Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Byronbag

From Byron Bay, Australia, comes this Aussie toolshed and tasty Sheila Hott.

Count up the signifiers, Mates:

Six pound watch.
Stupid shirt.
Half-finished garish tatt.
Glazed expression.

And sweet, sweet, Sheila, with the giggly breasteses, who’s never been on a plane and is very uneasy around Aborigones.

Yet more depressing evidence of the global spread of the Grieco Plague.

Fratbros and Sorority Girls With Miller Lights Approve of the HCwDB of the Week

They’ve got a trig midterm tomorrow, and they’re being chased by Guido The Killer Pimp.

Time of your life, eh kids?

HCwDB of the Week: The Lancelot Boyz and Perfectly Hot PTA Mom Vanessa

With a late-week run of pics, including Lancelot Boy Melvin and Stephanie, a Classic ‘Bag Sandwich on Laurie, and once again Bothering Vanessa and her Bestie in a Room Full of Bros, it wasn’t even close.

And yes, that’s Perfect PTA Hottie Vanessa in both pics, as proven by this side-by-side created by reader Douchble Helix.

Our first entrant in the next HCwDB of the Month brings the hott side hott, and the douche side toady.

Thassa lotta shirtless douchery in the presence of A List Gnaw Girls. More than enough to win a deserved place in our next Monthly.

For the L.B.s are real world preening spectacle of zombified unthinking neo-Nordic fascism and leaders in the future war of ethnic cleansing and eugenics.

Okay, maybe that’s a tad far. But more than enough to trump the oafish clownish meth addictions of Riff Raff and Stripper Girl #45.

Although honorable mention must be paid to the perfect spackkle pear of Amazonian Stripper Pair and Holy Cleavite of Tonya the Tiger in Willie The Kidd Discovers the Rare Amazonian Stripper Pear.

Also props to Bolivian Slip hangin’ with Lounge Lizard Larry Borrows 40 Bucks. That’s a tasty third world milkshake of fondle grab I haven’t seen since gun running for Zapata during the revolution.

Riff Raff Gets Lucky

And by Lucky, I mean the Hep C.

Comment of the Week: The Dude

The Dude riffs poetic on the base impulses of the human race in The Porny Smell of Poo, Sweat and Tears thread and wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:

——-
Sometimes when I’m in a book store and find an interesting book, I want to take a dump, because it’s the one place where no one will bother me and I can read for awhile.

And sometimes when I see a used rag of a human, I grieve for our species.
——-

Friday Thoughts and Links

Every time I think douchebags are no longer a viable source of mock, that they’ve become rodeo clowns and circus performers, I remember that boyz like the Lancelot Boyz are still out there.

Still spending day and night preening and prepping to try to mack on the Slutty Hotts that power our Priuses.

It’s enough to dive a man to Malomars.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB BBC DVD Box Set of the Week: “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.”

When douchebags kill puppies: Queens Bodybuilder throws his dog out of a window. This is why we mock.

Riff Raff got bling, yo!

If you haven’t seen the perfection of the purity of Semitic suckle thigh coy pearliciousness of the leaked Scarlett Johansson iPhone pics, you owe it to yourself to do so (NSFW).

In sports douche news, The New York Islanders have designated an official tattoo parlor.

In Defense of Plastic Surgery.

Source Plague Typhoid Mary of the douche virus: The Grieco joins Facebook. Scroll down to check out the first item listed under “Activities and Interests” and it’ll all make sense.

Courtesy of Hurl Scheibe in the comments threads: Brazilian Beer. For when third world hyper-inflation gets you down.

You think the Honey Badger cares? “Thanks for the mouse, see ya later!”

Grandpa Gets a Webcam. Oh, lookit that monkey!

But you are not here for confused old people and gay nature films. You are here for pear. Here ya go:

P! 2009 Pear.

Sure labeling humans by writing on their bodies has terrible historical antecedents like slavery and the holocaust. But Pear cures all haunting ills of the past in one semi-globulic formula.

Go forth and chomp.

80s Protobaggery: ‘Mad Max’ in Weird Science

Inspired by a highly astute and well observed comment from Scrotation Marks in one of the threads, I realized that mid 80s Robert Downey Jr. offered one of the first true protobaggery templates that grew into the full bore 00s narcissism that became the Grieco Plague.

Here’s a clip of Downey’s “Mad Max” character, an epic performance as an 80s High School Douchenozzle, from the great John Hughes classic Weird Science.

Note: This is clearly not meant to call the actual Robert Downey Jr. a douche (a complex discussion on its own merits, as Downey has dipped in and out of ‘bag status over the years). But here, the man was playing a character. And for playing the genius that was Derek Lutz, Downey Jr. will always deserve props.

It’s true. My cinematic knowledge begins in 1984 and ends around 1987 or so. Grade school was very impactful on the psyche.

Friday Haiku

In Riff’s Douche-Heaven
No seventy-two virgins;
There’s just free Valtrex™.

Hoo Boy! That’s a Scrote
Shipwreck! His signifiers
have signifiers!

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

It just dawned on Kim
‘Ghetto Urkel’ ain’t kidding
Wants her to smoke crack

— saulgoode42

One can only hope
the pants prevent escape from
the oncoming bus

— ehcuodouche

Humpty, Flava, Ice
All have potential claims for
Identity theft

— Douche Wayne

A bullet would give
“Deep in the heart of Texas”
A whole new meaning.

— Ol’ Dirty Douche

A shining poo stain
Of moral decrepitude.
God hocks a loogie.

— Troy Tempest

Pippi Wrongstocking
Needs to pull up his pants or
Get a fish slap.

— The Dude

Lancelot Boy Melvin Pretends to Get Lucky For a Nearby Camera

Aging but still super tasty moms like Stephanie are what Lancelot Boy Melvin does best.

And by does best, I mean stops them briefly for a picture. Then grunts “Grahhh” at them.

Then points to his crotch.

Then flings poo.

Then applies for work at the post office.

The Lancelot Boyz Speak to Perfectly Hot PTA Mom Vanessa in Monosyllabic Grunts

Muggghhhhh….

Grahhhhhhh.