HCwDB of the Month
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Monday, February 7, 2011
HCwDB of the Month
And now I turn it over to you, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses.
Which of these four toxic hottie/douchey couplings is most deserving to call itself HCwDB of the Month and earn a spot at the 2011 Douchies?
It’s our first Monthly of the year. Here’s your noms:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Ronnie the Rivethead and Woo Girl Kelly
A number of astute regs have talked me out of claiming that Ronnie the Rivethead also showed up as Ronnie the costumed Swami douche, noting discrepencies of pec sag, so this is our only pic to consider for the monthly.
Here we find classic Party Boi clubturd ‘tude.
Mixed in with Woo Girl Kelly’s haunting eyes of ethereal femininity, and the combo is all that is toxic and pooscrape about Poughkeepsie.
Did I mention rivets in his head? Almost five years of HCwDB and this look is a new one. Points for innovation.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Carla and The Bros ™
Carla is pure sexy/porny Vegas trashiness, and The Bros ™ are classic crypto-gay party clowns. Together, they are hottie/douchey distillation.
Adding to their chances in the Monthly, The Bros ™ Comments Thread Whine, followed by Trips to Mexico.
Follow all that up with Carla going out with Guy on the Left Bro ™ for a creepy artificially staged beach picnic, and you’ve got all the combos for a serious shot in the Yearly.
And lets not forget that The Bros ™ are Canadian.
Our neighbors to the north continue to take American douchebaggery and refine it in the worst sorts of ways.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Stay Puft Pantywankers and Assorted Arizona State Slutty Woos
Another Vegas Rehabgasm of screaming douche-face and party piddle, The Pantywankers are all that is greaser in Griecoland.
So what’s holding the Stay Pufts back from being favored in this Monthly contest?
The Assorted Arizona State Slutty Woos.
A significantly unbalanced hottie/douchey dialectic due to the ladies’ dark turn to The Tramp Side. But still gnaw in that regrettable Vegas way.
Still, this is classic Vegas piddle. But enough to win? We have one more coupling in the fight:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
Here’s a case where the purity of the Ubergnaw Tasty Expensive First Date drinkable beauty of the hott carries a punchworthy douche-face from a Weekly finalist to a credible Yearly contender.
But lets not forget Gynochin’s other forays into uberdouche: Gynochin with Perky Peri. And Gynochin bothering Ambiguously Brunette Rhea with Penis Nose.
That’s a quality run.
But is doucheface and douchehair enough to topple Ronnie the Rivethead and Tasty Woo Girl Kelly? The club spectacle of Carla and The Bros ™? And the viral infections of the Stay Puft Panty Wankers?
This is a tough, tough vote.
I do not envy you your task.
But the lineup is set. The hotts and douches are in cohabit.
Which rises to the top (bottom) enough to earn our very first slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards in December?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010HCwDB of the Month: Mister Liptatt and Holly
In a neck-and-neck race to the finish line with The Kleenex Wipe and Nicola, and by neck-and-neck I mean boobs and stupid tatts, the singular wrongness of so perfect a boobie hottie and so stupid a Vegas douchewank took the prize and a slot at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December.
The voters speak:
Bag Margera: Holly’s body is so perfect, it looks like it was engineered in a lab. And liptatt is on par with fish slap. All he needs is a series of pics in which he continues to douche it up as a constantly expanding cold sore. Lipherp FTKITN!
Vin Douchal: Mister Liptatt and Holly FTW even if Holly took off those shades and had a pair of detached retina floating her eyes in different directions , she’d still be HoH worthy.
CanuckSmacker:Liptatt FTW. Holly for the Hall. Simple as that.
Deltus: It’s the difference between *knowing* that Nicola is perfection, and outright *seeing* that Holly is perfection. So it’s Liptatt and Holly FTW, but just by a nose. My nose. Sniffing anywhere and anything on Holly before security throws me out.
saulgoode42: Liptatt- his girl’s the hottest and he’s got epic moobs in the making. Plus, the liptatt itself looks like a strangely-placed third nipple.
soy bomb: Mister Liptatt and Holly for the win. Him: gross boobs, disgusting liptat, laughable facial fung, insufferable facial expression, played-out hand gesture, generic faux hawk. Her: Absolute Perfection.
Justin: Holly has the most insane body since the hourglass…maybe better. Lipshat has all the right moves…stupid hand gesture, crappy tatts, bling, shaved everything-except for the stupid little booty duster on his lower lip…he sucks.
smackdouche: I would vote for anything that involved Holly. Her bathing suit screams, “oh, Oh, OH!!!”.
boatbutter: Holly. And whatever what’s-his-name is.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: the guy is flexing his non-abs so hard that I just crapped my own pants.
Too Short: Holly’s body for hall of hott. Does Liptat have enough to complete the combo? At first glance, no. Upon further inspection every part of this photo has something duchey. Garish tats, pink wrist band, douche face, douche hand signal, douchey glasses, douche hair gel, chest shave and douchey plaid shorts.
Douchie Arnaz: Coldlipsore for the win; Holly for the Hall.
Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang: The sight of Liptatt still upsets my digestive system and makes my bowels discharge oily stool. That idiot is foul. Holly hurts my soul, she’s that hot. This pic is simply the most perfect description of a super hott with a loathsome douche deserving of all the Mock that we can thrust upon him. Liptatt/Holly FTW all the way.
Tom Choad: I’m on the Liptatt and Holly bandwagon, too. Though I’d rather just be on Holly.
army (ret) douche: Because the douche is so close i must vote for the tie breaker hott. Thusly i choose mr liptat and holly. for nothing complements boobage better than a white bikini, excuse me while i find a mop for my saliva…
Mr. Scrotato Head: Mr. Liptatt and his natural breasts for the win; Holly and her bad taste in women, err men, for the loss.
Mr. Biggs: I’d like to propose the Liptatt as a possible 2010 trend. I saw it on another guy and instantly branded him as a douchebag. Correctly too… within 30 minutes he was telling everyone how his pregnant fiance likes when he eats pineapple.
DoucheyWallnuts: Holly FTW with Mister Liptatt riding her hott coattails – “Hotttails” – to victory. Behind every great douchebag is a smoking hott Hott. ‘Nuff said.
Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho: Liptatt evokes the douche-loathing in me like few choads on this site ever have. Hell, he should get it just for going shirtless with that oozing peacock feather tattoo and sagging moobs.
Sometimes the power of a single smirk/hand-gesture in presence of perfect boobie hottie suckle thigh is enough to defeat a thousand club photos. But the Canadian Kleenex Asswipe and sexy Nicola came in a verrry close second, nearly taking the prize:
I douche, therefore I am: Kleenex, for making douchebaggery his business… plus ridiculous bling, CSR, tatts of poo, smirky smirkface, and last but not least, a rather sweet hott.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Holly gives Wood but God save the Queen. And by Queen I mean Kleen. Kleenex for the win and a picture beside douchebag on the Illustrated Encyclopoedia Brittanica.
Condouchious: Holly is HoH worthy, but I vote for Kleenex because his douchiness goes beyond materialism and tats and facial expressions, it is a way of life and a state of mind. It is the reason for our spiritual war against all that is scrote. Also Nicola is easy on the eyes.
ehcuodouche:he deserves the monthly for being a club promoter, fostering an environment where douchebags can mingle, thrive, and grow out of control. The other douchebags might just be spreading their infection partner by partner. This guy is up in a crop duster blasting paraquat over thousands of acres.
Douchey Lewis and the News: The Kleenexer and Nicola FTW. The part of my brain that comes up with pithy comments died at the mere sight of the Kleenexer.
tall guy: Kleenex so clearly climbed the craggy mountain of taint before him and emerged top of a foul smelling, scumbag heap.
Bangladouche: Kleenex. He brought it all month long. His douche-ness out crapped everyone. Holly for Hall of Hot.
Maxim Kovalenko: The Kleenex. Track record is the best indicator of future doucheosity, and this guy has that nailed. Besides, that goddamn sneer makes me want to take an egg beater to my eyeballs so I don’t ever have to see it anymore.
The Goob the Bag and the Pudly: I don’t think anyone this month remotely reaches the depths of douchedom that the human bowel movement that is Kleenex does. He will continue to suck the goodness out of life every time I see his smug, sneering face, until the moment I see it being concaved by a well-aimed mallet.
Freddy: Kleenex, the bling alone would fill the coffers of a Spanish Galleon.
fatness: Nicola is all sorts of nocturnal emission hottness and Kleenex douche makes me want to bomb Canada
Sir David Douchenborough: Nicola fits the bill as a lustful bond girl in distress. Unfortunately, rather than being caught in a web of sophisticated intrigue, she is caught in what looks like a Douche version of Kids In The Hall sketch and thinks that Kleenex will be the key to that coveted position of host at Entertainment Tonight Canada.
Canada indeed has to account for its recent rise in douchal activity, fatness. Coming in a way distant third and fourth, Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha, and The Crustie Brothers and Karen and Sue:
anonymouse: I gotta go with the Crusties for scoring real-world milf Hotts and for being old enough to know better. Young douchebags may still right themselves with age and wisdon, but old douchebags are douchebags forever. That, and Sue. My god, how I lust after Sue.
Devon Wheatcakes: I vote for Vlad the Inhaler because he causes grown men to chuckle, little girls to cry and C. Everett Coop to choke down a carton of Marlboros, whenever he enters the room.
08ArmyDoc: I gotta put the dime down on the darkhorse Vlad – he’s the real meal deal: punchable kissy face, rare teeshirt over head pull, moobs, AE undies poke, ciggie, appropriately spiked hair. And you know he has a tatt somewhere – I think it’s the one on his nads that say “punch here”
Constantine IX Monodouchos: And the king was acclaimed by the traditional ”Oil! Oil! Oil! Long live to the king Vlad!”
Vlad and the Crustie Brothers just didn’t have the overwhelming uberdouche that it takes in the Monthly. Lets turn it over to Nancy Dreusche to take us home to the Yearly:
Lipshitz Tatt and James Bond Bikini model Holly. Lipshitz still enrages me with his How-To-Pleasure-My-Neck-Area Craptoo and Holly looks likes she farts chocolate covered strawberries. And as you all know, I love chocolate!
Indeed, I love chocolate covered strawberry farts too, Nancy D. We’ll see these two competing in at the 2010 Douchies. And your humble narrator for Frosted Mini-Wheats.
Monday, October 18, 2010HCwDB of the Month
Only one more HCwDB of the Month left after this one to determine our finalists at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December, and our crowning of this year’s HCwDB of the Year. This is one tough contest. Make it count.
Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Mister Liptatt and Holly
One one singular pic for The Liptatt o ‘Doom and Ms. Holly.
But one pic was all we needed.
With chin pube, ‘bag hand gesture #41, stupid tatt and nuclear goggles they do nothing, Mister Liptatt is all that is semi-employed at The Gap.
Holly’s superlative curves are race-track gnaw.
Together, they order top shelf and bill it to the room.
But enough to win a Monthly? There’s certainly enough signifiers present. But we got threes more to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Kleenexer and Nicola
From the Canadian hinterlands of Toronto comes this hottie/pooey club disaster that Bob and Doug McKenzie would bemoan with a brew.
Check the run of toxic phlegm: run of party douche, Kleencrotch #3, Woody Woodpanel, and The Kleenexer, Nicola and Some Ninny.
Contasting with Liptatt’s southern ass-scrotery, The Kleenexer wipes Nicola with northern club bling and ‘tude, harshing many a kitten’s mellow.
This is classic pro douche. Paid by the sneer. Setting the template for amateurs the world over to follow in hopes of scoring hottie suckle thigh.
But should we vote pro? Or amateur? Next up:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha
Vlad and Natasha’s win/loss was really a two-part flip book of wrongness. First, the pic you see here, and second Licky Nip.
Vlad brings strangely bizarro Eurodouchery to the game. Shirt over head. American Eagle pokey underwear.
And while many have criticized Natasha for being too zaftig of body, I would argue her plumpness is curvy goodness that brings an extra serving of Pear, and should not be easily dismissed.
But can their two pic run of licky nip defeat the pros from Vegas and Toronto?
There’s one more finalist to consider:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Crustie Brothers and Karen and Sue
Oldbags hitting on young PTA divorcees who go by their American names, Karen and Sue.
A development so crappy, Robin Williams and John Travolta just signed on to star in the movie version of the Crustie Brothers on a wild vegas adventure, “Old Shite.”
Yup.
I have no idea what I’m saying.
But what I’m saying is not important.
What is important is your vote. Which of these four slices of tardy/nuzzle deserve Monthly status and a slot in the 2010 HCwDB of the Year at the Douchie Awards in December?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010Where’s Brothabag Edgar?
Somewhere in this pic of extremely award winning quality sapphic collegiate experimentation between BFFs after finals week is over, I’ve carefully hidden HCwDB of the Month winning douchebag Brothabag Edgar.
Look closely. Can you find him contemplating life?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010HCwDB of the Month: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn
This was a legitimately close three way split vote, with both D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny, and Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie, almost pulling out the upset. But in the end, Edgar and Josslyn’s run was too pure cut hottie/douchey to ignore.
Check the evidence: Brobag Edgar and Josslyn #2, #3, Edgar and Josslyn who may not be Josslyn , #4, purple kissy lips, Experimenting With Plaid and Brothabag E and the Ladiez.
Quite the run of taint. The voters speak:
Guns-n-Douches: Chinstrap, guyliner, blowout, kissylips, iPhone self portrait, orangy-glow, purple lipgloss, drawn on eyebrows and for the love of god, makeup. Yep, I bet Edgar rocks some base… and not the musical kind. Therefore Edgar gets a head of the class 9. Josslyn and might-be-Josslyn are hot, but not double T hott. Bartender who hates her dad is a hott no doubt. So, hott multiplier =3. Edgar throws down a 27, kicking all other nominees asses and getting my vote for the monthly.
C.G.: i don’t care how hard the other ‘bags have tried because Brothabag has his f-ing forehead shaved a quarter of an inch. he essentially framed his ugly face with pubey-beard hair to match the McBrow and the amber-alert mustache that subtly accents his DSLs.
Anonymous: EDGAROHSWEETGODMAKEITSTOP
scrotum pole: I’d gladly live out the rest of my days in a formaldehyde-laden FEMA trailer, subsisting entirely on salmonella-infected eggs and Mountain Dew, if I could briefly fondle a Zip-Loc baggie containing the dog excrement left on the lawn in front of Josslyn’s house.
Bag Margera: Brothabag edgar is the epitome of all that is wrong in the world of womanly bad decisions.
boatbutter: There can be no otha, but Brotha.
Douchey Lewis and the News: Brothabag Edgar FTW. Thanks New Jersey, your journey towards the dark side is complete.
Wheezer: Edgar’s need for hair and other manscaping products has created the world’s 19th largest economy.
Chaz: Gotta go with Edgar for the thinnest moustache this side of John Waters.
SonnyChibaChoad: BrothaBag Edgar FTW….flagged for excessive trips to the John/Photo-booth with the bleeths
Condouchious: I’m casting my vote and a finger wag of shame for the swirling cesspool of ambiguity that is Brothabag Edgar. I don’t know if he’s actually a brotha (maybe Hispanic or Filipino?), gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), or even a dude. I’m not even sure his hotts are of legal age. But one thing is very clear: Brothabag Edgar is pure kissy face, gelled up douche.
Douche-a-lot: And on the sixth day, God created Brothabag Edgar, and when he looked down upon his creation he pouted and made kissy lips. Can anyone stop the Edgarbag?
Sorta Damocles: Josslyn looks like the neighbor who took my virginity and hates her parents. Edgar & Josslyn FTM.
Mr. Scrotato Head: in the words of the old Baghunter spiritual, “Peed at last, peed at last, Thank God almighty, in a horse’s butt we have peed at last.” Brothabag Edgar FTW, African-American hopes for a brighter tomorrow for the loss.
Medusa Oblongata: Brothabag Edgar FTW, girlish innocence lost to gel-caked hands and my faith in youth FTL.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: As Paul wrote to the Babylonians: Tread thee with head hung low uponst the douchey path to fiery damnation.
Wedgie: I will vote for my brotha from anotha motha. Mostly because I can’t grow a cool chin strap, my beard makes me look like a fuccen terrorist.. And I hate shaving. And the fuccen blades cost more than a good bottle of booze, even at Costco.
The Brothabag and Barely Legal Josslyn may have won, but it was a close vote. Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie came close to pulling off the epic upset on the power of groin veins and female buttitude:
Deltus: all other choadstains are weaksauce in the onslaught that is Ted’s GSR’s unholy vein display. That and the rest of his adoucherements? Fuggedaboudit. Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW.
DarkSock: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie for the win, and by “win” I mean live oak root field for a groin.
army (ret) douche: I was really hopping for some competition in the monthly. Scrolling through the pics I noticed the farther I got the more powerful the foul smell. Until finally I reached Edgar… For he is truely worthy of an apearance at the 2010 douchies. That is where the competition really counts, as it will be a terrible blow to the mock should a boarderline stage 3 take home a coveted golden douchie.
Plowboy: It takes years of devotion to scrotology to get your body-fat index dipping below 1% thereby revealing subcutaneous details of the body that would make the publishers of Grey’s Anatomy (the book, not the show) drool.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Tendon Ted for breaking all of Moses’ laws.
McBagsworth: Edgar, Jerzy, and Andrew are all “fair-weather ‘bags.” Ordinarily, one of them might win, but Tendon Ted’s dedication is terrifying. For Ted, ‘bagging is a full-time job, yo. That’s why his horrifying canvas/physique have to take the win.
RAPETIME: Tendon Ted and Annie for the win. They are society’s loss, a vacant black hole of endless days of dieting, flexing, posing, drinking and scenewhoring. They will die alone and unloved. Plus, here’s the kicker; I just can’t get past a pic of a guy who seems to have tree roots surgically implanted in his abdomen.
doucheywallnuts: He has chunks of lesser-douchebags like Edgar, Andrew’s Bro and DJ Jeez in his stool.
The Tendons of Doom were well worthy of the mock, and Ass Pear Annie is undeniably hott, even if stage-3 Bleeth. Another strong contender, DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky spun his two turntables and microphone, and Jenny smiled coquettishly:
chaserofthehott: I have to go for DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and my always lovely suckle they Jenny. Call me Jenny, I will allow you to bear my children. Trust me they will be beautiful, cause I make pretty babies.
UFO Destroyers: Gotta be D-Triple J and Jenny. The sheer pollution factor is high in all pics, but the innocence that is Jenny leads to a greater dichotomy in polluter versus pollutee.
Et Tu Douche?: I feel as though the term “Douchebag” is being thrown around, all to loosely these days, at anyone who comes off as annoying. However DJJJ & J encompass the ideology that is HCwDB. He is immediately what comes to mind when I think of “Douchebag” & Jenny is a Hott.
Elwood Blues: Brothabag “Heatmiser” Edgar has gone so douche-overboard that he’s using Pomade that fell from the Titanic.
ehcuodouche: As much as I do admire the Brothabag’s “skills”, I’m gonna go with the DJJJ for the monthly. Firstly, because I can’t look at that hat without running to the kitchen and making me some Jiffy Pop, and I love Jiffy Pop. Secondly, because Jenny is all that is right and good with the world.
Mr. White: I’m going to let the hotts decide it, and Jenny edges out Kaitlin. Kaitlin is flashing a douchebaguette hand sign of her own, which makes her fall far behind Jenny’s real world hottness. So based on chicks that I’m actually sad to see with douche, DJ Jerzy and Jenny FTW.
The D.J. and Jenny were a quality entry of poo, and will definitely be seen somewhere at the Douchie Awards in December. Poor Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn, douchey enough to make the Monthly, but no real shot at the yearly, coming in a distant fourth, but with supporters:
Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn for the win (loss). My reasoning is simple: there is a chance, however unlikely, that all of these douches have some redeeming quality of which we are unaware from seeing the photos alone, much like our dearly-departed Pumpie. But for Andrew’s Bro, there is no room for doubt: he is pure douche, and was turned in by his own grief-stricken family for it.
Business-Casual Douche: Andrew’s Bro has the potential for greatness. He reminds me of a young Lou Brock in terms of overall potential. Of course, Lou Brock went on to be a hall-of-famer while this guy’s hall of fame will either involve working in Daddy’s Insurance office after skating through college, or managing a White Castle in Gary, Indiana.
Andrew’s Bro made it as far as he could with some duped quality state school hotties, a coupla hand gestures and suburban entitlement. This was Edgar and Josslyn’s week to grease into the Yearly. Lets let Dex take us home:
Baghunters, do not be fooled into thinking that Edgar will simply go away if we ignore him. The hotts he snags have not the intellect to realize the sheer maliciousness of the contagion they allow to nuzzle them. We have a duty to make the world aware of this plague, and any of you who think that denying him his rightful place as Monthly winner, and hardcore contender for Yearly will cause him to fade might as well just go Tivo a bunch of Keystone Light commercials to watch on a loop. I can think of no better punishment. Edgar all the way.
Edgar and Joss may indeed go all the way. We’ll see them as one of our finalists for the HCwDB of the Year at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December. Well done voters. Now relax and meditate with a HoHo.
Monday, September 13, 2010HCwDB of the Month
Bring it. Have some. Pie. Have some pie. Four couplings of hott and choad to make it this far. Only one may advance. Now it’s your turn to choose our next contestants at the 2010 Douchie Awards for HCwDB of the Year. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn
Although the run with hotts is both impressive for its wide variety of hottness, and extreme display of suburban unemployed still-lives-with-mom doucheyness, it’s hard to say Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn aren’t longshots in the Monthly.
Still, it’s not outside the realm. And don’t underestimate the sympathy vote, since Bro was turned in by his Bro, Andrew. Witness the run: Brobag #2. Brobag #3 and Brobag #4.
Especially those saggy pants with ass bite in pic #2.
And Kaitlyn is what I like to call the Canadian Superwhite Teeth Hott. I don’t know what kinda flouride they put in the water in Canada, but their hotties have some of the whitest, strongest, most Aryan teeth I’ve ever seen. They are pure quality lickable teeth. And Kaitlyn may be obsessed with “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” because “Entertainment Weekly” said to be, but I wouldn’t judge her for that.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie
Tendon Ted is all that is pumped up, angry and Groin Shave Vein Revealed retched about Vegas Pumpdouche.
Ass Pear Annie shakes her moneymaker with fervent aplomb.
Together, they form a classic Vegas HCwDB combo, and would represent well in the Yearly.
And by represent well, I mean cause penguins to upchuck fishheads onto snowy frozen tundras.
And lets not forget Tendon Ted’s second appearance on the site, with Mutant Pea Nip Nathan and Sally.
That’s a strong two pic run. But enough to gain entrance to the yearly? Not if the next two couplings have any say about it.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny
From Vegas roid douche we move to classic Clubland Choadscrote, in the visage of D.J. Jerzey’s toilette hatt and the sexy, sultry, amazingly chew shoulder meritocracy of Jenny.
He is all that is $1500 to play Gloria Gaynor at the Schmidt/Leopold wedding at the Holiday Inn off Route 9.
She makes your poopoo do the peepee dance. And that goes for you lady ‘bag hunters as well. For her smile bespeaks sunrises and rainbows and crack addled ferret hump
But is this a real coupling? Or was Jenny just passing the D.J. booth on her way to the bathroom to get away from her BFF’s hookup’s best friend’s unwanted advances after the MMA fight ended prematurely?
Lack of real coupling possibility always diminishes HCwDB affect on the psyche. So that could detract. And then there’s coupling #4:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn
The favorites in the Monthly, but by no means a sure thing, Ambiguous Brothabag Edgar suggests Persian Blights by way of Let Your Soul Glo wrongness. Josslyn is barely legal temptation, but she will be a tempest in a teapot when she graduates college. Witness the run of Brothabag spectacle: Brobag Edgar and Josslyn #2, #3, Edgar and Josslyn who may not be Josslyn , #4, purple kissy lips and Experimenting With Plaid.
Yuchs.
That’s a spicey douchebag.
But then there’s the disturbing factor. Is Brothabag Edgar so noxious, so awful to contemplate, that voters will rebel, refusing to continue the mock simply so we never have to consider his reality as a semi-sentient being on this planet again?
On the Hott side of the ldget, Josslyn is a good girl, but is not the overwhelming sexy that we see in other pics. Does that detract?
Can the Brothabag who may not be a Brothabag take the prize?
Now I turn it over to you.
Vote for your douchiets/hottest coupling, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010HCwDB of the Month: Jebus, Mary and Broseph
In a close runoff vote with The ‘Baggle Axe, the regs voted for the pun-filled Eurodouchery crypto gaybaggery of the Jebus and Mary Stain. And the The Semen on the Mount. And Creepy Euro gaybaggery.
The voters speak:
boatbutter: Jesus will forsake Jebus and so do I.
Douchelips: Jebus, Mary and Broseph for the win! (loss). They are epic douchebaggery. First century shirtless posing, hand gestures and a series of remarkably disturbing pictures. I would ride a donkey through the wilderness, sleeping in straw covered haystacks just for the chance to kick Jebus is the daddy long-legs.
Bob Mcadouche: Jebus. If god sent this douche to die for our sins, then ill take purgatory instead.
douche bagel: automatic jeebus for the win. never has anyone induced punch reflex quite like the jeebs
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: It is said that he once cured a ham. There have been reports that he turned ordinary wine into urine. His powers have reached down into all of us by turning our perfectly good food into vomit. He has even cast a veil upon our eyes to question his sexuality at times. How does he do all this? Because he is the chosen one.
Poultry Turd: When faced with life’s difficult decisions, it’s best to seek guidance from above. So, I asked the dude that lives in the apartment above mine, and his reply came down: “In the name of his father, the sun and the holy scrote, choose Jebus.”
soy bomb: If I ever saw this guy in public my first thought would be “Douchebag”, my second thought would be “why am I in this crack-den? Where’s the exit?” Then I would see Mary and remember why I slimed my way into the hell-hole in the first place. I was stalking her. Oh heavily-medicated Mary, won’t you let me hail you?
Wheezer: Verily, thou must remember the time of the Douchies, and that is the time of the Shavior. Mayhap only the Emost High Jebus and His Doucheciples wilt withstand the otherwise certain final victory of the one called Shathouse. Thou shalt have no other Scrote Gods before Him; Jebus is Risen!…..as has His personal bodily aroma.
Bag Margera: I’m not really religious or anything, but using religion to bag gorgeous Mary hotts, burns me up like a witch in Salem. Jebus FTW, and by W, I mean the Passion of Mel Gibson .
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Jebus for the sin. Mary wails at the temple and God weeps for the children.
Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni:Something tells me if I drank Jebus’s Holy Water it would turn my intestines into a log flume.
Plowboy: Sure, we see plenty of steroidal, tattooed, Ed Hardy-wearing scrotum-poles, but Jebus has left behind all these earthly delights to form a whole new chapter of douchiness. This is where the devolutionary ladder forks, and we can expect to see more clowns like this to be spawned in the months to come…
Creature: Jebus… for he can do miracles… when he touches his cockk it turns to stone, marble to be precise, which impresses the ladies, until he touches it to them & it turns to linguine… wet slimey linguine
justadouchalo: I am currently seeking papal dispensation to hunt down and kill Jebus but, until I get word from the Vatican, off to the yearly he goes.
smackdouche: Jebus: (humbly,quietly) I want them to vote for the most deserving. Mary: (commanding) JEBUS REQUIRES YOUR VOTES!!! CAST THEM NOW!!! Who am I to contradict Jebus and Mary?
Fyodor Dostedouchesky:Jebus for the monthly and hopefully a nailing to a cross.
Justin: Jebus may be gay, but his outlandish, unrelenting level of douche-traits and searing hotts makes him the best candidate for crucifixion. Nail him up!
dbBen: He tells the hotts that he’s Chaldean. It’s just familiar enough to be mysterious. And because they buy it, it makes me want to sucker punch a land-mine.
As Peter, Paul, Randy, Geranium and the rest of the Jackson Five Disciples once observed, gay or simply asexual like his namesake, Jebus is the only path to pure douchescrote. But a close second, The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa sisters:
Professor ‘Baglioni: Why ‘Baggle Axe? He’s wearing a metallic helmet (the aviators, shoulder tatt, and leather pants don’t help either.) And the Marissa sisters (particularly the one to the far right) are charming in that girl-next-door sort of way.
Et Tu Douche?: Me thinks he’s PTP but none the less he is Douche. He was probably drinking a protein shake, after having gotten back from the Jim Naseum when his fellow unemployed Chippendale Bro Christian called to tell him “Hey I know this isn’t the big leagues like we were used to but I found you a gig, and at $50 and free finger food, it’s a no brainer. All you have to do is show up at this bachelorette party, at the Holiday Inn Monroeville as a gladiator”.
armydouche: With deep thought and much inward contemplation, by which i mean gouging my eyes with a spoon, I cast my vote for baggle ax. For only he has the unholy leather pants of GSR, the shoulder tat of douchitude and an enchanted golden helmet. He’s gotta get bonus points for that helmet….
Douchey Lewis and the News:GSR, check. Strange tat, check. Tight leather pants with large belt buckle, check. Golden pith helmet, check.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: I must cast in for the ‘Baggle Axe and explain why. He is tainting the lovely Marissa #2 in the middle. Luckily, M2 is well grounded and will survive a few moments of axeposure, but the ‘Baggle Axe’s brazen efforts to taint the sentient Marissas will be rewarded with my vote.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Leather pants? Check. GSR? Check. Obnoxious tattoo of what appears to be either a Roman Centurion or a toilet brush? Check. Gnawable Amanda Bynes hott on his right? Check times three.
Troy Tempest: I go with Baggle Axe. His baggery is excessive, and while the Marissa sisters aren’t classic hotties, they are all sweet and attractive young women who have no business being in the same zip code as Baggle Axe. Baggle Axe is exactly what we must stop with this website – stop the advance of mindless baggery that is infecting sweet young things like the Marissa sisters.
Wedgie: Baggle Axe. Anyone with enough stones to wear the same battle helmet the flying monkeys wore in Flash Gordon deserves some props.
Well done, jackass.
The ‘Baggle Axe nearly pulled it out, but the power of Crust compels us. In third place, the real world putzitude of Smugger John and Valencia:
Medusa Oblongata: Smugger is just a slovenly plastic bag full of cream cheese. The only thing worse than a douchebag is a lazy douchebag. And I’d venture a guess that Valencia goes both ways. I gotta chance! Smugger John FTW.
I R A Darth Aggie: Smugger John FTW ’cause Valencia has the least amount of clothing.
End the Haberdouchery: My vote goes to Smugger John and Valencia. The weakest douche of the bunch, but the hottest hott. And isn’t mocking douchery in the presence of hott what we’re all about here? Sure he’s not slathered in Preparation H, but he is choad nonetheless.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Because Smugger John’s neck tatt says “Chop Here”, he gets my vote in the monthly.
And in a solid but distant fourth place, our Canadian Superdouche Posse and Slutty Hott Kimberly, The Mountinis:
Battlescrote Gallactica: A super nova of tribal tats on tanned, roided skin, ultra-gay hair, a six pound watch, Afflictionish shirts, women’s sunglasses, bling chains and fake diamond earrings send these two tools straight into the Douche Stratosphere.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: I must go with the Mountinis, for they have brought shame and disgrace to my nation’s flag. All the others are worthy choads, but only one has smeared their filth across an entire nation.
Sack O Douche: Kimberly sticks it out like a champion slut. And I thank her for that. The Canadian Bro Bags are all confused with the tough guy/metro/gay/ roid bag look. I like it so much I say congrats you Canadian taints!
RAPETIME: . F@ck you, Canada. I thought you were cool, man. Plus that Kimberly has one fine bumper.
Sir David Douchenborough: No, as much as it shames me, the Moutinis, with their Hindenmoobs, represent the best example of “Run-audiger selection” in that all of their features demonstrably reveal that they are so disconnected with the actual consequences of their bag traits that they genuinely believe that this somehow enhances their standing and competitive advantage.
Indeed, Canada has let us down. But this is Jebus Christ Doucherstar’s time to shine. And by shine, I mean flush. Lets let Baleen take us home:
Finding it difficult to decide among our contestants, I ventured to the bathroom to take a shit. I thus employed an old ritual taught to me by the bag hunters of old. I examined the brown offering in the ceramic bowl. It had a silt like appearance and pungent yet fresh aroma. Very smooth, very noxious. By divination of my poo, I choose Jebus ftw.
The Divination of Baleen’s Poo is enough to settle this one. We’ll see Jebus and Mary in the Yearly. And the DB1 flies back to Los Angeles.
Monday, August 9, 2010HCwDB of the Month
Four quality finalists of hottie/douchey mucktimuck. The prelims are over. And while we won’t see this douche until the next Weekly, it’s time for you to bring it. It’s the HCwDB of the Month.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Smugger John and Valencia
Chalk up the Smugger for “real world” ‘baggery, and Valencia for Emanuelle level female self exploration of budding sexuality.
The Smugger was an unlikely victor in the Weekly, but the Monthly is a much bigger fry to cook. And by fry, I mean underwear reveal, and by cook, I mean mock like it’s a buttcheek wart.
The Monthly is, of course, the last step to competing at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December for the HCwDB of the Year.
Can the Smugger and Valencia compete?
Perhaps. For Valencia’s leg boots are quality gnaw.
But that brings us to choice #2:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The ‘Baggle Axe and Marissa Sisters
The ‘Baggle Axe took down the heavy favorites in his Weekly (The Stars Hawk and Blight)
Pretty impressive ‘Baggle Axer with bonus toxic groin shave. But enough to take the Monthly? That remains to be seen.
On the Hott side of the equation, The Marissa Sisters are real world Philadelphia giggle.
Especially you, Marissa #1 on the left. How I would pooch your glutes and slap a whisky glass with a dead halibut just for the chance to harmonize your convergence.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Jebus, Mary and Broseph
Who could forget The Jebus and Mary Stain, and The Semen on the Mount?
Our creepy Euro party coupling of the Monthly, the Jebus and Mary Stain is all sorts of cultural blight iconography.
Perhaps.
But The Passion of the Crust is all sorts of mockable club scrotewankery.
Shirtless, pouty, rich trust fund asswipery at work in the overpriced Grey Goose ordering purgatorio of Euro ambivalence.
It’s enough to make me slap a Romanian baker and ask for change.
And Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of accent. Let me gnaw. Let me gnaw.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Mountinis and Kimberly
Blame Canada. When Fred and Jed Mountini go for Appletinis, all hope is lost.
Our Canadian entry in the Monthly, these three Northern Blights represent all that has gone wrong in our friendly Canucks of the North.
Are they performative spectacle? Perhaps. But that is no excuse for Fred Mountini’s ridiculous hair. And while we can’t get a great look at Kimberly, her hott factor is legit.
But lest your humble narrator ramble any more on this Monday after he returned from the Cape, let me turn it over to you.
Which of these four Weekly winners brings both toxic douchosity and delightful hotticity in combo enough to win the Weekly and compete in the Yearly?
Vote, as always, with your reasons in the comments thread.
If you still haven’t created a profile on the site so you can vote with confidence, you can set up a profile here.
Monday, July 12, 2010Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Mel Gibson
A two time winner here at HCwDB, congrats to Mel Gibson and his baby momma Oksana Something for earning this well deserved HCwDB of the Month title.
It’s probably way redundant at this point, but whattadouche.
Hey Mel, the Jews didn’t kill your God and your father’s a testes gargle.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010HCwDB of the Month: The Sharkbag and Renee
Barely besting the Spike of Four Prong and the overachieving middle aged Lenny and Paulina, with The Lake Crotch Cactii in solid fourth, The Shark and Renee’s boobies were simply too impressive to overcome.
Witness the run: Goose Crotch BJs, slutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott,Shark With Boobies and Sharkbag and Renee.
The voters speak:
tall guy: In Sharkpud we have every representation of the axis of evil. The douche hair, the pouty/smartarse look, the Johnny Cash wannabee sartorial selection. Naysayers may say (?) he doesn’t even approach the doucherie of Four Prong and Lenny. I say different. Besides, something tells me Four Prong and especially Lenny would derive too much smug satisfaction from a monthly – itself a rather douchie thing. In summation, Sharkbag for the win!
Scooby Douche: Ima go for Sharkbag and Renee this month. Her fantastic boobs caused me to lick my computer screen for about 20 minutes. I would take mountaineering classes for years just to spend 30 seconds exploring those twin peaks. I could spend years exploring her cave. And Sharkbag, he’s a hard-working douche, what with that stupid hair and arm tat. And what’s that little brown thing in his mouth, a turd?
Mr. Biggs: we have to look to the zen moment of when a douchebag gets the intelligent, curious hott to surrender to his taint. And in this Sharkbag wins hands down. His capacity to sniff out and taint only the choicest of hott meat outdoes all the others. They don’t just pose with him. They bite, they perform mock fellatio, they show off their cleavage, all while he smirks for the camera. So Sharkbag for the win. And as he wins, we all lose.
Anonymous: I’ve never voted before, but Renee makes me do things I wouldn’t normally do. Sharkbag it is.
Hootie McDouche: Gotta be the Sharkbag. It is horrible to think that this choad/wank, this Douche in Extremis, this ugly asshat is floating around the party scene. While I sit here alone with a cat who has projectile diarrhea.
Whoop-di-Douche: Sharkbag and Renee ought to win this monthly, for his hair is as extreme as Prong’s but his Hott is so far above and beyond the usual proffering, I can hear the sizzle and see the smoke wafting off the screen.
Fyodor Dostedouchesky: Sharkie’s Machine for the win. Machine, as in he should be put through a meatgrinder and fed to real sharks, while Renee dons Jacqueline Bisset’s attire from “The Deep”.
Guns-n-Douches: The ink, the bottle-service posing, the f@cktacularly bad hairdoo-doo… (I stand up and applaud) Sharky, you have truly exceeded my expectations. You bring the hotts, the attitude, the image and I am afraid that you may actually reproduce. Well played sir. Sharky for the monthly.
Justin: Renee…still not calling me back? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you..didn’t you get my last 40 texts? You must be busy…I’m sure you have a lot going on, please….Renee…I love you. Sharkbag, keep your grubby mitts away from my girl. You dick.
Amerigo Vesdouchey: His douche aura could power a small town indefinately. His hair could give Roy Scheider nightmares. His hotts give me wood.
Pablo Sinatra: I was gonna say TLCC, but then I scrolled down and there was Sharkbag, the biggest douchebag I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t believe that every vote on this thread isn’t for him. None of the others even begin to approach this. In my version of reality, though, that’s an exploding cigar in his mouth, and seconds later, that smokin’ hot babe lights it and blows his be-mohawked head apart like a hand grenade.
chaserofthehott: Sharkbag must die, and by die I mean win, and by win I mean lose, Oh hell, Renee I love your breasts!
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Sharbag FTW. He has an aura of sleazyness that the others can’t match. Lenny comes close, but a fondness for ball-gags and public spanking does not an autoscrote make. The cactii are just garden variety ‘bags, and ‘Prong is just a collector of cell numbers that all mysteriously connect to the Sunshine Home for the Perennially Confused. Or the Free Clinic. Whichever.
ehcuodouche: I’d have to give the nod to the Shark, though, cause I really liked Gina Gershon in Bound. Shark doesn’t just pull in bimbos. That’s an NYU graduate pretending to fellate his Goose!
Hong Kong Douchey: Sharkbag FTW. He’s the most crowbar-able. Blue top on the right is the reason that “safe words” are needed.
Lurksalot: For me this guy has it all, the stupid tats, hilarious hair, props and bottle service, all signals of a bag giving it 100% in persuit of the quality hot. Oh and how it is all working for him, Renee has clearly tagged him as easy prey, to be milked for drink and blow even to the point of going home with the pud. Later he will bring his A-Game in the bedroom, sweating and gasping like some 3 rate porn star until sated, after which Renee will then retire to the bathroom to finish the job. He will wonder why she never returns his calls and why her and her friends giggle whenever they see him in the club. In the mean time he has the confident swagger of a douche at the top of their game, a veritable proto Samurai Scrote.
Sharkbag FTW.
Well said Lurks. Indeed, it may be the run of secondary pics, not just his initial Hannibal stoagie smoking pose, that takes The Sharkbag into a legit Yearly contender. That being said, Sharkbag just barely won, beating out the hard charging and epic, but ultimately prong-short Four Prong:
Dex: Four Prong! Never have I seen such an undeserving force of annoyance sweep westward from the Orient, tainting all in its path like the stench of so much kimchi. He’s lucky Lo-Pan isn’t around to see this. He would have the Three Storms wage magical war on his pitchfork on a hairdo, and steal all his paid-to-pose women. Because nobody out-macks Lo-Pan.
End the Haberdouchery: I’m still stuck on Four Prong’s Jordana Brewster hott, despite her awful tattoo and the fact that someone mentioned she was in porn. I can change her. All I need is two gallons of maple syrup, a stuffed badger, a nine iron, IcyHot, and two months in a log cabin deep in the Yukon from which we would both emerge emaciated and exhausted, but ultimately satisfied.
Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: This is a particularly tough installment, with Lenny’s over compensating old-baggery being enough to make me smack a manatee, and the Sharkbag’s ridiculous pizza-cutter hairdo. However, my vote must be for Four Prong. Not only because the K Sisters are more delicious than a New York Strip on Independance Day (with A-1 sauce, mashed potatoes and corn), but because while accepting his award and giving me the nod of appreciation, he might just poke my eyes out so as never to see him again. Please?
Bag Margera: Four Prong. Brings. The hotts. Every. Time. Why does he bring the hotts every time? It simply isn’t believable. I can justify the other candidates getting hotts by pointing to alcohol, low standards, and general filthy kinkiness. But four prong is so horrid looking, he transcends all flaws and poor choices in lady logic. There is no explanation and no justification. He is simply Four Prong, Douchebag of the month.
The ladies run cannot be argued with B.M, good points, and good work. Four Prong is pure spectacle, but “Douche Aura” is perhaps lacking. The Sharkbag’s sneer was just so much more punchworthy. And in third, but nearly tied with Four Prong, the aging nutsackery of Lenny and Paulina, who pulled mock from the older HCwDB ‘bag hunters:
Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamscote: Hairless Lenny the freak FTW because he stole my wife’s underwear and shaves like her too.
I R A Darth Aggie: I’m going to go with Lenny FTW. Mostly because I gotta support a douche my age (and admit that I’d ply Paulina with Goose and cranberry, rub cocoa butter into her skin, give her back rubs and read Shakespeare’s love sonnets to her), but also to piss off the Fire Crotch Cacti, Sharkbag, and Prong-bag.
RAPETIME: I need – I must – go with Lenny. He’s my age, maybe at best a couple of years older. He has done things to his body in the pursuit of the eternal charms of young, possibly blood relative snatch that I’d never dream of doing. He knows what he wants and he’s out there living the dream, which so few of us can or will do. Rock on, Lenny and your midlife crisis. You go get some, and may the rest of us be spared the need to join in the utter abdication of your dignity. I raise my glass to you, good sir, and hope you find the plundering of Paulina’s tight assets worth it. I’ll bet it will be.
Troy Tempest: Lenny FTW, and by win I mean loss, and by loss I mean ugly tatts on a roided out granpa and his hideous GSR and leather undies. Ugh. He is a blight on society.
Casey: Lenny FFS. Oldbaggery is one thing, but having “Death B4 Dishonor” tattooed on your abdomen like some East LA cholo is taking it to a completely different level. It was probably the name of his underground hip hop debut on No Limit Records for which he got tatted up for the cover where he GSR’d it on the hood of a rented Bentley. “I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BIG GRAM-PA!” he raps on track 4.
And in fourth, but with legitimate support for real world douchescrotery and everyday girl cuteness, The Lake Crotch Cactii:
bigphatnottadouche: Prong must have a fistful of 100’s to make the Hotts pose with him. Lenny is a scary old bag who has the wierd leather panties thing going for him. Sharkbag was more douchey but my vote goes to oil stains which are the Lake Catcii for fouling the shores in the western states.
Sir Douche A Lot: Lake Crotch Cactii FTW. The Top Gun shirts are really what makes them win over Prong. Sorry Prong.
melvil duchi: TLCC just because we should not have to see Four Prong and Lenny ever again. Sharkbag’s hots make him a worthy competitor but TLCC’s hots still have a chance to not be ruined. And I think the blonde on the left has a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Stay classy
Boone’s Farm is classy, M.D. but your point is taken. However this was the Shark’s week to sail off Renee’s boobies into the Yearly. Lets let Et Tu, Douche? take us home:
Sharkbag & Renee. He is all that is DB from the smirky smiles, to his overwhelming smugness, the hairdo, the studded belt buckle, index finger rings etc.,etc. He seems like the type who takes hours in front of a mirror to get ready before he goes out on the town. His overwhelming, obvious narcissism is disturbing and that self loathing, little to no self esteem Hott’s like Renee are attracted to that is a major contributor to the HCWDB essence. He brings all the douche signifiers, Renee brings the luscious mounds and thus they are my pick for the win
Indeed. They are lucious mounds. Chalk up the Shark and Renee for the win, and the DB1 for his safe travels to the East Coast. I’m on a strange computer, so apologies if formatting is as weird as Four Prong’s privates. Great work to all in yet another hilarious comments thread, and me for cereal. With sugar.
