Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Bluefin and the Long Island Milf Teas

Mmm… ice pops.

Ask DB1: Is the Band “Nickelback” Douchey?

—-
Hey DB1,

Musicfanatic
—-

No essay needed, good sir. I refer thee to “Exhibit A” pictured here. Or, for more on Nickelbaggery, go here. It’s not that they’re shallow fratpuke kegger tune constructing simpletons. Heck, Hootie and the Blowfish was that. But Hootie knew what they were.

Nickelback thinks it’s something profound.

And for that, they’re a two chord in search of a resolve. They’re a sus-4 in search of pentatonic blues, with nary a bridge in sight.

Ask DB1: Is the Band "Nickelback" Douchey?

—-

Hey DB1,

Musicfanatic

—-

No essay needed, good sir. I refer thee to “Exhibit A” pictured here. Or, for more on Nickelbaggery, go here. It’s not that they’re shallow fratpuke kegger tune constructing simpletons. Heck, Hootie and the Blowfish was that. But Hootie knew what they were.

Nickelback thinks it’s something profound.

And for that, they’re a two chord in search of a resolve. They’re a sus-4 in search of pentatonic blues, with nary a bridge in sight.

The Boob Whisperer Sez “Duussshhheee…”

Because knit caps weren’t cool even when American Beauty came out.

I would gargle a blended mixture of thumbtacks and mashed yeast while dressed only in a paisley mumu and singing Wang Chung Karaoke in front of a laughing class of third graders just for the chance to lightly chew on her discarded pickle jar.

The Boob Whisperer Sez "Duussshhheee…"

Because knit caps weren’t cool even when American Beauty came out.

I would gargle a blended mixture of thumbtacks and mashed yeast while dressed only in a paisley mumu and singing Wang Chung Karaoke in front of a laughing class of third graders just for the chance to lightly chew on her discarded pickle jar.

Beach Blanket Ballsackian

Sometimes, after a particularly heated argument over meatloaf dinner with her parents, objecting as they are to her decision to go to trade school to learn makeup and hair design for movies, Fiona just needs to get away from her parents for the day.

But of all the guys she knows, only Vinny has a car.

And only Vinny is able to drive her to the shore. On a Tuesday.

So Fiona makes compromises in her life choices.

The Boob Whisperer

Shhhh!!

The boobies are speaking…

But what are they saying?

Take your best guess in the comments thread.

Ask DB1: Define “Doucheosity”

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DB1,

You are doing the Lord’s work,
– ICEMAN
—-

I define the state of pure doucheosity the way the Supreme Court defines porn. There is an inherent subjectivity to the defining characteristics, but I know it when I see it.

And it’s this Turd Blossom.

Ask DB1: Define "Doucheosity"

—-

DB1,

– ICEMAN

—-

I define the state of pure doucheosity the way the Supreme Court defines porn. There is an inherent subjectivity to the defining characteristics, but I know it when I see it.

And it’s this Turd Blossom.

HCwDB of the Month

The HCwDB of the Month. The moment we select our next finalist for HCwDB of the Year to join the inglourious doucheterd, Stackhouse. Which coupling is most foul and heinously devoid of merit to warrant Monthly victory(loss)?

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Captain Rehab and Luana

Luane gets around, and around and around.

Ubiquitous Luane even swam away with Corporal Faux after her win.

So our first coupling offers us a pic of ubertaintosity detracted by what we can only generously describe as a “skank hott.”

As you all know, true hottie/douchey HCwDB Enlightenment occurs only when the sweetest of gnawable suckle thigh is tainted by the greasiest of colonic clownitude.

This pic may not have the purest of dialectics to meditate and ruminate.

But it does have Cleavite Boobies. And librarian glasses.

And the nastiest water this side of a Turkish bath.

And really, the giant Close Encounters Hair Peak in water really needs to be appreciated for the choice of spectacle-hair in a location in which swimming implies the hair will get wet and therefore lose any shape intended for it.

This deserves to be fully appreciates for its choadwankitude.

Anyone can grease up hair at the clubs. Only the true anusdouche can do so in a public swimming environment.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Grillzilla

Some posit that potential Rockstar Leniency Rule might be invoked, given this turd’s role in some band I’ve never heard of. Lets shut this down right now.

No RLR granted. Period. End of story.

This is douchosity outside of performativity, and deserves full mockage.

Unlike Luane, Lady Gwnedolyn brings sweet, innocent sweetness innocence to the equation.

As such, we read her poems by Wordsworth to her as we lie under willow trees, and then we hump her purse like a cracked up beagle in heat when she’s buying an ice-cream from the local street vendor, Juan.

And Juan rolls his ice-cream stand away as quickly as possible.

Because he’s disturbed by our purse humping.

And can you blame him?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: David Crapperfield and Rachel Hottenstein

2010 has seen a distinct theatrical quality brought to ubersquat strategy to fondle the neck nuzzle hotts like Rachel here.

Yet, as with Grillzilla, no RLR is granted.

This is theatrical magical douchebaggery.

But it is every bit as mockworthy as the Orange uber-guidos of yesteryear.

And Rachel is delightful real world suckle thigh.

She is therefore to be appreciated with applause and knee fondle.

I have nothing else to add to this pic.

But I still can’t align images properly.

So I have to keep writing text to create enough of a block to insert the next pic.

Letting me HTML my blog is like letting a chimp fly the space shuttle.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah

The Quiz Roid made a strong uberdouchey impression in early 2010. Witness the run:

Makin’ the Douche Face. Popping a squat. Party Pile.

The run of stone-face consistency rivals some of our classic Hall of Scrote members like Peaches and E-Blo.

But the run, like DiMaggio’s 57 game hit streak, eventually had to come to an end, and it did when Quiz Roid broke out the grin with the Baja Boyz.

Quiz Roid, like David Crapperfield, is performative taintlickery.

The Princess, like the Lady, is Neverending Story hott all growns up.

Some argue performativity detracts from the douchey spectacle.

I say, “Ha!” Because I like to make short, brief, unexplained grunt statements.

But is it enough to win the monthly?

Vote, as always, in our brand spankin’ new comments threads.