Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Sweet Caroline Makes a Poor Life Choice

And that poor choice goes by either “Bernard.” Or “B-Nar.”

Depending on whether his band, “Betty Whitesnake,” has a gig that night or not.

Lake Crotchpuddle

As a big fan of lakes while growing up in New England, it pains me to posit this theorem. But posit it I must.

Fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses, we can ignore this no longer. We must consider if there is a direct correlative between lakes and douchebaggery.

The evidence is as overwhelming as that water is viral.

Joey Hoverbag

Joey Hoverbag just can’t help ruining a good drunk developing sapphic moment between the Laura Sisters just as it begins to form. It’s just who he is.

And for that, he is a douchebag, even if he does nothing else at all.

But of course, he will. Ruin another pic, even if it’s just with his hand.

For that, and that alone, Joey Hoverbag, you are a douche.

The Sharkbag and Renee's Younger Sister Voted

Our last HCwDB of the Month winner, The Sharkbag says:

“I can still pull hotter chicks while acting douchier, than any of these pretenders. Well, maybe not that Tad guy.”

Have you voted yet?

The Sharkbag and Renee’s Younger Sister Voted

Our last HCwDB of the Month winner, The Sharkbag says:

“I can still pull hotter chicks while acting douchier, than any of these pretenders. Well, maybe not that Tad guy.”

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

Our last Weekly before the next Monthly, today’s vote focuses on some of the more herpalicious combos we’ve featured in awhile. But lest your humble narrator rambles, lets get to your choices:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Mandanna Morrie and Vanessa

As discussed previously, Mandanna Morrie is less than the sum of his adouchetrements.

Deep down you just know Morrie’s so determined to score some quality South Beach Miami poonsaki while still living off an allowance from his father, Attorney Jack McFatherson, that he’s willing to go “The Full Douche.”

But that does not mean we forgive.

He who dresses the ‘bag contributes to the circulation of cultural meaning that spreads the virus like a smear uponst a bagel.

And for that, we must mock. Chin pube, bling, ridiculous hair and a Buick logo on his shirt. The Baby Jesus spittled.

Vanessa is all that is ambiguously paid to pose. She is tasteful, gum snappy and sweeter than you’d think. And her fantastically firm breasteses promise a field of frolicking clerics and fornicating elves. Not with each other. That would be sick. Even in Advanced D&D.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Smugger John and Valencia

The opposite end of the spectrum from Mandanna Morrie, Smuggers appeared in our Friday Thoughts and Links, but after staring at that mug over the weekend I’ve determined that this preening pudster has “douche aura” in disproportionate ratio to his actual signifiers.

As such, he is all that we fight against. He is pure punch crud.

Valencia shakes her booty with the soft eroticism of dancing hawkpie bluebirds who search fields of crow for shorn during the harvest season.

I have no idea what that means.

But I know I would gnaw uponst her pear, while denying Smugger John his application for a 100th week of unemployment insurance.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle

Appearing first in last week’s important discussion on Freud’s Douchedom and Tattoo, Tattpocalypse Tad and Gayle would normally be a shoe-in for a Weekly, especially in light of their ultra-douchey doggie ‘baggin’ pic #2.

With all the scrotal signifiers in force, not to mention Ubiquitous Red Cup in pic #2, this should be a crotch-dunk.

So what’s holding this pic back?

Gayle. Her glazed “guidette” detracts significantly from hottie/douchey dialectics.

That being said, Gayle is certainly an attractive young thing on some primal genetic level at least, and Tad is uberdouche on so many levels, a small woodland creature just punched Bambi in the nads. Hell, the chin fung alone just caused a Daoist Monk to urinate on a scroll.

But is their cohabit enough to win the Weekly?

(Dis)honorable mention to Superlobe, whom many argued just felt too secure in his punkitude to really mock as a preening douchewank (despite his hott sister), the Caption This Pic atrocity of Lake Herpasaurus, the simply too happy to be there Scrawnster McFung, and of course to Brodie the Poet, who while a pretty harmless ‘bag, at least gave us some quality spelling errors to enjoy.

Also I forgot to mention in Friday’s Links that despite some dissent, Elizabeth has been elected to our fabled “Hall of Hott.” For those who dispute her overall game, I’d remind them that perfection in one area (perfection of body) is often enough in any Hall. Think Wade Boggs (OBP), John Stockton (passing) or Ron Jeremy (penis).

Please welcome Elizabeth to the Hall. And by welcome, I mean fondle.

And vote now, as always, in the comments thread.

EDIT: Apologies for the late publish, WordPress autopublish ain’t workin’ this mornin’.

How to Dance Like a Guido

Consider this the “Mein Kampf,” if you will, of Douche Frolic.

Ask DB1: More Nottadouches?

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Hey DB1,

-Musicman

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While I do receive the occasional nottadouche with hot chick, and as hopeful as it can be, posting such false hope on HCwDB may imply the Grieco Virus plague is receding. And while our best efforts are slowing the tide and turning the ‘Bag into an object of ridicule, the mutations continue.

Therefore it is the douche/hott coupling that we must continue highlight and mock if we are to have any hope of social redress.

But for you, I’ll give you one. “Happy Kevin Finds Ass Pear.” Complete with Rareass Yellow Cup. Good for Kevin.

Friday Thoughts and Links

If there’s one thing Ted knows, it’s that, whether you have abs or not, no time is the wrong time for ab reveal.

Your humble narrator finds himself once again in New York, staring at the quality urbane Cityhotts in minidresses. This follows the classic formula that works like so:

Winter Climate City + Dense Urban Population + Global Warming + late July + Excessive Humidity = Ubersexy Minidress Boobie and Leg Reveal.

And betwixt their swishy thighs as they walk to the subway lies an endless hope of dreamland opportunity and alternate lives well lived in service of the imagination of possibility and dreamscape humpty hump.

Here’s your links:

Lets take a moment and welcome the latest sponsor of HCwDB, Sportsbook Review. Any of you online gamers who read the site, check it out. Remember, frequenting HCwDB’s sponsors helps keep the site going.

If corporations can be people according to the Supreme Court, then cars can be douchebags according to HCwDB.

Rick Pitinobag. Because raping the Celtics in the 1990s wasn’t enough satisfaction.

Epic Duckface.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand continue their push for a 2010 Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Douchie Award.

Pro hockey player Paul Bissonnette of the Phoenix Coyotes lets out his inner Vegas ‘Bag.

From way back in 2006, Howard Stern and Spike created a montage of one of the tastiest Ass Pears to ever fall off the Pear Tree.

Douchebaguette Cam.

President Obama: What is a ‘Snooki’?. As much good as I feel that I’ve done fighting the douchebag plague here at HCwDB, I face a lifetime of penance for giving the world Snooki.

Even the Legos are turning into douchebags.

Okay, that’s enough links for a Friday. You know what time it is. It’s time for Pear:

Porch Pear.

Enjoy. Gnaw. And in the immortal words of both Kool, but not his Gang: Yaah Heeww. Or was that the Gang, and not Kool? It’s Friday. Be sure to sow your wild Oates.

Brodie Says "Thanks for the Support Guise"

Workout enthusiast, master thespian, duck hunter and all around cunning linguist, Brodie, updates his Facebook account:

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pretty pleased with what i achieved, used to be a chubby lil f#cka now i like to think i’m doin alright. let me know what you think, drop me a pm if you wanna know what routine i’m on.

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I saw Get Ripped Help open for Bad Brains in 1989 and they were awesome.