Hawk
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Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Vinnie Spaghetti is a Fluffer
Of his hair. What?
Mmmm… Monique… how I softly massage your grandmother’s discarded soup apron with only a cannister of melted fruit roll-ups and an egg beater to ward off angry ferret spirits. Your cleavite is the holy beacon siren call of a better universe denied the persecuted Odysseus. And so I pooch tickle your bottom with an ostrich feather, and retire to the veranda to meditate on the teachings of Rashi.
Monday, May 7, 2012Rick's Head is On Fire
No, the other head. Rick curses antibiotic-resistant mutation.
Laurie aced her finals. Now all she’s gotta do is pretend she likes Rick long enough to keep her bartending job through June. Even though Rick prob doesn’t go for women. No one can really tell. Shaved chest is no longer a determining signifier.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012Abra Cadaver
In witness of the Abra Cadaver brothers peacocking display of bumpitude, the Sophie Sisters momentarily considered the majestic nature of the great fjords of the Germanic hinterland that haunts the collective unconscious. But the moment was fleeting. And thoughts quickly returned to Appletinis and daddy issues.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012Shmuckholio Parties in Brooklyn
Leticia and Claudia, the giggle Latinas from Brooklyn College, are way too amused when Shmuckholio reveals his patented “Wanna touch my spikes?” pickup line.
Brooklyn herpsters.
When not joining up to fight for Kony 2012, they would like you to sample their homebrews.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012The Rusty Trombone
His pick up line: “If you blow into it, it’ll play Dixieland.”
Carolina’s Mayan Eye of Coitus is far too delightful for this scenario.
And so a punch a nearby inquisitive scrub jay in the feathery nads area. And it tweets sadly. On Twitter.
Thursday, March 1, 2012Sometimes It's All Just a Big Pile Of Flush
I know intellectually that Mindy Perkenboobs deserves a better level of mock than this post is providing. Her Cleavite does not deserve poke by “Ultimate Steel Pound Machine,” the winner of last Fall’s Battle of the Bands at Decatur High School.
But I can’t summon the mock today. Sorry, Mindy. I will, however, masticate uponst your grandmother’s discarded doily that once briefly brushed your thigh area while changing for swim practice.
Monday, February 13, 2012Chinstrap McAdams Buys Kelly and Ashley a Mai Tai
Don’t look now ladies, but Chinstrap McAdams is about to get cozier.
Lithe Blonde Kelly may be fierce, and I may be slightly intimidated, but I would still pooch sparkle. Oh yes. Like a winter gardenia pancake, I would flapjack those boogie board roller derbies like a disco gajinga bell smackle.
Many of those words may not be words in the strictest sense. But boobs.
Thursday, November 24, 2011Happy Thanksgiving!
HCwDB will resume tomorrow.
In the meantime, try not to kill your family today. They mean well. They’re just neurotic, horrible people who are the reason for everything that’s gone wrong in your life.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011Reader Mail: Mike and Mandy From High School
Reader Jeff writes in with a hypothetical update on everyone’s high school power couple gone tragically wrong:
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In case you were wondering what happened to Mike and Mandy from High School…
Mandy finally decided on that boob job, and Mike decided to become a homicidal maniac.
They are very happy, and running a karaoke business in Lawrence, KS.
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Even homicidal maniacs gotta eat.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011Occupy Hair Street
It’s like some garish Brundlefly genetic splicing between arrogant Wall Street douchebags and an early 90s punk band, running with the Goose while hitting on Gillian, the hottest girl from sophomore year English class.
I need a coffee.
EDIT: Fixed the photo problem. Well, the photo is still a problem. But now it’s visible.
