Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Bar Rafaeli Cuddles a Puddlestomp and Approves of the HCwDB of the Week

Bar Rafaeli is further proof of the perfect exotic boobie spackles of the Semitic Naughty Hebraic Taut Bobble Chomp.

Hers are the anti-Nordic genetic proof of Theodor Herzl’s vision come true in glorious technicolor 3D IMAX of my mind.

I would lick. Then whine softly.

Then cuddle my blankie. Then bite.

Then whimper.

Then run and hide and slap a penguin. And no, that’s not a euphemism for solo emissions. I really hate penguins.

Puddlestomp is paid to douche. But hey, I’m paid to mock.

HCwDB of the Week: Mutato the Bug-Eyed Freak and Sister Christie

Your humb narrs is still recovering from Friday’s news.

Nope.

I’m just not ready to live in a post-Twinkie world. But life goes on, I guess. And so does the mock.

For this week’s Weekly, we have a perfect example of douche aura. Where the sum of the hott/asswipe stench is greater than the tally of the douchetributes.

Sure there was The Purplippia and the Perfection of the Mandy Twins. And poor unemployed Mitch Dillon taking solace with Party Jenny.

Last week also saw visits from the usual ‘bags, Mongor and Early Pumpin’head.

But from the newbies, none were more mutant than Mutato the Bug-Eyed Freak. And no more Twinkie Hostess cupcake chompers than Sister Christie.

Chalk up the last Monthly before the 2012 Douchie Awards.

And your humb narrs for oatmeal.

Haunted Toaster

In many ways, the 1980s were a silly, silly time.

Comment of the Week: Jonezy

The great Jonezy describes the paradox of the real world crazy stalker chick in the Virtues of Shelfishness thread and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:

———

She has the Eye of Crazy Stalker chick that says “I hate drama” and “my last boyfriend was psycho” before she tries to trap you with fake pregnancies, STD scares, and myriad unanswered texts where she hates you, loves you, hates you again, just wants us to be together because we’re perfect for each other, without nary a response, and then you have to change your number and perhaps even your address, and then she still contacts your family, all while she’s out banging some d-bags at the club every night to fill the void you’ve left… eyes.

Not that it’s ever happened to me or anything.

———–

Friday Thoughts and Links

Today is a dark day. An awful day. With only a glimmer of hope.

There can be no mocking of douchebag and lusting of hott without appropriate sustenance.

I may start hoarding. Test the hypothesis of the Twinkie. Pretty sure I can get at least a two year supply if I fill up my basement.

For shame, America.

This is no way to treat your citizens.

Twinkies define us.

They lighten our spiritual load.

They offer an ease of caloric intake without the need to excessively chew.

I will miss them like a limb.

I will mourn them like a brother.

I will get drunk in their honor tonight.

Here’s your damn links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Sugar-enriched flour, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, polysorbate 60, and yellow dye number five. Just everything a growing boy needs.”

That’s a big Twinkie. RIP.

Okay, I need to shame myself out of the doldrums with some British Secret Pear

So Hollywood put my movie in turnaround but greenlights this?

Speaking of Hollywood, here’s a first image from Star Wars Episode 7: A New Douchebag

Mongor Wear Scarf

Mongor Pretend Have Fun

The absolutely brilliant and vastly ahead-of-its-time The Ben Stiller Show had a twenty-year reunion Q&A at the New York Comedy Festival. Shut yer stinkin’ trap!

News Anchor Fail

Okay, you’ve earned it:

Tony Montana Pear

Go forth. And build a new post-Twinkie world.

The End of Joy

No words.

RIP joy, humor, life, celebration, happiness, hopefulness, ambition, excitement, pleasure, reward, and purpose to my life.

This may not be worse than the Holocaust, but it’s certainly worse than the Armenian genocide.

Friday Haiku

Gabe smiles, because soon

They’re knocking him out with their

American Thighs…

Old School Seventies

Gary’s Head is not Hairiest

Thing in the Picture

— Flounder

Inhibitions drop

As do standards for sex romp

One time at band camp

— THEONETRUEDOUCHE

One piece bathing suits

Needed to hide huge bushes

Thank god for waxing

~~~~~

This picture is bad

Imagine what porn looked like

When photo was taken

~~~~~

Thick legged women

And guys with fros ruled the day

And people got laid

— DoucheyWallnuts

Before the term douche

was coined, bad decisions were

basic and hairy.

~~~~~

His belly is what

flesh-lights are made of. Keep that

in mind when you fap.

— Bag Margera

It hides the stash

In the fro or it gets the

Hose. The groovy hose.

~~~~~

They don’t get the crabs

Since the herbicide was sprayed

On her Monkey Hole.

~~~~~

Next frightening hair

Style after Farrah will be the

Dorothy Hamill.

— The (very) Reverend Chad Kroeger, Esq., Son

High score on Dig-Dug

Banged Orange Julius girls

Peaked in eighty-two

~~~~~

Juan’s weenus peeks out

From his epic Jungle Bush

Like a moray eel

— Ich verstehe sie ist heiß

DB1′s dad at

Camp Hayyawannafuckme

brings back memories.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

This was taken back

When it was still hip to say

“Lets make whoopie, babe!”

— Capt. James T. Douche

The Virtues of Shelfishness

Yeah. Got nothin’.

Runnin’ low on pics here in the ole’ HCwDB homestead.

Might have to start doing some work around here.

Either that, or you get a steady diet of Mongor and Benzino pics.

Your choice.

Send in some premium mock, or the Twinkie gets it.

Wait, too late.

Tim McFratterson is In Over His Head

Tim McFratterson may just earn a nottadouche and a goinpeace if he doesn’t bust any hand signs or stupidface in the future.

Good on you, Tim.

But we all know you can’t handle the truth. And by truth, I mean either one of these femmtastic perfectionaries.

Lucious Heather makes the Collective Peep of the Unconscious weep with caustic longing and boobie proddle.

While Ubiquitous Red Cup observes pensively.

Mongor Not Like Brussell Sprouts

Mongor.

Emotionally dead to the world since 2006.

Sophie Pillowbottom. All that is righteous in Guadalcanal.