloin Choadsteak.

Now how do I get out of this snowstorm? Someone send Jameson, stat!

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# posted by douchebag1
Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Spray-Z Is a Giant Ball of She-Leech

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And if you have to ask what a Giant Ball of She-Leech is, I point you no further then the Turtle Leeches of Mexico.

Okay, so I got a late start on updating the site today. I was out all night doing crazzzzy things. Like what? Like… uhm… okay. This.

Cuz I’m crazy like that.

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# posted by douchebag1
Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Spray-Z Shows Undies, Cuddles Jenny, Punches Vishnu in the Groin

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By the wings of a shoulder tatt, I will urinate on home plate for this sin against Vishnu.

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# posted by douchebag1
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