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Thursday, March 11, 2010
Douchebags, Trampy Hotts, and Lots of Empty Space
It has always amazed me that there are people capable of speaking a language, driving a car and acquiring food and shelter on a daily basis who can’t line up a perfectly mockable hottie/douchey photograph without evidence that they went mid-seizure, Gary Coleman style, during the “click” portion of the photographic effort.
You’ve got two douches in Blade Runner vests mugging a couple of Jerz Trampsters, and you give me a pic of the wall above their heads?
Come on now, Dishwasher Dave. Don’t make me make you clean out the alleyway again.
Thursday, March 11, 2010King D says “Welcome, ‘Bag Hunters!”
PIC DELETED
For those who missed legendary Hall of Scrote taintclown, King Douchuous the IV, welcoming us to the new site, here he is again, in all his spikey, semi-employed glory.
Mmmm… Holy Zebra Triangle. It suggests dark mysterious lands of adventure, fear and possible danger.
I’ll roll my hit dice and see what my saving throw is.
It appears to be Valtrex.
King D says "Welcome, 'Bag Hunters!"
PIC DELETED
For those who missed legendary Hall of Scrote taintclown, King Douchuous the IV, welcoming us to the new site, here he is again, in all his spikey, semi-employed glory.
Mmmm… Holy Zebra Triangle. It suggests dark mysterious lands of adventure, fear and possible danger.
I’ll roll my hit dice and see what my saving throw is.
It appears to be Valtrex.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010Euro Crud
Look kids!!
Big Ben!!
The Parliament!!
A Greasy Eurocrud!!
Mmm… Nordic field frolicker princess hott, Svenga. I wouldst lick thine ankles hungrily and with pensive aplomb in the fields of rural Copenhagen, and then retire to our hillside chalet while listening to Wagner and making off-color jokes about the French.
EDIT: For those asking for a comment on Corey Haim, I will only say that the guy was in some genius films. RIP Haimster.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010Reader Mail: Ellen in Portland
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Dearest DB1,
I have been an avid fan of your website for the last year and a half, and being from Portland, it is truly rare to see a real live douchebag before your eyes.Yes, we have douchebags, but they tend to cover their douchey characteristics by wearing vans or converse, or even sporting an emo, disheveled hair style.
But today, at the gym, I finally saw him: he was so unbelievably tan, it looked like his skin would peel off. His skin was chizzled and wrinkly. He had frosted choad tips, and a skin-tight Ed Hardy tank top on (I didn’t even know they sold Ed Hardy in Oregon). I felt like I was in the presence of a celebrity and wanted to get a picture of him!
Do you think the site glorifies the douche to the point of where guys may actually think it’s okay to dress like one and embody this lifestyle? Seeing one face-to-face is a profound moment for us Oregonians. He looked like he arrived to Portland that morning from Boca Raton – and it’s rainy and cold here. I just don’t get it. My question. is this: is it normal to get all giddy and starstruck when you see a doucehbag of this magnitude?! Probably not, but I blame you for it!
-Ellen
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You describe the recent impact that we’re now calling “The Jersey Shore Effect.” The moment at which mocking the douche for cultural sins crosses over into the creation and celebration of a legitimate celebrity.
This is an unavoidable part of the process, Ellen, as exposing uber-turd to the light of cultural disinfectant will also lead to some form of glorification from a culture that has already divorced any notion of celebrity from actual accomplishment.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010Ask DB1: Johnny Bravo?
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DB1,
I think you should investigate what was the origin of the animated dbag.
I speak of Johnny Bravo.
As funny as the show was, he should be labelled as a Stage 3. Yes, there is a lack of Ed Hardy or Affliction, but he was a juice monkey, used horrible lines, constantly wearing his shades a la Corey Hart, and most importantly, large amounts of gel in the hair. Could this be an addition to the Grieco virus?
Signed,
– Deputy Dawg
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Well argued DD, and J.B. is definitely proto ‘bag, but I would trace cartoon ‘baggery as really beginning with Jughead. A crown at 10 degree tilt? In the 50’s? Retro douche.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010Planet Chinstachia
Not a planet in the Alderchin System.
Yup. Star Wars jokes.
This learning the new WordPress system thing is causing your humble narrator to increase drinking rapidly and exponentially. I’m having serious CSS font issues, so apologize if the font here is BIG then small, then smells like poo. All will be good soon enough.
Phyllis The Part Time Model and Full Time Parsons Design Student Who’s Only Into 80s New Wave makes me want to honk cactus plants wearing only a mumu and a codpiece with a picture of Punky Brewster on it.
Cuz I’se freaky like that.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010The Purple Nurples
Some days, I just should’ve stayed in bed.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010Ask DB1: Reforming the Choad
As an avid reader of the site and an admirer of your seer-like visions of the impending scrotocalypse, I have a question that you no doubt have pondered in Thunderhorse-induced trances.
While we mock the spectral choad in an effort to render the choad laughable should we not also consider that those douche bags who choose to shuffle off the douchal coil may be lost and have no idea of how to live outside of the scrotal way?
These former choad biscuits may need guidance on what their next step should be now they have given up kissy lips and half-buttoned Armani shirts. Is this any of our concern?
Should there be a group of “Post-Douche Counselors” who can minister to these former scrote lickers by showing them if they don’t spend $500 on a pair of sunglasses then they can move out of their mom’s basement? Or is it enough that we simply show the culture that the douche path is mock-worthy and any path is better than the way of the scrote?
Looking forward to HCwDB 2.0
Best Regards,
– The Ruler of Nations
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The douche must find his own way out of the gel-crusty darkness and towards the light of revelation. The only counsel that we can provide is societal mock. Like teaching a toddler to walk, the ‘bag must take their own first steps to truly be free of cultural latticework.
However, if giggle hottie provides reinforcement, the cycle can never be broken, so her role is equally important in reforming the choadscrote. Once we reach giggle hottie (and gnaw on her belly when she isn’t looking), the douche will find his own way out of the EdHardpocalypse.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010Caption This Pic
Vinny hoped Sheila would be turned on by his Z-Axis hat tilt move he’d just learned from his gangsta boyz back home on the hard streets of Westchester.
