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Monday, June 17, 2013
Mosi Likes to Decorate His Room in a Pan-Asian Motif
Mosi’s parents wish Mosi would give up the DJ dream and get an actual job.
But for now, Mosi will subside on clove cigarettes, hookah lounges, and a sparkling fantasy of Yeezus inspiration.
Cutie Giggle Jenna likes water for elephants for chocolate for pray love. Cutie Giggle Jenna swears she won’t get pregnant by 21, like her sister, Not As Cute And Not Really That Giggly Eugenia. Only time will tell.
Monday, June 17, 2013Donkey Douche is Like a Fine Vinegar
And like any finely cheesed vinegar, The ‘Douche must not be oversampled or it will run sour.
And yet, I cannot resist.
One Donkey Douche to start off the week, and then I will turn my attentions back to mocking mortal and human HCwDB combos.
But stare we must.
Like at a violent car crash on the life superhighway.
Sunday, June 16, 2013Inside the head of a Female Getting Hit on by a Douche
Mildly amusing animated short from Cracked.
But I’m at least pleased to see Ubiquitous Red Cup made it.
Wallnuts After Dark: What's With The Facebook and the Other Sociable Mediums?
I gotta say, I don’t get this whole thing with The Facebook and The Twitter and all a the other sociable medium thing-a-ma-bobs that people is usin’ today. I mean it’s kinda ridiculous to be tellin’ everybody everything you do by postin’ updates and pictures. And shit.
I tells ya what, if I had ever picked up the blower to call Sinatra to say, “Hey Frank, I’mst heading over to the Villa Maria to go see Nick Manna, the Greek Perry Como, sing,” he woulda said, “Who the Fucc cares,” and tole me to go Fucc myselves. Na mean?
But that’s what people use The Twitter and The Facebook for. On the phone, Pazzo; on the computer copacetic. That don’t make no sense.
And all the “thumbs ups,” and forwards and follows and hashtags and usin’ the friggin’ @ and # signs that I don’t even know what they is, and whatnot. Ah Fannabala, my head hurts from it all. If some guy snapped a photo a me with his cell phone whilst I’m out havin’ a few with whomever I decided to have a few with, and don’t want no one to know about, I’d punch him in the mush. At least.
The last thing guys I know want anyone to know is where they’s at and what they’s doin’. I mean I love Mrs Wallnuts, but as sure as God made little green apples, I don’t need her knowin’ my whereabouts when I’m abouts, if you know what I’m talkin’ about.
Guys used to go to great lengths to stay under the radar. Louie “The Fin” Finnocola wouldn’t never use no phone, no one knew where he lived, never got no mail, didn’t have a phone, would never say good night and would just walk out a place wit out tellin’ no one he was leavin’. Somehow he always knew what was up and where to be and I don’t know how the Fucc he knew all a the stuff he knew.
Friday, June 14, 2013Friday Thoughts and Links
No matter the ups and downs of our world economy, no matter the ins and outs of politics and social upheaval, there will always be douchebags prancing in clubs, pretending to have fun as they desperately desire to pokey the bobble fondle.
Yet missing out of sapphic coital cuddling because of the need to impress a nearby photographer.
And so the Darwinian club cycle continues.
Like a washing machine filled with sea salts and puke and set on spin.
Here’s yer links:
Your HCwDB 1980s-era New York Book Pick of the Week: “…and it made me uncomfortable the way this guy was eating a scrawny chicken wing and looking at me. You know, I just wanted to tell him to knock it off and be a person.”
New Jersey. Ripping off the rabble with the douchiest of scams.
Cracked writes up The Four Douchiest Weddings Of All Time. Well done, childhood alternative to Mad.
But wait, what’s that? New Jersey fights back. Well done, Garden State. Another article on the story from the UK.
Well I’ll be dipped in dogshit.
Ever see Jesus Christ in a dog’s ass? You have now.
Real Vegas is awesome. Real Vegas is not running with the Goose for a thousand dollars while bad techno pumps and paid-to-pose Woo Hotties pretend to like you.
The greatest art project of the year. I often do this, but not in the name of art. Humbug.
The best way to react to Pear.
Speaking of, my new reality show pitch: Pear Chasers. We’re hoping to sell it to Fox.
Okay, you want real Pear. Well how’s about this:
It’s like a shmorgasboard of glute.
Friday, June 14, 2013Friday Haiku
Kim’s in denial,
But her friends all know the deal…
She’s a Panda-phile.
Hook Ups with Panda
Sex Life is sadly boring
He eats, “shoots” and leaves.
— Bag em, Tag em
Well, they talked about
Bearing Ass. Dave was unclear.
Showed up as Ass Bear.
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
It puts the furry
In the basket or it gets
The hose. The bear hose.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Chastity Bono
Became Chaz Bono. And now
Is Panda Bono
— DoucheyWallnuts
Thursday, June 13, 2013Inflatapeople
New!! From Mattel!!
It’s… Inflatapeople!!
That’s right, kids!!
Just add vodka, wait four hours, and let the douchey pool party begin!!*
*Only $7.99 at participating Walmarts, PetCos, and other fine establishments in the greater tri-state area.
* Consult your physician before inflating. May cause irritable bowel syndrome, rectal itch, shingles, lupus, or a total loss of faith in a just and moral universe.
Thursday, June 13, 2013Orange 'Rus
Okay enough DD for today.
Time for us to get back to remembering what it is we mock around here.
Which is douches who run around clubs in Orange ‘Rus in the hopes of impressing real world sexy Semitic boobie proddle Rachel.
That, my friends, is unacceptable in a culture hoping to attain enlightenment.
Thursday, June 13, 2013Hallmark's "Say it With Donk"
HCwDB is branching out into the greeting card business. I anticipate this becoming a best seller.
Suggest your best inside-card slogans to pitch our first line of cards, “Say it With Donk.”
EDIT: Here’s our leading contenders:
“The burning is only temporary. I promise.” – Ted Brogan
“Hope the tests come back negative.” – Guid is Good
“I’m sorry the bone disease has spread to your left arm.” – FredN.
“Sorry about your grandma dying or some junk. Ummm I’m sure she’s with Jesus or Buddha or whatever. Anyway, uhhh, uhhh, crap why is this so hard??? Whatevs, Hallmark cards are for fags anyway!” – Capt. James T. Douche
“Congratulations! I heard you made bail!” – Scooby Douche
“Happy Fathers Day
Whoever you are” – Creature
“Thanks for the best sex I’ve had since prison!” – DoucheyWallnuts
“Happy Birthday! I got you a bracelet. It matches the one my parole officer put on me for home monitoring.” – Magnum Douche P.I.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013Words of Wisdom from Donkey Douche
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Ladies, when ur out at a nightclub please dont walk around the club barefoot! Its disgusting and trashy, nothing like seeing a bunch of drunk slobs waddling their black dirty toes in a grimey, wet, dirty nightclub/bar floor!
*One thing that makes women sexy is nice hands and feet, well maintained and beautiful nails! Also, the “shoes”. A women’s shoes and purse/bag should be the 2 things that show taste and style for that girl! Sloppin around with dirty feet while holding a beer in one hand and your nasty shoes in the other is a NO NO! But I guess this is ok and normal ☞ at the Castle! Dirty toes and cheese fries anyone?
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