Reader Mail: Wedding Douchery
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Greetings from Calgary, Canada!
I was at a wedding yesterday at a hotel where a number of banquet rooms had been rented for same. The room next to ours had a large photo posted outside the door. People were looking at it and recoiling in horror.
Upon close inspection, the bride-to-be was hot – and the groom-to-be sported numerous douchal signifiers. Please note the watch, hair, and chin fung, also the popped collar, and most of all, the douchey expression on his face.
It’s not a really bad case…except that this was their official WEDDING PHOTO!. Please DB1, supply the needed societal mock to encourage this nasty case to reform.
— Roy
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This is deeply disturbing, and an excellent catch of yet another signifier of the impending global scrotocalypse, Roy. When even the wedding photos are douchetastic, be careful to double check with your food taster. For the creme brulee tastes like ass.
Prickles The Clown Says “I have no Personality, I’m super boring and I work in accounting! That’s Why I Wear My Hair Like This.”
Suzie just giggles politely and orders another Mai Tai.
Smug Night
Smugness, in and of itself, is not necessarily a douchetribute.
It’s annoying to be sure. But it’s not inherently ‘bag.
Stupid tatt sleeves and Hitler chin fung? That there be douche.
Kelly is stoic and icy, and her lack of sexy aura costs her. But boobie beboobie, and that’s how life goes.
Old Man Moe
Old Man Moe could just be an aging sessions rocker. However, Perfect Suckle Chomp Salina stepped from the pages of a hormonal teenager’s most fervered fantasies, and while I should be celebrating the inspirations of her potential persperations, I find my poetic linguistic coitus interruptus.
For the question tasks me: Ski Mask Dude. What’s up?
About to rob the place?
Or just facially cold?
Ask DB1: Is Jessica Dating A Douche? (Answer: Yes)
Jessica writes in with a lol question about her new boyfriend (pictured here):
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Hey!
Well, I have been seeing this guy for awhile now and he has this need to constantly put up “westside” signs up in every single picture.
He says he does this because he is a “gangster” lol . I am always picking on him calling him a wannabe eminem lol. I’d like to point out the so called “gangster” drives a 2011 Audi and lives in one of those most prestigious neighborhoods in Miami, FL. lol
I would LOVE if you posted this picture on your blog, i would love nothing more then to embarass him on your blog , it would make my day and hopefully he will stop putting up westside signs in pictures.lol
the picture I am submitting is one we took last week, i decided to play along with the gangster-ness lol….THANK YOU! =)
— jessica
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Confucius Say: Those who date those that drive Audi in “Prestigious Neighborhood” should not cast first lol-stone.
Prickles The Clown
The Spiker. It spreads.
Natalia has the arched eyebrows that require further academic research involving theories of discursive alterity and feral butt pooching
Rusty Grows Up
Into every young boy’s life, there comes a moment of spiritual revelation.
A karmic epiphany as distinctive and unique to each young boy as are the snowflakes that fall uponst a brier patch of dyslexic nuns. Or, as the nuns call them, “flowsnakes.”
For Rusty, as for all boys, this visionary moment of transformation from boy to man will involve boobies, kaleidoscopic bikinis, repetitive dangermous tracks, overpriced bottle service, and a strange series of warts suddenly emerging around the outer base of the penis.
Don’t scratch them, Rusty. That’ll only make them spread.
Where’s Waldouche?: Blenderman Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of taut, firm and fetile wombs of the boobie suckle hottie kind that encourage species reproduction by summoning viable mates via the “Woo” cry, I’ve carefully hidden a Blenderman Waldouche.
Look closely.
Can you determine where his parents failed in their societal obligation?
Ask DB1: Southern Orangeness
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DB1,
I’m a loyal reader but infrequent contributor as I find that writing something witty about the specimens on this site is difficult given the abundance of creativity on the part of the site’s contributors who can be described as at times nothing less than poetic.
Onto my issue; I recently moved to Florida and today got my new driver’s license. My face is something like Sangria burnt sierra orange.
Now I do like to at times lie outside and smoke cigars, read and look longingly at the Ass Pear that goes by. I’m Italian also so I happen to tan pretty well. Yet I would not describe myself as an obsessive tanner and I don’t work outdoors either.
I would like to argue that my pigmentation is merely a result of environmental factors since my old license photo from up north is decidedly more white than orange. Therefore, is one a douche merely because one’s place of domicile is so exposed to the sun’s rays?
I believe that this is a pressing issue in the field of douche studies, as if the aforementioned question is answered affirmatively then most white people in Florida could qualify as douches even if no other signifiers exist per se.
Regards,
Choade Harold’s Pilgrimage
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The Italian propensity to Orange can be forgiven within a safe palette range of hue. This scale is generally marked, as Reader Mike demonstrated with 2008’s Crimson Ted-o-Meter , between “ruddy” and “amaranth.”
There is some geographical leeway when it comes to natural orange hue, C.H.P. However, be careful. For one wrong step, and you’ll end up looking like this.
