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Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Shminky and the Boozer Chicks of Cell Block 9
Now that’s a 1980s b-movie I’d watch on Cinemax at 2am.
Which brings up the whole question of at what point slutty bar ladies cross-over from sexy, trashy, carnal hott party girls who get overly excited when Guns n’ Roses plays on the jukebox into boozy, hoarse, chain-smoking, leathery skinned moms who juggle restraining orders like popcorn.
I’d say the dividing line occurs somewhere in their early 30s. And is best signified by the 2am switch from beer to Jack Daniels.
Monday, January 14, 2013The Lurking Shmegtaint Within Us All
As Rashi taught us, we must always be vigilant.
If we are humble, and virtuous, and study the Torah, and kick douchewanks in the taint, then we may live virtuous lives.
If not, Shmegtaint Bob will fondle Hott Alyssa.
And all will grow Satanic in the ecotone.
Monday, January 14, 2013Breaking: Seal Team Six Insists That "Zero Dark Thirty" Inaccurately Portrays Them as Douchebags
The Duffelblog breaks the story:
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VIRGINIA BEACH, VA- An anonymous Public Affairs Officer (PAO) for Seal Team Six says the movie “Zero Dark Thirty” is factually inaccurate, portraying Seal Team Six members like the douchebags from Seal Team Two.
“At one point Joel Edgarton’s character wears a polo shirt with a popped collar,” the PAO said. “Team Six doesn’t do that. We’re the baddest motherf@#kers on the planet. We don’t wear shit like Tapout shirts, Ed Hardy jeans, or fedoras. That’s Team Two.”
The members of Seal Team Two, who the rest of the Special Warfare community calls “very special operators,” gained their reputation in the last decade as the Navy’s demand for SEALs skyrocketed. Not enough sailors were passing Basic Underwater Demolition/Seal (BUD/S) training, so SEAL Team Two began recruiting civilians from local tanning salons and UFC parties. Actual SEALs in Team Two were transferred to other units, including the illustrious Team 11.
“Team Two is a joke,” the PAO from SEAL Team Six said. “Their PT uniform is a sleeveless t-shirt with slits down the side so people can check out their rib tats. On their last deployment they petitioned the White House to open a Hooters in Afghanistan. A few years ago they spent their entire training budget to make a calendar,” the PAO paused. “What’s up with that guy second from the right?”
Captain David Witten, Commanding Officer of Seal Team Two, said he was too busy to be interviewed because he was at the gym “getting swoll” but told The Duffel Blog he could bench three hundred and twenty five pounds.
He said he would be willing to do an interview afterwards but it would have to be quick because he was going to “pound brewskis with his bros.”
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Monday, January 14, 2013Kisseus Vomitorious Gets Old
Rachel knows not the spikey-flab of which she commisserates in cohabitation. For it is the odious K.V.
And the baby Ganesh took a dump on the Tebus.
Yeah, I got nothin’. Monday morning and I lost my socks under the bed. And you know what that means. At least two bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios before I crawl under there to investigate.
Sunday, January 13, 2013"Okay Prime, How Long is My Scarf?"
I have seen the (retro)future.
And it is glorious.
EDIT: Had a premature Saturday epublication. I hate it when that happens.
Saturday, January 12, 2013Reader Mail: Ed Hardy Heading to the Trash heap of History
Ed Hardy Har Har! writes in with a report from the front:
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Subject: Hardy Trash Heap!
My offices are located in the warehouse part of downtown Vegas (i.e. where all the strip clubs are). Story was the adjacent warehouse was rented by the fine folks from Christian Audigier.
Not too much went on there, except once a month or so, you’d hear the sound of a large mosquito or a small lawnmower outside the warehouse and some piece of crap Honda would pull up and a Circus AssClown Car would pull up and unload a DoucheSquad who would rustle around and then take off a few minutes later.
Then on New Year’s Eve, a helluva racket out in the parking lot. Looked out and the DoucheGaggle were throwing mannequins and “Hardly” paraphenelia across the parking lot in the general direction of the garbage can.
When there was finally silence, I went out to investigate. I knew I had to capture the scene for HCwDB. I’m pretty sure that picture #2 is a still life destined for the Guggenheim.
Best moment? When the local homeless guy who pushes his shopping cart around the neighborhood trash pickin’ rolled up, and says “What is this stuff?” And leaves without taking ANYTHING!
Ed Hardy Har Har
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We are winning.
Friday, January 11, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
Scarfwadius the III defines herspterism for 2013.
Betty Blue makes my loincloth swing through Tarzania on a super-vine of booble poke.
No idea what that means.
Okay, so the first week of group-posts was a bit chaotic. But hey, the regs brought something new to my otherwise redundant postings. HCwDB has to grow and change with the time. “Blogs” are so 2010. Or so Reddit tells me.
And until and unless I can invent a modal cross-platform aggregator of content, that’ll do, Pig, that’ll do.
Uhm, yeah.
It’ll figure itself out.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB optional kitchen appliance pick of the week: “Is that ice cream in your kitchen or are you just glad to see me?”
How’s Las Vegas keeping up with the recession? Now there’s a pool where the douche is R-Rated.
Are there douchebags in India? Yes thank you, come again. I hate myself for making that obvious joke.
It just got a little dusty in here.
PeeWee Football star A.J. McClean or whatever is dating a trending hottie and has a ridiculously douchey Jesus-bling tatt.
Bro-ba Fett for the win.
Uberhott Semitic pole vaulter Allison Stokke, once stalked by HCwDB’s own Mr. Biggs, is now his Twitter-friend. I like a story with a happy pearing.
And if you like stories with happy Pearings, I give you:
Thick and succulent. Enjoy your Friday, kids.
Friday, January 11, 2013Reader Mail: Can't Be Anonymous Anymore Takes Umbrage
Can’t Be Anonymous Anymore reacts to the new posts in the comments threads:
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With all these wonderful changes around here McCrud anonymity is a thing of the past–now you have to provide a made up e-mail address too.
Pee on others? F@#k that–you’re right, I’ll start clicking elsewhere.
However, I feel I owe it to DB1 first to say: I was coming here regularly for years. Then the site stopped being funny, completely about a week ago. Reverend–not merely not funny–incoherent and not funny.
Wallynuts–that schtick has sucked since day 1–day 1 I says but, to each their own–the four of you left seem to like it, and… Douchteau, your piece was good, but it doesn’t belong on a satire/humor blog. Again. Not. Funny.
If you ‘guest contributors’ are wondering what funny looks like from guest contributors, see everything Darksock has done, and BVG did a damn fine job too.
DB1, you’re f@#king up a good thing, but it’s yours, so good luck and godspeed. I think you’re worrying too much about what your career isn’t, rather than being appreciative of what you have. Don’t be a f@#king douche and forget where you came from. Kill it outright, or cultivate it–quick this half assed bullshit.
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If I had a chicken, I’d call it an octopus.
Friday, January 11, 2013Friday Haiku
Blue hair, hot dog arms;
How can Saiko resist this
Oppa Gangnam Pile?
My pee-pee itches
From looking at this picture;
Cyber Clap is real
— DoucheyWallnuts
A lucrative job
At holding a sign by the
Freeway awaits him.
— Capt. James T. Douche
Aliens have come
They want our women; and dress
Based on Pokemon
— saulgoode42
How in the hell did
Traffic control road crew guy
sneak into the club?
— hermit
Parking valet that
thinks he’s a drift racer, hoons
cars that aren’t his.
— Douche Wayne
Thursday, January 10, 2013The King Eternal
Douches come and go.
The King spikes forever.
