Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Hardpocalypse Now

“I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn’t even know it yet.

There is no way to mock Ed Hardy without mocking my own. And if his story really is a about overpriced and ridiculous t-shirts, then so is mine.”

— Col. Willard Putz

Randy Schlongson

Pink scarves and chin fung make Randy a solid stage-3 doucher.

But the real reason I’m posting this pic?

Tina. Red haired glory of leg curved glories. I would squat thrust in a paisley leotard through a quarry filled only with scorpions and old ladies playing mahjong while chanting dirty limericks in Swahili just for the chance to bitch slap the arthritic and decrepit pony currently praying for the blessed release of euthanasia that once gave her a ride at the summer carnival in St. Paul, Minnesota, in 1998.

Poor Man’s Debbie Harry, you’re okay too. I would end up neglecting you because it’s late, and I gotta get up early tomorrow, but really it’s because I eat too much sugar.

Brothabag Edgar Finds Wholesome Laura and an Ubiquitous Red Cup

The N.A.A.M.O.P. (National Association for Advancing Mocking Orange People) has just issued the following press release:

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For immediate release:

While we continue in our quest to mock douchebags of all races, creeds and orange colors, we do not believe Brothabag Edgar to be a Brothabag, and wish another ethnicity would claim him immediately. We suggest gnome.

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EDIT: Props to massengill for catching that Wholesome Laura is actually also Josslyn, making this a true hottie/douchey pairing across multiple pics. We’ll see that ‘fro in the next Weekly.

Are you a Spud Douche?

Are you a “Spud Douche?” Take this easy quiz and find out!

Q. Two uberhott blondes decide to make out. You decide to:

A. Watch and enjoy.

B. Silently give thanks to our culture’s double standards towards gender behavior.

C. Wait quietly and hope there’s some erotic spillover coming your way.

D. Find the nearest camera and make hand gestures.

If you answered “D,” The Spud Douche will now point out who is also a Spud Douche.

The Orangeman of Canceria

In southern Brazil, the appearance of this douche is mere legend.

Whispered of amidst the sewing circles of the Lalalu Woo Hotties. Yet never before seen.

Oh hell, I have no idea what I’m writing.

I’m having a HoHo.

And between this monstrosity and Pic #2 of Brothabag Edgar, you deserve some quality Pear: Blue Pear. Think of it as ginger wasabe for the soul.

Mike Tattbag

The Microphone Tatt is the Syquest Disc of tattoos.

Skulls, dragons and tribal tatts are douchey forever. Mic tatts just scream “I didn’t finish my degree in 2008 because I blew my parents money on a mix console, and then the job market went to crap and that’s why I work at Best Buy, kids.” For the next thirty years.

But props to Raquelle for the quality Pear and we should all note the appearance of Rareass Aqua Cup, as it is indeed rareass. And aqua.

Brothabag Edgar Scoffs

Brothabag Edgar responds: “Laugh now, Weekly Winners, for my purple lips and blowout will take y’all out at the 2010 Douchies!”

Them there’s a bold prediction, Brothabag Edgar. You and the tempting barely legal Josslyn haven’t even won a Weekly yet.

You’ve just sickened Calcutta orphans and gave an Olsen Twin the gout.

HCwDB of the Week: Smugger John and Valencia

Smugger John and Valencia may seem an unusual weekly winning choice, but I’d argue the signs are all there. Smugger is classic real world ‘bag, not some Vegas paid-to-douche “entertainer/DJ” club thing. And Valencia is all sorts of awakening female sexuality, to be applauded and gnawed uponst.

The voters speak:

End the Haberdouchery: I vote for Smugger John and Valencia. For his cocky look and ab reveal he deserves to get purposely puked on at a Phillies game.

Baron Von Goolo: Smuggers and Valencia FTW. The tire fire in my back 40 has been going for three and a half years and even that hot trash has nothing on Valencia. Plus, Smugger’s smug puss leapfrogs punchworthy: that’s the kind of puss that makes you want to bury him up to his chin and dust off the lawn darts. Plus, the ab reveal is a privilege, not a right. He’s no monthly but pushed ahead by dirty, dirty Valencia, he works in a Weekly for me.

Chris in ‘Baghdad: All three entries are first class Putzes, but Valencia’s out-of-this-world patootie drags the garden variety ‘bag Smugger John across the finish line first.

Anonymous: Valencia wins the day for Smugger John. Her look is genuine, unlike her obviously paid-to-pose competitor Vanessa. What’s more, she’s dressed like that in public, in broad daylight! Not on a boat, or at a beach or swimming pool, or even a backyard barbecue. They’re in the parking lot of the Lone Star Steakhouse they just got kicked out of. “Sir, our rules are no shirt, no service. Now if you don’t wear it properly, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

Bagwood: For attitude, I vote Valencia and Smugger. Why is he pulling his shirt up when he has handles and no abs? He has the brains of an empty bottle of Summer’s Eve.

Horace Dangleballs: Cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes? Put her wearing those into a Jeep Wrangler with its top down and I’d run over a gaggle of street-crossing pre-schoolers just for the chance for her to flick a cigarette butt at me. Smugger is totally irrelevant to the equation… but looking at him — he’s probably used to hearing that.

Douchey Smirf: Smugger John and Valencia. She’s the hotness and his situation is obviously love handles.

Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Smugger John and Valencia FTW, cause Smugglie’s showing off something that isn’t all that impressive. I had a stomach like that during my twenties, which I achieved by working out for approximately 5.39 seconds per month.

Wheezer: Valencia is sultry and carries this coupling, though Smugger’s undie poke shows he hasn’t given up the Garanimals Book of Style. But I still want to see Valencia wearing nuthin’ but a G-thong.

Whoop-Di-Douche: Valencia is curvy hot and ride’em cowgirl to Smugger John’s pout. Even a good whiplash wouldn’t make him right, but he might be convinced to remove all his clothing so someone would arrest him, instead of him giving us an eyeful of arrested development clothing style.

Douchey Lewis and the News: This guy sucks ass. Nice ab reveal, just one thing though, you forgot the abs.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Normally all that would get you is a coupon for a free six inch sandwich when you buy another sandwich of equal or greater value. But toss in the pursed lip glare, aviator goggles, and the suspender printed tee and Smugger just might get that six incher for free. and by six incher I mean a manwich ‘cuz it’s more than a meal.

Medusa Oblongata: Smugger John FTW, and if there is a Heaven, it would be my head resting on Valencia’s ass while I suckle upon the glorious mamms of Vanessa.

bigphatnotadouche: Those boots are made for walking. I love the daisy dukes on the Hott and would love to suckle her thighs. The douche is a Florida/Alabama trailer trash scote with duck face and ab reveal.

Exactly, well said team. The key to the “douche aura” is in how the Smugger ignores his hott in favor of the camera. Coming in a close second, and losing on the Bleeth factor, Tattpocalypse Tad and Glazed Gayle:

Douche Springsteen: these girls all look a little bleethed so Tad wins just because he’s the biggest douche. He can’t get his chin fung sculpted straight, but even that combined with the excessive flood of ink isn’t enough to clinch the victory. No friends, it’s the White Man’s Overbite while doggie baggin’ that does it this week. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to crawl back into bed with a bottle of bourbon.

dbBen: It’s like one of those mornings when you’re eating out of a vending machine. Absolutely nothing looks good. You know it’s all “bad” for you. And you end up choosing whatever looks like it’s going to most speed up the demise of your pathetic existence.

justadouchalo: I reluctantly throw my vote, and by vote I mean the trashcan I left next to my bed last night after a day-long bean burrito and cheap gin marathon, to Tad and Gayle. If we find out between now and the end of the voting period that either or both of them are just artfully arranged corpses the nod goes to the Smuggler and Valencia.

armydouche: Tad and Gayle. Gold is the new orange and the Bleeth runs deep in Gayle.

smackdouche: I’ve always loved Star Trek. A vote for Tad and Gayle is a vote for the Orion Slave Girls.

Architeuthis Douche: If this website were Dazed and Confused, Tad would be O’Bannion (yeah, he’s kind of a joke OR I hate that guy), while Gayle would be Sabrina (you know, she’d probably be kind of cute if you cleaned all the shit off her).

Captain Lame: Tad is smug in the presence of hot. Whilst Morrie looks like he would do anything just to get a chance at his waitress Vanessa’s soft, golden brown, fantastic, and buoyant fun bags. Therefore I gift the Tang Tad 5,000,000 extra points! The scale has been tilted!

Methinks Tad and Gayle have something to offer at the 2010 Douchie Awardas. And by something, I mean Valtrex. Coming in third, while Vanessa’s uberhott boobtasm helped garner some votes, Mandana Morrie just didn’t bring the mockers out.

Professor ‘Baglioni: Though Smugger Jon’s abless ab reveal is probably the douchiest move ever, his hott is somewhat lacking. Vanessa’s quality boobage (and Morrie’s ridiculous mandanna) definitely puts HCwDB coupling #1 over the top.

the douche is alright: I gotta vote for Vanessa and whatever else may be in that picture

Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: my vote goes to Mandana Morrie and Vanessa. Becuase not only is Vanessa delicious like a ripe Red Delicious (or Fuji) apple on a hot summer day, but Mandanas just look stupid.

Crucial Head: I boobs gotta boobs give boobs my boobs vote boobs to boobs Morrie boob and boobs Vanessa boobs this boobs week boobies.

Dicy: I’ve got to go with Mandana Morrie and Vanessa because, well, boobs.

Boobs are indeed boobs, but the combo of Smugness and Curvy Hott were too toxic a Hottie/Douchey enlightenment moment to resist. Sir David Douchenborough is today’s choice to take us home:

it is Smuggler John only because the woman is actually a hott. But, there are some subtle signifiers at play here. It appears that Smuggler John was looking for a way to impress this lady, so he decided to become the abandoned child of Mika and La Roux by adding some manpris and his eurobag tighty shorts, hoping that the hott would follow his flabby rolling hills of abs to his groan shave. Of course, to balance off this effete eurobaggery, he had to go with the aviators and the tough t-shirt. All of this coordination to avoid attention to the fact that the extent at which he probably developed his ‘abs” were probably when his frat bags were ‘having fun” while he was drunk on his back in that one forgetful night of hazing.

The signifiers are subtle but add up to a turdlike swill, well said Sir D.D! And props again to all who voted, for your parsing serves the cause of douchal isolation and mock. Smugger John and Valencia for the last slot for our next Monthly, and your humble narrator for more day-old pizza.

Caption This Pic

“No Suzanne, I said, ‘Blymy!”

Reader Mail: South Africa Has a “Legend and an Icon”

Momoko writes in from South Africa:

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DB1,

PS. He changed his user name on facebook to Guido G___
– Momoko
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Sadly, more and more countries report Grieco Virus infestations.

Of note to ethnographers and historians in academia, the countries least effected by Grieco Virus are currently Prussia, Istanbul (not Constantinople) and Xanth. Because Grundy the Golem is having none of it.