Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

There is a Six Pound Wristwatch of Douche In This Picture

You are forgiven if you cannot locate it.

EDIT: And on a totally unrelated Oscars note, Ang Lee eats at In-n-Out Burger with his Academy Award. Those are good burgers, Dude.

Mongor Monday

And lo, the missing chromosome remains an elusive subject in the land of Mongoria.

A Herpster Cure Found?

Attacking douchebaggery at the nano-level is something I had not yet considered. This may be a breakthrough, indeed.

Wallnuts After Dark

So the other night I stopped by one a my favorite waterin’ holes in midtown for a belt or two.

When I bellied up to the bar and ordered a Makers on the Rocks one a the bartenders tole me if I liked bourbon I really should try this one and that one! And that bourbon is so popular that there! They’se got all kinds a choices these days!

Just pour me a drink, son.

If that wasn’t enough, he started suggestin’ all a these other mixed drinks with all kinds a ingredients in ’em.

I was thinkin’ back on the old days where there weren’t no drinks with more than three ingredients.  An usually two of ’em were the booze an the ice.

Madonna Mia, what ever happened to a simple friggin’ drink?

Then this nice young fella asks me if I’d like ta see a drink menu. “A drink menu?” I says, “Listen Jack, I don’t need no menu for no drinks. Take a glass, put some ice in it, and then pour that there Makers Mark in it. Real simple, like. Inin it?”

One time Normy Fell ordered a Jack and Coke with a slice a orange in it. By the reaction he got from the bartender you woulda thought poor Normy laid out a lincoln log stool on the bar like it was a finsky.

“Orange?!? Who the f@#k orders a slice a orange in a Jack and Coke?,” Sinatra says.

I can hear him sayin’ it like it just happened today.

A whiles back we went to that movie with the half-a-Finnoch Cruise guy who was a bartender and they was doin’ all kinds a things with the shaker like they was the Harlem Globetrotters, trowin’ it around the bar pourin’ drinks all silly an all a that.

I remember Frank and Dean sayin’ that if any guy tried to do that whilst makin’ their drink they woulda grabbed him by the shirt and punched ’em in the mush.

Punched ’em in the mush, they says.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Coincedentally, “Creepy Euro Stench and Sexy Hot Chicks on a Motorboat” was also the first name of my high school band.

Yes, I’ve used that joke before.

And I’ll use it again.

Because after like 7,000 posts on the same joke, there’s a little redundancies alls up in this place.

Today’s a mini-links day, as your humb narrs runs around doing all sorts of errands and such for the real world as it calls.

So here’s ya go:

If there’s one item that must be purchased to complete a well-lived life, it is this.

Think douche-hair is a thing of the past? Think again.

Hot Boob With Douchebag (sorta NSFW)

Lloyd Gets Lucky

What’s not a good name for a public park? This is not a good name for a public park.

Hoping to get a job that pays more than minimum wage for pouring Slurpies at the Snappy Snak Shak? Tuff Luck.

Okay. You’ve earned it:

Huddle Pear

Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut!!!

Friday Haiku

That little Dutch boy

Is never around when a

Dike needs to be plugged…

Douche birth ritual

doc holds mom over dance floor

where baby conceived.

— Douche Wayne

Looking for kicks. Girls

Invent new internet meme.

It’s called “Harlem Sharts”

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Ducklips throws peace sign

On Jersey Girls night out

Regret, shame to follow

— Et Tu Douche?

Ironically, her

hand placement is a pointless

act of modesty.

— Charles Douchewin

“Don’t bother” said Kim

The web is already full

of pics of my vag

— Magnum Douche P. I.

When she moves her hand

out slides a forty-two ounce

Louisville Slugger

— hermit

Showing off their catch

Like they do on Whaling Ships

She’ll soon be mounted

— Bag em, Tag em

Muggles The Wank Bothers Penelope

My Kingdom and a Horse to anyone who can explain how that Holy Sand Trail formed on Penelope’s nethers.

Best theory wins a free Schrodinger Cat Kewpie Doll. Which may or may not arrive.

Cole Howitzer Stores Stuff on His Arm

The drink suckle purity of Next-Door Katie offers sweet spackle sunshines. I would do her Econ 101 homework dressed only in a Mumu and furry slippers in the hopes that she’d let me finish her half-drunken Diet Coke.

Diet Coke should never get drunken.

Nor should the DB1 eat too many snack cake treats before lunch.

What's More Horrifying Than Kisseus Vomitorius Mugging a Hottie Bar Wench?

Perhaps an arthritic porcupine.

Or maybe this guy (warning: pic NSFB)

Ask DB1: Pudwanks Who Salsa

——————–

Hi DB1,

– Douche ex Machina

——————

“Douchecreep.” I like it. Let us define it as the moment in which choadwankery moves into various subcultures in which it has no rightful place.

Like knitting.

And tiddlywinks.

And lets get some Pear Counterbalance all up in this shiznit.