HCwDB Self Portrait in a Dirty Bathroom Mirror #277
It’s official. Camera phone + bathroom mirror = HCwDB Self Portrait Time.
But wait, there’s more! Get ready!
Pop Quiz:
Shane’s tattoo is:
1. Rock penis
2. Goiter swole
3. A map of Kurdistan
4. A bruise from where the 7-11 Security Guard threw him on his ass when he tried to shoplift some corn nuts.
Yo Jimbo!
You’re a douche!
Mitsuko and Miyuki giggle coquettishly and avert their eyes.
Hulk Brogan
Hulk Brogan wanted to take a moment from his Endless Summer of Boatbaggery to bring Nadia and Ubiquitous Red Cup by to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Week
An interesting shmorgasboard of smoked ‘bag on the menu for this week, along with three quality hott pockets. But whom shall pass and whom shall be mock?
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Groin Shave Reveal Greg and Kimberly
Bringing beboobsification to the table in large twin helpings of flesh manifest, GSRG and Kim are real-world HCwDB toxicity. Not megabag. But the kind you went to summer camp with and watched make out during s’mores time and before lights out with the hottest girl from Senior Bunk.
But is Greg truly douchey enough to hold up his side of the boobosity?
Shirtless, blingy, with groin reveal and hat tilt are all douchey traits.
But Greg’s non-threatening. Harmless. Just a wanksta pud. Hardly an uberdouche. Can we call him a Weekly winner?
We can if we consider Kimberly.
Boobsy boobsouous sonorous fondle fondle.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Buddy Holla and Peggy
Buddy Holla brings a strange mix of tattfreak and nerd to the Weekly.
Peggy Sue brings potential librarian zombie spank gameplay to the H.C. side of the ledger.
And no, I have no idea what a “librarian zombie spank” would consist of. But I know it’d be naughty. And involve radishes.
A Buddy Holla and Peggy vote for HCwDB would mark a continuation of the 2010 veering of spectacle into the age of what we call the “Carny ‘Bag.”
A “geek” in both senses of the term.
And Peggy Sure is naughty laundry girl. Her shirt smells of Febreze and that top shelf premium Woolite detergent.
Like a Seals and Croft summer breeze, she makes you feel fine. Rolling through the canyons of your something something.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Lint Diesel
Curves + Drunkeness plus Orange Groin Shave Reveal = Weekly Finalist. But enough to emerge as Weekly winner (loser)?
While Jon Favreau pimps Iron Man 2 in the retro Batman t-shirt, Lint Diesel busts his game. He is so not money and he does not even know it. He’s like the douche in the rated R movie.
But I am not here to make gratuitous Swingers references.
No, not even in the Age of Enlightenment.
I am here to give you three Weekly HCwDBs to vote for.
Now you must make your choice. Which of these three deserves a slot in the HCwDB of the Month?
(Dis)honorable mention to Fruffy Pants, and the perfection of gnaw that is Party Girl Helene, who both just missed the cut.
And, of course, we all hailed the ubersquat that is Pumpito. Who even without Hot Chick deserves HCwDB appreciation for filling both roles with his giant man boobs.
If you haven’t created a profile yet, move it beyoch, and then vote for your candidate in the threads. Or you can still vote anonymously if you must
Lots of votes makes your humble narrator happy.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
The Turkish Justin Bieber Loves his Radishes
After watching this, a bunch of Armenians proactively killed themselves.
What?
Too soon?
Reader Mail: Will's "Frat Warrior" Theory
—-
DB1,
I am a veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan. After getting out of the Army, I moved to a college town and have observed an increased amount of douchebaggery since having left my home to enlist in the military. I kept thinking to myself, “What are they doing? What the hell are they thinking?”
After some contemplation I devised a hypothesis based on frat bags attempting to copy warrior cultures of past and present. See what you think…
Sincerely,
Will (Vuil)
—-
Good work, Will. You are correct to focus on how tribal rites of passage for young men reemerge in the proving grounds of the frat age.
Head on over to Facebook to check out the rest of Will’s important academic critique.
Reader Mail: Will’s “Frat Warrior” Theory
—-
DB1,
I am a veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan. After getting out of the Army, I moved to a college town and have observed an increased amount of douchebaggery since having left my home to enlist in the military. I kept thinking to myself, “What are they doing? What the hell are they thinking?”
After some contemplation I devised a hypothesis based on frat bags attempting to copy warrior cultures of past and present. See what you think…
Sincerely,
Will (Vuil)
—-
Good work, Will. You are correct to focus on how tribal rites of passage for young men reemerge in the proving grounds of the frat age.
Head on over to Facebook to check out the rest of Will’s important academic critique.
Honorary Douchebags of the Month: People Who Use the term "Jump the Shark"
Also those who use “nuke the fridge,” “I know, right?” and the most odious of recent linguistic hipsterisms, referring to red haired people as “Gingers.”
Enough, people.
Don’t make me bring back “have some.”
Honorary Douchebags of the Month: People Who Use the term “Jump the Shark”
Also those who use “nuke the fridge,” “I know, right?” and the most odious of recent linguistic hipsterisms, referring to red haired people as “Gingers.”
Enough, people.
Don’t make me bring back “have some.”
Friday Thoughts and Links
Today’s Friday finds your humble narrator hopped up on pixie stick sugar, only semi alcoholized, and dreaming of pensive marshmallow skies with floating boobies uponst their softness.
Yesterday I did the Adam Carolla podcast, and it should be going live in the next few weeks, so stay tuned for that.
As to last week’s vote for the Hall of Hott, there was simply too much disagreement, and I’ve ruled that all three did not make it. No, not even Brenda. It was a surprising vote, but the ‘bag hunters have spoken. And so we move on. Sadly. But Brenda is still in the running for a 2010 Douchie Award, so fear not.
Here’s your links:
As Jay Mohr’s career fades, his doucheyness rises.
Ten year old boy pulled out of school for looking like a douche.
Simply watching YouTube sensation Zuzana workout will exhaust you in 15 minutes, 30-45 seconds, depending on how many oysters you ate.
My latest Semitic brunette librarian hott obsession, the perfection of Israeli model Gal Gadot. More Gal. Gal Hott. Gal Uberhott. She makes my loins weep for the bleakness of a godless and cruel universe and humpty pillow gnaw as temporary salve.
This site gives HCwDB a nice shout out. Much obliged, fellow hunters.
In France, eagle-eyed reader Cary snaps a pasty shop that may or may not be run by Hall of Scrote legend Cro ‘Bagnon.
And over in Germany, the douches go for walks in their underwear.
Speaking of Germany, lets take a moment to mock the Hitlerbag. Chinpubes go on the upper lip, asswipe.
Okay, after Pumpito, I owe you double pear today. And I will not disappoint.
First up: Veranda Pear. As she contemplates the economic limitations of her third world region, we contemplate butt chomp.
And finally, because you’ve earned it, the long anticipated:
Cheeks that could crush wallnuts.
Go forth. Go forth and mock. And go forth and chomp. But, most importantly, tease someone with a faux.
