Kettlehead Demands 2009 Douchie Considerations
In preparation for our upcoming awards show, The 2009 Douchies (beginning December 7th), ‘bags like Kettlehead are demanding appreciation for their ability to pull hotts while arching a singular eyebrow.
I already told Kettlehead he didn’t even win a Weekly, let alone a Monthly, and therefore is ineligible for the 2009 HCwDB of the Year.
But his creepy, shiny shaved chest and double brunette kiss skill are demanding satisfaction.
And by satisfaction, they mean laser treatments every ten to twelve weeks.
The Unknown Jersey
Say a prayer for The Unknown Jersey.
Marked neither by athlete name, sports team affiliation or jersey number, the Unknown Jersey wanders the clubs with only mandana, arm tatt and chin pube dribble to mark his identity.
Until he finds Gucci Prada teethy to hit on.
And then he is memorialized forever.
By the bouncer. Who throws him out.
Where's Waldouche? Homeless Trucker Edition
Somewhere in this uneven assortment of giggle girls (with Red Bra in the back winning the top prize), I’ve carefully hidden a homeless trucker douche.
Look closely.
Can you semi-employ him?
Where’s Waldouche? Homeless Trucker Edition
Somewhere in this uneven assortment of giggle girls (with Red Bra in the back winning the top prize), I’ve carefully hidden a homeless trucker douche.
Look closely.
Can you semi-employ him?
Reader Mail: Unearned Dog-Tags
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hi there DB1,
I am a soldier in the army deploying over to afghanistan very soon, and I will not be able to have internet access very soon. so i would like to take a minute to thank you for making me laugh and always amusing me (nothing makes me laugh harder than douchbags with fake dog tags).
in my opinion your website has always separated the men (us) from the boys (dbags) by keeping the faith among us normal guys who live awesome lives and are most likely 10 fold more hardcore than our douchebag counterparts. one again thank you and keep up the good work.
-Military ‘Bag Hunter
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Amen, MBH. Glad and humbled to entertain you. The unearned dog-tag wearing “tough guy” poser type (pictured here) wish they had what you have.
Stay safe over there, and get your ass back here as soon as you can. The hotts need saving from the poseur douchewanks as soon as your tour is over. I expect you to serve this mission as soon as you’re back.
Where's Harry Potter?
Somewhere in this standard issue HCwDB of Vegas Party Douche and Paid-to-Pose luscious brunette Hottness, I’ve carefully hidden a grinny, creepy Harry Potter.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Where’s Harry Potter?
Somewhere in this standard issue HCwDB of Vegas Party Douche and Paid-to-Pose luscious brunette Hottness, I’ve carefully hidden a grinny, creepy Harry Potter.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Random Joe Voted
Random Joe and His Boy Friday took time off from hitting on the Swedish Au Pairs, Inga and Svenga, to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Week
It’s a short week, but don’t think the upcoming turkey means we don’t have pics to disseminate, congregate and coagulate. One more slot remains open in the HCwDB of the Year. And that slot must be slotted.
Here’s your three:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Cosmobag
For embodying the “urbane” playah, The Cosmobag brings greased up Joey Fatone Old Kid on the Couch game to the Weekly.
Cosmobag is underrated poo, subtler perhaps, but still worthy of Weekly mock.
And Samantha brings uber-librarian boobie hottness that makes Koalas dance the famed Bamboo Dance.
It takes a lot to make Koalas dance.
But Samantha’s goods bring it.
And by bring it, I mean make your humble narrator long to dewey her decimals. She is the gnaw-worthy arm tastitude that makes my psyche ache for the impermanence of life.
And I see you too, tonguey blonde badgirl, Karla. You deserve butt powdering with name-brand butt powder. And I will oblige.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Wretch-a-Sketch
Name courtesy of Baron Von Goolo, the Wretch-a-Sketch, aka “Scribbles,” brings some Blink 180poo tattbaggery, and a lovely Chiquita hott, Jezebel, to the Weekly.
And don’t forget Scribble #2.
The scribbler nature of WaS reminds us of one of the most important catagories on the douchestrological charts:
The Travesty Barker. Fake post-emo punk pseudo rebel “badass” crap.
This may not seem like “douche” in the traditional Jerz/Miami mold. But do not be fooled. It is festering unwashed ball taint.
Mmm… Missus Zebra.
How I would love thy bellybutton with extensive “pooch” noises followed by a deep and pensive reclining with a glass of iced lemonade and a collection of essays by Bertrand Russell.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Mutaint 
Jennifer’s targeted douche tag is one of the rare in-person ‘bag tags submitted by a reader to make it all the way to the Weekly.
Nothing makes me happier than when the ladies write in with their stories of ‘bag mock.
Well, maybe a tall glass of fortified wine after a long day of scratching myself.
But other than that, nothing.
Note the pale/tane discrepancy between Mutaint’s face and arms.
Anyone who thinks this is Halloween dress-up is woefully mistaken. This is real world “game” in action.
Sorry Red Tony, you just didn’t have what it takes to earn a Weekly shot.
So them’s your three, people. I need you. I can’t sit around and eat sugar cereal by my lonesome.
Vote for your pick, as always, in the comments thread.
Guidos in Cabo
Thought it might be time to bring back an oldie but goodie as we head into the Turkey week. One of the rarest of rare captures ever put on hand-held shaky videocam:
That’s right. A ‘bag mating dance captured in the wild.
