Hawk

    Wednesday, May 9, 2012

    Vinnie Spaghetti is a Fluffer

    Of his hair. What?

    Mmmm… Monique… how I softly massage your grandmother’s discarded soup apron with only a cannister of melted fruit roll-ups and an egg beater to ward off angry ferret spirits. Your cleavite is the holy beacon siren call of a better universe denied the persecuted Odysseus. And so I pooch tickle your bottom with an ostrich feather, and retire to the veranda to meditate on the teachings of Rashi.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, May 7, 2012

    Rick's Head is On Fire

    No, the other head. Rick curses antibiotic-resistant mutation.

    Laurie aced her finals. Now all she’s gotta do is pretend she likes Rick long enough to keep her bartending job through June. Even though Rick prob doesn’t go for women. No one can really tell. Shaved chest is no longer a determining signifier.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, March 20, 2012

    Abra Cadaver

    In witness of the Abra Cadaver brothers peacocking display of bumpitude, the Sophie Sisters momentarily considered the majestic nature of the great fjords of the Germanic hinterland that haunts the collective unconscious. But the moment was fleeting. And thoughts quickly returned to Appletinis and daddy issues.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, March 14, 2012

    Shmuckholio Parties in Brooklyn

    Leticia and Claudia, the giggle Latinas from Brooklyn College, are way too amused when Shmuckholio reveals his patented “Wanna touch my spikes?” pickup line.

    Brooklyn herpsters.

    When not joining up to fight for Kony 2012, they would like you to sample their homebrews.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, March 7, 2012

    The Rusty Trombone

    His pick up line: “If you blow into it, it’ll play Dixieland.”

    Carolina’s Mayan Eye of Coitus is far too delightful for this scenario.

    And so a punch a nearby inquisitive scrub jay in the feathery nads area. And it tweets sadly. On Twitter.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, March 1, 2012

    Sometimes It's All Just a Big Pile Of Flush

    I know intellectually that Mindy Perkenboobs deserves a better level of mock than this post is providing. Her Cleavite does not deserve poke by “Ultimate Steel Pound Machine,” the winner of last Fall’s Battle of the Bands at Decatur High School.

    But I can’t summon the mock today. Sorry, Mindy. I will, however, masticate uponst your grandmother’s discarded doily that once briefly brushed your thigh area while changing for swim practice.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, February 13, 2012

    Chinstrap McAdams Buys Kelly and Ashley a Mai Tai

    Don’t look now ladies, but Chinstrap McAdams is about to get cozier.

    Lithe Blonde Kelly may be fierce, and I may be slightly intimidated, but I would still pooch sparkle. Oh yes. Like a winter gardenia pancake, I would flapjack those boogie board roller derbies like a disco gajinga bell smackle.

    Many of those words may not be words in the strictest sense. But boobs.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 24, 2011

    Happy Thanksgiving!


    HCwDB will resume tomorrow.

    In the meantime, try not to kill your family today. They mean well. They’re just neurotic, horrible people who are the reason for everything that’s gone wrong in your life.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 16, 2011

    Reader Mail: Mike and Mandy From High School


    Reader Jeff writes in with a hypothetical update on everyone’s high school power couple gone tragically wrong:

    —–
    In case you were wondering what happened to Mike and Mandy from High School…

    Mandy finally decided on that boob job, and Mike decided to become a homicidal maniac.

    They are very happy, and running a karaoke business in Lawrence, KS.
    ——-

    Even homicidal maniacs gotta eat.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, November 9, 2011

    Occupy Hair Street

    It’s like some garish Brundlefly genetic splicing between arrogant Wall Street douchebags and an early 90s punk band, running with the Goose while hitting on Gillian, the hottest girl from sophomore year English class.

    I need a coffee.

    EDIT: Fixed the photo problem. Well, the photo is still a problem. But now it’s visible.

    # posted by douchebag1
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