Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh those Europeans are a wacky bunch. First The Dreyfus Affair. Now this.
Your humble narrator is pleased with another quality week of mock, and props to all the ‘bag hunters and huntresses who fill the comments threads with daily genius. Your humor and cultural deconstruct bring A-List mock to the world. And what more could Jebus want?
I sit. I scratch my toesies because they itch. I enjoy a tasty Hostess Twinkie and microwave some Trader Joe mini-pizzas. Because I’m healthy like that. And I await more Peyton List on Mad Men later this month. Mmm…. quality T.V. with boobies.
Here’s your links:
The great Skweezy Jibbs releases his first music video: Phat Black Women.
What’s fake tanned, pumped up and ridiculously douchey? Wrestler Darren Young. No R.L.R. forgiveneness for that look, Darren.
Douchebag Exterminator gets his own T.V. Show. And by “exterminator,” I mean the annihilation of culture, quality, taste and intellect.
One of the key corporate sponsors of the douchepocalypse, Axe Bodyspray pollutes a boobie at the World Cup.
Reader Bryan creates a pretty hilarious HCwDB Tapout Logo. Could make for some nice photoshop fun for the designers among us.
Eagle-Eyed reader ‘Bagville noticed that Facebook’s online game Farmville is now talking like Stackhouse. Let me know when Farmville finds some whobag jumpoffs.
Mantyhose. For when you absolutely positively need to have the appearance of tribal tattoos on your legs. And yet another sign of the crisis of modernity.
But you’re not here to laugh at Mantyhouse. Well, yeah, you are. But you’re also here for Pear. No week is complete without your Pear reward. So here you go:
Let it never be said that there is no meaning in this universe again.
Captain Mediocre Works the Party
It’s a nice case of truth in advertising that Captain Mediocre didn’t give himself a better superhero name.
A 2.6 from Washington State and vague plans to be an “architect” because he once read a book on Frank Lloyd Wright do not belie his permanent residency on the couch of his best friend Dave.
Mindy is all that is bright and youthful and wholesome and boobie fondle about a spring summer day in Guadalcanal. She makes flowers bloom and small woodland creatures hump tree stumps. For that, I follow her around the supermarket aisles, pretending I’m looking for peanut butter.
EDIT: Pretty sure that’s Mindy again. Or her twin. Twins, Max. Imagine the possibilities.
Beau and Mindy: The Shirtless Double Standard
When Woo Hotties choose to strip down on the dance floor and shout “Woo!” it is to be commended at a future date with a cash honorarium and a Popsicle.
When a Jerz Meatclown decides to go shirtless and reveal he’s tattooed “Beautiful,” along with a swirly pattern that resembles lake fungus near a toxic waste dump on his shoulder, it is to be urinated on from afar like a tribal elder treating a snake bite.
Friday Haiku
Inscriptions on face,
Tell where the gold is buried,
Hint: “No fault divorce.”
Tattoos on his face
Signify his gangster ties
With MS-Turdy.
— Crucial Head
The plain white t-shirt
offsets Affliction body;
his ass is tapped out.
— Wheezer
Instinct takes over
As Duane humps Steff’s dress that looks
like mom’s couch cushion
— Mr. Scrotato Head
Jawa on on left cheek
Searches face for scrap metal…
Build droid to kill him.
— Boatbutter
Rorshach nuzzles up
Kimmy smiles uncomfortably
sees a bad pattern.
– Mr. Biggs
Sandy smells so good
Puddy Holly’s getting wood
Do better, she could
— saulgoode42
Prison G.E.D.
Teacher’s pet has a huge crush
Not a shot in hell
— Vin Douchal
Even this dude’s poop
Is bedazzled with
White Corn Hieroglyphs
— DarkSock
grandma’s wallpaper
disguises pointy funbags
anal bead necktie
— paperorplastic
Monique Leaves France, Discovers Tatt Pec Tony, Has Existential Crisis
It’s a strange story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gives up on D.J. dreams and gets a job at Citibank.
Albino Harold
Sunlight may do permanent damage to his upper cutaneous layers, but that won’t stop Albino Harold from hitting on Pammy at the coolest bar in Ames, Iowa (well, the only bar in Ames, Iowa) on a Tuesday night at 7:42pm.
The Jebus and Mary Stain
“And Jebus said unto them … “If ye have faith as a grain of hair gel seed, ye shall say unto this crotch, Remove pubes to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you, except for getting into the V.I.P. room after 10pm.”
~Fluke, 8:15~
Reader Mail: Ed Cardy
——
dear DB1,
yesterday whilst driving down la brea, i spotted this abomination.
i really wanted to pull along side of them and say ” don’t mind me i just want to snap a pic of the sweet wrap on your ride” but this was the best i could bag.
the whole car was adorned with the wrap of poo. i had to stare at this ride for quite some time and was forced to ponder what went through the drivers mind when getting said ride wrapped in poo. the inhabitants were as douchey as expected but still left me wondering… were they just ad bags? poser bags? gay bags?
all possibilities combined together made sense but neither could stand on a leg alone. interesting…
-douche bagel
—-
Good catch, Mr. Bagel, and yes, the spread of the Hardy Virus must be monitored at all times. And by monitored, I mean mocked from a safe distance while wearing your seatbelt and listening to The Dead Milkmen on Sirius.
Prince Crotchpeein
It may be impossible once I’ve posted this pic, but avoiding looking at the pee stained douche crotch is probably a wise decision to avoid future therapy bills.
Dammit, now I made you look.
I’m sorry. That was mean.
Will a serving of Refrigerpeartor make up for it?
Jebus, Mary and Broseph
“And Jebus said unto Mary and Broseph, “Hark! Go forth to Miami Beachlehem. And spray Axe Bodyspray uponst your head and shoulders three times. For it is easier for a cameltoe to pass through the eye of Don Cheadle than for a douchebag to get into Club Heaven.” — Corinthians Leather, 24:7
