Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Brenda's 'Bagtag Brevity

Reader Brenda writes in with a one sentence story that leaves so many questions unanswered:

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From: Brenda

So this cool guy screwed over my sister, im a big fan of your sight, hes a real douchebag.

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So many questions.

How does a douche so douchey become a douche so douchey?

What is the sound of one hair gel follicle spiking?

Why did the ATF smoke-bomb the shoot?

Why is a Dalek attacking?

Wednesday Limerick

There was a bar playah named Jake,

To impress a bar wench cut to look like Veronica Lake.

The Problem with Tattoos

Let this excellent cartoon, so simple in its visual allegory, remind us of why we fight.

Let it speak to a world where flowery peacocking has been transcribed from cloth to skin in an ever increasing exponential circus.

When the mating game’s intensifying competition among the tribe for the attention of the boobie hottie suckle thigh pits man versus iPod in a competition of digital dazzle.

Tattoos are not the problem.

They are but a symptom of a larger rot.

They remind us of how our desires, our self image, our hopes, our dreams, are each carefully molded by an intense landscape of stimulants. Carrots. Sticks. Reward. Punishment.

Do what they say and all will be well.

Fail to conform and be cast from the herd forever.

Heinous Vegas Squeezesack

Well since no one cared about that email from Bondi beach, have some heinous Vegas squeezesack.

EDIT: And if that don’t do nuthin’ for ya, mebbe this’ll wake you up: ConfusingSleeveTattPear

Reader Mail: Bondi Beach

The Beach Tagger writes in with an update on the mock from Bondi Beach in New South Wales:

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Hey DB1.

– The Beach Bagger

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Indeed one of the most toxic problems of the douchal virus is how it spreads from the swamplands of Jerz to the nethers of global emulation. That’s the price we pay for being the arbiter of global mass media culture. But, as Stan Lieber once wrote, with great power comes great redouchability. Or something like that.

The Bro Who Found Pear

Ah yes, one of the lesser Brothers Grimm fairytales.

The Bro Who Found Pear.

Like the infamous Brothers Grimm fable, The Jew Among The Thorns, this one’ll be erased from the past, sanitized for the sake of the kiddies.

But at least The Bro learns a moral lesson: The pursuit of that which one seeks most in the world is not worth it if the price paid is in bodyspray.

So it’s got that going for it.

That, and boob squeeze.

The Janitors of Vegas

Ruh roh. Looks like The Janitor of Vegas found himself a co-partner in coital cleanup.

And this time they brought Party Girl Yvonne into their stereophonic groinal itchal spread.

It’s like a sandwich made from rotting gouda and a slice of salam.

And by salam, I mean salam.

Yup.

Gettin’ my Monday morning diaper change on around here.

And Then, in 1979, They Made "Delta House"

In case you ever wondered what classic comedy films look like when drained of all creativity and originality and turned into cheap, disposable, horrible laugh-track television.

More evidence.

And yet more.

Your Friday Caption This Pic

Between diaper changes and work on a new project, your humb narrs didn’t have time to get any good links together this week.

Well, there is herpster car mock.

And your Amazon Buy Shit Link in honor of Yom Kippur: Jesus Christ Superstar (40th Anniversary Edition)

And this incredibly cool use of digital technology to merge historical crime photos wit contemporary images.

And Tri-Pear.

You’re welcome.

But other than that, I gots the nuthin’.

So while I suck at keeping up this site with the intensity of mock that defined our halcyon days, I do have this.

A Caption This Pic of conversatorial HCwDB.

What the hell do these husk/shells of human beings actually discuss on a daily basis?

And with that, we drift into Friday eve.

And Yom Kippur. Where your humb narrs fasts and repents for my many, many sins. Lets hope Adonai forgives me. I know He has to, but I’m not so sure.

Is it a sin if you only lust in your colon?

Friday Haiku

Yeah, he lifts “muscles”;

“Bro, do you even pull it”?

Fans of Muscle Milk…

Ultra-size Shake Weight™

used in training for Garrett’s

pud wack marathon

— Jacques Doucheteau

Should’nt the sign say:

MuscleBag? There is not much

Honesty these days.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Charles Atlas’ great niece

kicks sand in pud’s face all day

long. And he likes it.

— UFO Destroyers

Fake weight, fake boobies

The only thing real in this

pic is the despair

— Magnum Douche P. I.

World Championship

Hawaiian muscle fu**ing

Win a pearl necklace

— Dude McCrudeshoes

She leaks Olestra

Since the gyroscope was put

In her Monkey Hole

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

She has more muscles

in her abs than he has in

his entire body.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

More than one dumbbell

Is in this picture. That one

Was way too easy…

— DoucheyWallnuts