Don Ed Hardy
Way too long, with a heavy “nod” to HCwDB, but kinda catchy in its own way.
Your Saturday Oldbag
To the Real Housewives of Southern Nantucket, I can only ask one thing:
Is Army Crotch an oldbag? Or does he transcend into a strange kind of folk hero?
Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh, Anita.
How you stand there so calmly in the eye of the storm as four Vegas Shoescrapes circle you like rancid pudding.
Anita. Anita! As these skinny tatt-infested muggies paw your soft boobage, remember this:
You can’t go, the plants’ll die.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Mohawk this guy!
Speaking of cinematic perfection, the greatest three minute sequence of the 1990s: Gutterballs! The Coen Brothers are the masters. The rest are mere filmmakers.
Last week’s Basebaggery incident, in which Douchebag Bo let his girlfriend, Sara, get hit by a foul ball, has brought us one glorious revelation: Sarah is Uberhott. Yes she is.
Insecure Twitter and pathological narcissist, John Mayerbag: Before becoming Guitar Spank Lameness.
Streetfighter 2010: Boston Douchebags Beaten with a Bat. Now with bonus cheering!
Celebrity Orangebags attend the ballet. High Culture never smelled of such poo.
KTLA files this report on Los Angelesian Scrotewankery.
For the nerds among us: Darth Schwarzenegger.
Okay, enough nerdgasms. It’s time to get down to your reward at the end of another quality week of hottie/douchey parse.
And since the last few weeks had some repeat Pear, you deserve not one, not two, but THREE all new servings of Pearfection. And here they is:
Splash Pear. Like a summer’s breeze.
And the glories of Step Pear.
For you’ve earned it. Now carry the HCwDB traditions into Friday’s eve with wine, bread, women and song.
D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky
When the last fires of civilization’s implosion burn like glowing coals, and the annihilation of our once mighty empire is complete, I’ll still be there.
To mock D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky’s ridic clownfit.
And hit on Jenny when he’s in the bathroom readjusting his hat.
The Modelbag
Pec reveal, chest shave and carrying a picture around of yourself in a magazine ad.
Add ’em up and Miami Beach just turned in its library card and slapped a penguin.
Licky Lisa’s tongue is playful, but her eyes betray the fear of Yanni music and forceful gropings by the pool at 2am.
Friday Haiku
In Vegas, the beast,
Lucifer’s epiphany:
Just another douche.
Fawk red hair
Fawk devil’s horns
Ming Li wants sushi
— mr.reeve
Rehab Anti-Christ
heard Jebus won a Monthly;
answers the challenge.
— Wheezer
While the Old Bag slept
His friends dyed hair with Kool-Aid
He thought it was rad
— Mr. White
The “Biker Rabbi”
Drives his Hog from shul to shul
Free circumscisions
— Vin Douchal
I never wanted
To ever have a real job
My plan is working.
— Wedgie
Damn, Satan sharted.
Forty-three is the new…douche.
Lucifer don’t wipe.
–Amerigo Vesdouchey
So apparently
Satan’s drink of choice is gin
from water bottle.
— Bag Margera
Tommy Pudwack
Tommy Pudwack rules the ladies of the 12th grade Senior Dance at Westlake.
His parents may be, like, a doctor and a lawyer, but he’s keepin’ it real regardless. Cuz he gots mad game, yo!
Michelle, Maria and Marnie giggle like schoolgirls. Then they have pillowfights and rub each other with peach marmalade.
And on a semi-unrelated note, for the football fans among us, here’s last year’s Brett Favre Douchebag of the Month award writeup. Still applies.
Ask DB1: Tribal Tatt = Autodouche?
—–
DB1,
First off, I love the site, and I’m still holding a slim candle of hope that we might be able to stem the tide of douche water flooding our country.
However, I have one quick question. Is the equation “tribal tat=autodouche” a hard rule?
I only ask because of this. I have had a few friends who have had tattoos as a cover-up for scars after surgery, pregnancy, etc., and it got me to thinking. Scar tissue and skin tissue are two different things, and change and age differently. It occurs to me that a thick black line, such as a tribal or other similar fare might work better than something more detailed, which might mar and warp as scar and skin begin to age.
While I still believe that armbands should still be a one-way autodouche ticket, do you believe that there might be something of a gray area in the tribal tat zone for those used as coverups?
Best regards,
Fellow Douche Fighter.
—–
I’m not sure what friends you’re hanging out with, FDF, but using tribal tatts to cover up scars from surgery or pregnancy is troubling and vaguely scary.
If you’re not in a tribe, a tribal tatt is autodouche. On its own, with no other ‘bag signifiers, it’s a stage-1 violation.
Powerturd Says “Durrrrrr….”
Powerturd: “Durrrrr….”
Drunk Dina: “Wha-?”
Powerturd: “Bleeeeeeehhhh.”
Drunk Dina: “Woo!!!”
Powerturd: (sniffing)
Drunk Dina: “Can we reconcile phenomenology with Lacanian psychoanalysis or are they incompatible when forming a meta-philosophical ethos?”
Powerturd: “Fweeee….”
Brothabag Edgar Experiments with Plaid
Plaid – 1
Extensively coiffed chin pubes – 0.
Bartender Lana – Hates her Dad.
