Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Weinerbag
Ya know, I would almost be forgiving of the Congressman’s online genitalia pics simply for busting the best Jewfro I’ve seen since my best friend Benji’s Bar Mitzvah in 1987.
But we gotta have standards around here. And The Weiner Story is well deserving.
Sending pictures of his python to ladies online is autobag.
I have no idea in what world men think women want to see pictures of their package. Most girls respond with a resigned sigh and a bored, vacant look. I mean, so I’ve been told.
Here’s your Douchebag of the Month award, Weiner. Now if you’re smart, you’ll get a job promoting Viagra like Dole did.
Brothabag Anthony Macks on Cleo
For people who think I’m too easy on the Brothabags, what with me giving a nottadouche and a goinpeace to Yamo Been There last week, here’s some classic Brothabag hitting on Cleo Mocha Hott goodness/badness for your Tuesday perusal.
Brothabag Anthony is all that is 80s El Debargian creepiness.
Cleo Mocha Hott stirs the swizzle stick with Mayan Eye of Coitus.
Together, they dance to techno.
Martin, The Douchiest Slacker This Side of the Mississippi
Somewhere, a far way away in Mississippi, a trailer is missing its douchebag.
Jimmy’s Stupid Lips
Still out there.
Still as creepy as a bunch of hungry South Carolina catfish.
‘Ey! Who Wins at The Game of Life? Thissguy!!
Morty Wins, everybody!!
Morty wins!!
Party Guy Juan
Party Guy Juan approves of the HCwDB of the Week winning choice so much, he’s giving us the double point.
I see you, and I see your shy pearly lickable hott smile, Brunette Lauren on the left.
Your coy giggles and embarrassment from burping loudly after I take you to In-n-Out Burger on our third date are adorable, and make me awkwardly stare at your exposed knee from under your skirt, where a dollop of ketchup from a rogue fry has landed softly. I want to lick it. And so I do. And so you call a cab. And our night on Sunset ends with me walking over to drink a few Blue Moons at the Happy Ending Bar and bitching about life to a bored bartender hottie named Mona.
HCwDB of the Week: Clifford The Big Red ‘Bag
While Emperor Hairoheato and the ubergnaw Stephanie gave Clifford and the Tonya Twins a run for the Money, in the end inflated red douchery with two sexy sweet, if pouty, twins from Hibbing, Minnesota, was too much to overcome.
Simply put, way too tight jorts, stupid mandana, and douche-face in presence of brunettes is a winner (loser).
And anyone who claims irono-baggery, think again. You don’t wear too tight jorts like that on a whim. That is learned douchery. And thus, a worthy mock.
Additional noteworthy pics last week included Krista’s Poor College Life Choices for offering tasty collegiate suckle thigh, and the surreal, Guggenheim Show inclusive Douchebags on Boats, both of which may be in the running for 2011 Douchie Awards.
But this was Clifford ‘Bag’s week to horrify the masses through sperm-altering groin tightness and red nips. And both of the Tonya Sisters are gracefully moving into “Sexy Young Mom” territory, and are to be celebrated as such.
Together, they make a worthy Weekly winner as we build towards the next Monthly in a few weeks.
Jedibags
Lets face it. Biggs was a huge douche too.
Comment of the Week: Anonymous
In describing the genitalia of our HCwDB of the Month winner, Peter Pumpin’head, the everpresent Anonymous wins the Comment of the Week for must succinct metaphor:
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If that’s how much the ‘roids have shrunk this clown’s head, his nut-sack must look like a couple of edamames in the tip of tied-off rubber.
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Friday Thoughts and Links
Lest there was any doubt about our HCwDB of the Month winner containing the necessary adouchremonts, our week concludes with Peter Pumpin’Head.
Having ditched Mary Mammageddon, Peter demonstrates douchery in two classic ways:
1. Busting the classic sideways peace sign (‘bag hand gesture #61) in presence of Pocahontas beach hotties.
2. The douche-nipple-poke from behind a tighty blacky muscle shirt.
The prosecution rests your honor.
It’s good to be back.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Yes we do. But this happens to be a one hundred dollar minimum table. Perhaps you’d be more comfortable at one of our lower stakes tables.”
Shark Eats Shark. Stonerbags watch excitedly.
If you’ve got some time this weekend, watch Sex Pistols creator/manager Malcolm McLaren gives an epic rant on what he calls “Karaoke Culture” at TED. “Life that’s lived by proxy.” This is pure genius, well worth your time.
If you’ve never thought about the country of Latvia in your life, now’s a good time to start. And by think, I mean boobies.
I never thought I’d find genius in advertising in a McDonalds Ad, yet here it is.
Grey Goose sales are sandbagging our economy.
This just seems like a huge waste of Ezra’s Bar Mitzvah money
Slayer of All things ‘Bag and reality show afficianado, HCwDB’s own Medusa Oblongata writes in with a douche tag from A&E’s Parking Wars. So this show is on TV, while my new show about brain-addled alpacas on the run from the law in El Paso, Texas, (“Alpaca El Paso”) languishes in development hell.
But enough about all that. Here it is. Your reward:
Like two mounds of rubber marshmallow slappy spank happy penguin drool gnaw.
Go forth. And drink. Because I’m out of euphemisms for alcoholism.
