Infecting the Children
Like Dr. Jeckyl, Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Phil before me, I face the tragic irony of having had the noblest of intentions in my work, but facing the tragic byproduct of having unleashing on society a toxic cowpig that smells like cigarettes and rug burn.
But I fight on. While my karmic penance for unwittingly unleashing a Snooki on the world is undoubtedly great, my work exposing the scrotewank and lusting their hotts will hopefully also count for something on my psychic writ sheet. And while douche culture continues to grow like toe fung, there is no retreat from the war on scrotewankery. Only mocking harder.
King Douchuous the IV Has a Message For All the Hatters Out There
He’s available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.
Friday Thoughts and Links
If ever we think we’ll run out of HCwDB material, there’s always Vegas. Waiting for us. To comprehend the hottie/douchey dialectics in toto.
Like a buttcheek pimple, it speaks to us.
It says, “do not sit on me or I will burst!” And so I nickname it “Howie” and sit anyway.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?”
Dylan McDermott is…. John Douche.
I’d buy that for $269 Euros! Boobies sell, kids. Boobies sell. (features many naked and glorious not safe for work boobies)
Bachelor Party’s Tom Hanks has a son, and that son is unworthy of having a father who was the lead in Bachelor Party.
Douchebags in the News: Lonnie Morris Stuffs $50s in his pants. Yet another reason why Ohio is on my list of potential douchiest state of 2011.
T-Shirt Company starts a promotion where they’ll take Ed Hardy and Affliction donations and give them to homeless people. First world nations should not be this cruel to the must unfortunate among us.
The Jersey Shore continues to be the greatest spreader of Grieco Virus among the young, and while I share a network with the show, its douchal spread is undeniable.
Finally, there is Pear.
There is glorious Pear.
And then there is Chipped Wall Pear.
It’s like two cushions that sing the praises of the glory of Adonai.
Go forth. For the weekend is upon.
Reader Mail: Irish Musclebag
Reader Antibleeth writes in from Ireland with a Musclebag Tag:
——
DB1
This is ‘Corven’, a semi professional wrestler in Ireland… whos real name is Colin.
He get shirtless at every opportunity, even in the irish weather and upon meeting people for the first time he insists they feel his abs and/or biceps. He is a man of few words, though enjoys listing each of his individual muscles with each given their own adjective (such as terrific triceps, brilliant biceps etc).
He claims to have slept with 52 women during one summer… in spain, so there is no evidence. He has 15″ biceps, so I am reliably and aggressively told.
Douche. Bag.
— Antibleeth
———-
Something tells me stories of sexual adventures in Spain is to Ireland what the greater Niagara Falls Area was to nerds before The Breakfast Club came out and killed it.
Peter Orangeshorts
So what have we learned from this pic?
Ed Hardy makes orange velcro shorts.
And Tammy really, really, and with frequent sessions to talk about it in therapy, has daddy issues.
Friday Haiku
In search of no water,
Whobag jumpoffs plague one’s soul,
Hark! Some not gotten.
His best pickup line:
“Do you like your poultry fried?”
Don’t fall for it, girls.
— Wedgie
Stack will be trolling
FSU dorms ’til forty;
GET SOME dignity!
— Wheezer
Did his shirt start out
with giant man-load splatter,
or was it added?
— Mr. White
When will science be
able to explain how Stack
missed Darwinism?
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
found source of strange sound
puppies chew on table leg
Frank, help me out here
— Medusa Oblongata
Looks like Gilligan
Found Maryann and Ginger
Of the cocaine crowd
— Vin Douchal
Gynochin Still Pulling Hotts, Has a Penis Nose
Further confirmation that our first Weekly winner of the new year will be a formidable penis nose in the monthly.
Not sure if that’s Brunette Rhea (need a ruling from the regs), but she is quality leg chomp lemur spank. And so I bite softly. And with delicate chew.
Confusionland with Douchey Juan and Monica
This pic is surreal, confounding, bizarre and kind of makes me want to huddle up under my bed and wonder if the universe really is infinite, what happens when you go really, really far in one direction. Does it just get dark?
Yup.
Belt buckle as a substitute for a bikini top is both genius and Bleethy. On Monica, a quality uberhott that I must gnaw on, it is both boobie celebratory and yet awkwardly constricting and stupid.
So I’m confused there.
Then there’s Douchey Juan, who helped me fix my engine trouble at Pep Boys, so I kinda don’t want to mock him too harshly.
And the lineup of shirtless Meatheads waiting to go into the rock bathroom just perplexes me.
Breaking: Someone Named Scott Disick Swings His Cane
Because I like to stay hip with the latest pop culture yadda yaddas that so concern Ryan Seacreast and Julia Whatever on that single letter network, I thought I’d update you on Scott Disick.
No, I don’t know who he is either.
Apparently he pregged up one of the Kardashians. And no, I don’t really know who the Kardashians are, or what makes them famous, either. I think they fought the Klingons and the Ferengi in one of the Deep Space Nines.
This may or may not be a Kardashian sister.
And I don’t know why you should care about this. Apparently he likes to use his cane to hold back his woman, and to dress up like a cast member of the gay porn parody of Mad Men, entitled, “Mad Cock.”
Anyways, who gives a spankmonkey about these generics? I don’t. You don’t. Back to real people. That’s who we focus on here at HCwDB. Not manufactured Hollywood flotsam.
Yo Guy Says, “Yo!”
Sideways “gangsta” peace sign.
As stupid as it ever was.
