Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Star Spangled Booty

Oh, say can you see?

O’er the land of the douchey and the home of the something that rhymes with wave but describes douchey Vegas club culture?

Thank you… thank you… no thank YOU…

I’ll be in my trailer.

Where's Tatthole?

Okay, kids, time to play the game that’s sweeping the internets… Where’s Tatthole?

Somewhere in this pic of Standard Vegasian doucheclownery and Sexy Bikini Gigglepacks of Bobblefondles I’ve carefully hidden an arm waving bodyspray huffing all-American Tatthole.

Look closely, kids!

Can you find him?

Adventures in Las Vegas on a Tuesday

It’s like watching a soulless ritual performed by numbed zombies in tribute to a god that never was.

Che Douchevarra, aka Mickey Mau5, Wears a Tie

HCwDB’s own vortex of suck, Che Douchevarra, aka Mickey Mau5, is on to bigger and better things.

Dropping that youthful Marxist idealism to enter the corporate world.

And by corporate world, Che Douchevarra is now the stockboy at a local Hooters. Where he, in the parlance of the kids, makes the proverbial mad Benjamins.

Voluptuous Judy, while quite attractive in a unique sort of way, looks a little too uncannily like a young Malcolm McDowell. But what the hey, I always loved A Clockwork Orange. So I’ll give her thigh an ostrich feather poke, and then repose with a nice Chianti.

Boris and Vladimir Find a New Method to Water Their Plant

It’s called boobwater. Boris’s cousin, Mikael, knows a guy who knows a guy who can totally market this on late night TV. They’re gonna be rich, I tells you! Rich!

Meanwhile, Trixi wandered in from a 1-900 cable access commercial and just needs to use the bathroom.

At least that’s hows I sees it.

Caption This Pic

“Surf n’ turf? More like Surf n’ ass!! Ha! ahaha!!.. Amirite, Chazz? Amirite, Brad?… C’mon bros, fist pound me…. Bros… don’t leave me hangin’… Bros. Not cool.”

Reader Mail: Internet Dating Produces HCwDB

Jeff writes in asking for some well deserved scorn be thrown towards dating site Zoosk:

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From: Jeff

I found these on the Zoosk site on a page supposedly showing off their “success” stories. I think Zoosk is run by a horde of wankers. The page on the site about how to apply for a job actually suggests that applicants shower and brush their teeth before their interview. Makes you wonder what sort of losers were applying for jobs that made them post that request.

—————–

Alls I know is I’mma start a new dating site called “Horde of Wankers.” Going for the honest angle. Like if Christian Mingle cut the euphemisms and just said “No Jews.” Or JDate said “no men who are not doctors or lawyers will be gettin in these hot Semitic panties.”

I met HC1 the old fashioned way. I pined for her hot Jewess ass for six years while she dated a litany of choads. And then I got a show on MTV and she married me and popped out a little one.

That’s the way I roll.

One Word Tuesday

Inflatable.

Reader Mail: Aussie Bleeths

Douchesdownunder submits this reminder that we must also mock female douchebaggery when we find it:

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DB1.

– Douchesdownunder

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Point well taken, DDU. I find myself rather cross when the Bleeths steal my good nature. And by good nature, I mean credit card number.

Hawk Assholio Lights Melanie's Candle

Melanie’s older sister, Joan, felt a sudden surge of regret as she realized that they should’ve vacationed in Niagara Falls instead.

Hawk Assholio felt a surge as well.

But it was probably just his custom pocket rocket.