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Ode to Tommy Pak
This is what happens when Mitch and Bobby invite two Bennington Girls to Mitch’s parents house up in Burlington, and then Mitch finds the absynthe.
Either that, or it’s an ode to this guy.
HCwDB of the Week: Tommy Pak, Giggle Ladies with Daddy Issues, and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious
While last week was a notoriously toxic week for douche tatts, what with The Skin Show, the creepy neck hitting on innocence of Coprophagia, yet more from Crazy Eyes Killa (1/2 of the Greasepitz), and the heinous Tatticus Finch.
Yech. Seriously depressing realities of our overstimulated, overtatted culture.
THen there was D.J. Assholio and Random Pocahontas Girl, the Greek myth of Pecopoulous, the jaundice of Old Man Liver, and the great news of Bankrupt Preppiebag.
But none were more poisonous to the ecosystem than this unholy pairing.
Maria and Consuela hate their father, Mario, for uprooting them from Uraguay and moving them to Arizona.
Tommy Pak is uberpudwack. The Hand of the Collective Unconscious speaks for all of us. And adds a delightful touch of the surreal to this kinetic mess.
Chalk this classic Vegas Clownpud and tasty latina burritas for the next Monthly.
And your hungover narrator for early morning HoHos and milk. Cuz I’m healthy like that.
HCwDB of the Year
This one’s for the whole enchilada.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
As I wrote last time, the dead eyes of a douche-shark and the tatts of an anal wart were too much to overcome.
And lets not forget Guggenheim 2023 entry, “Innocence and Poo Face.”
Barely besting the roidal rage of Orangudan and sexy slutty cocktailing Vegas Kim, with the Groverpocalypse also finding the support, The Jerksenstein/Cindy combo was both doucheface and artistic craptastery.
As Charles Nelson Doucheley put it: Sleepy Jerkenstein is easily the wrongest of the lot. The other two don’t create any rage. A tatted up Vegas bleeth deserves some roidhead who can only speak in grunts. Sarah deserves to spend time at Grover’s commune (actually, a bachelor apartment in Omaha) until Daddy finds out and cuts off her trust fund.
Or maybe retard said it best: Never before have I been so thoroughly disgusted by the difference between girl-next-door-cute Cindy and choadwank Sleepy. The thought of him pawing on Cindy’s funbags is downright repulsive. Fear God as the cheektats suggest? Nah. I might openly question why he allows bottom feeders like Sleepy into our world.
A solid first entrant in the wrongness between douche awfulness and sexy hottness, and well deserving of the finals.
But look who just entered the arena!…
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Benzino and the Unholy Pear Fondle
While Larissa may be headed to the Hall of Hott, And Jack the Lipper and Pouty Michaela came close to the upset, Benzino and Pear take the cake.
The Benzbag’s run was epic douchery. It began in March and picked up speed when Benzino mugged Soho Sophia in November.
From there:
Benzino’s Mongoresque Stare with Party Hotts
And Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott and Benzino and Rich Girl Rachel Hott’s Rachels.
And of course, for full douche pedigree:
Benzino with Peter Pumpin’head and Benzino with The King.
Wowza.
That’s a lotta Vegas choadwank.
As Guid is Good put it so eloquently during the vote:
Benzino has had the Yearly in the ‘Bag since birth. It’s like when Tiger Woods was banging a dozen cocktail waitresses at a time, everyone else is just playa’ing for second.
Benizno is purity of douchenozzle like rare this site hath seen. But is Benzino too “Paid to Douche” to win the Yearly? One more major entrant, and the voting shall begin:
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret
From July, Kisseus had his epic run of grandious putridosity.
Witness the taint one more time: I should’ve stayed in bed, drunken makeout, Naughty Nape Nanine, fauxhawk spittle, seal nads punch, threesomes with Margaret, toxic Jesus chew, and, finally, a new rose tattoo.
Yeeeeeechhhhhh.
THEONETRUEDOUCHE explains his vote in the thread:
Every year I hate that I must vote in this contest-The contest shows that Douchebagery continues and we have yet to eradicate this plague from the earth. Each year we must resolve to continue that which DB1 began and to wipe from the planet this virus that eats at our soul. We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world. Let every douchebag know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty. This much we pledge—and more. Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret.
Let this be our rallying cry for the 2012 Douchie Awards. For the finals are here.
Jacques Doucheteau agrees:
All the other contenders are amateur douchebags, douching it up like animals on the weekend only to return to a dulldrum life of hawking iPhone covers at the Sprint kiosk in the mall. Kisseus Vomitorious is a fuccen pro. He breathes, eats, and lives douche like Axe is oxygen and Blue Label Vodka is fuccen ass puss. Because he subsists on ass puss. Fucc dat guy.
And, as eagle-eyed long time ‘bag hunter Wheezer observes, K.V. also won a 2011 HCwDB of the Week as Tommy Pak.
But is K.V. just another Vegas ass choad? Well, yes. And that certainly doesn’t preclude his douchetidue with that level of hott counterbalance from winning the Yearly.
Now I turn it over to you.
The horrors of Sleepy Jerkenstein and Hottie Cindy? The tatted up greasism of Benzino and Pear/Soho Sophia? Or is it K.V.’s idiotic douche-abs and sexy Margaret?
This is it.
Vote, as always, in the comments threads.
A Douchebag on Halloween Is Like The Sound of One Hand Clapping
A metaphysical query as we consider HCwDB of the Week winnerTommy Pak and Maria on Halloween.
Or, as the fool once asked the wise man: Is it douchey for the douche to dress douchey on the one day it isn’t douchey to dress like a douche?
HCwDB of the Month: The Herpster and Librarian Laura
In a tight oily grease-off with the classic crypto-gay ‘bag stench brought by the Lancelot Boyz in presence of Hott Vanessa , Herpsal innovation was just too much to overcome.
The voters speak:
Maxim Kovalenko: The Herpster. Because no picture in the history of this site demonstrates what to do, and what NOT to do. Besides, I just wanna take a sledgehammer to his little bowtie.
Ol’ Dirty Douchebag: The Herpster because “Junk Formalwear” needed to be invented.
FlipFriddle: The Herpster FTW (or our eyes and good taste FTL (for the loss)). A Douche that creates his own sub-genre is Hall of Scrote bound. Off you go!
Vin Douchal: Librarian Glasses Laura woo girl is hott. Bleethy bangalicious lickety hipgrind squirt Labradoodle Coppertone scented slipperiness sexfun.
One for the Choad: Froholio deserves instant induction into the Hall of Scrote, but the combination of the Herpster and Librarian Laura has the best balance of hot chick and douchebag, even if Laura has spent the last three months practicing that pose in the mirror. Herpster for the win, and societal loss.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Now when ever we say “herpster” an immediate image will come to mind of this unholy fertilization between an egg that should have remained stuck in the menstrual blood of a $3 whore’s tampon and the cannon juice of Kim Jong-Il.
Mrs. Something: My vote goes to the Herpster because I want to do the exact opposite of fitting him with my flesh tuxedo. Which I guess would be NOT fitting him with my flesh tuxedo.
Condouchious: Don’t let the glasses fool you, Librarian Laura is neither librarian or nuclear scientist. But I’ll live with my delusions and enjoy her pose. Bonus hott: the tasty Dancer Marie.
tall guy: horrible as the recognition most surely was, I’ve just noticed The Herpster is wearing Speedos, which is, of course, so very, very wrong even without that stupid little bow tie and vest shite.
Wedgie: I have a thing for librarians, ever since as a young Wedgelet I met a pretty young thing at our local library whose image haunted me through puberty. In other words, last month.
Douche of Hazard: Herpster. She is kind of hot. He is wearing a tuxedo and carrying a gun. He is the James Bond of dueches.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: The Herpster because he makes me want to roll around violently with Rachael Ray in a family sized tub of penne with rose sauce and spank her with EVOO and Parmagianno-Reggiano while I ass feed her with Laura’s head.
CB Popped: FTW it has to be The Herpster for giving us the new sub species of Douche. That combined with Librarian gets my vote.
Douchese of Laval: the Chippendale wanna-be you can smell from here. With stupid tattoos he’s afraid to reveal to his boss at work and the delusion that he owns the place. Laura is prime hottness. Put them together and you have a monthly winner, folks!
Chris in ‘Baghdad: the Herpster, with his 1,000 yard PTSD stare, plus the gay little swimsuit…FTW!!!!
Doucheywallnuts: The Herpster and Laura’s glasses FTW (loss), for he packs the wallop and engenders the disgust of two prodigeous douches such as The Boyz in one tatted, head-tilted package.
Well parsed and mocked, Team, gold stars all around. Innovation in douchebaggery while ignoring taut hott butt rubb (THBR) is definitely award worthy. But PTA Mom Vanessa and the classic mockery of the Lancelot Boyz was a close second:
FoghornLeghorn: Yoda: Hmm, for the win, then is Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa.
Et Tu Douche?: The Lancelot boys are all in when it comes to their commitment to baggery. It’s a lifestyle they fully embrace. There is no flip flopping with them. As For PTA Mom Vanessa she’s hott in various ways, hell even the cigarette kind of gets me going. Her B( . )( .)Bs might be saggy but they’re real and that’s a good thing.
The Dude: The Dude casts his vote for the Lancerots and the Smoking, Hott PTA MILF Vanessa, with a lingering nod to Librarian Butt girl, and by nod I mean nose snuzzle.
Choad the Douche Sprocket: normally, me likes me hotties with more meat on their bones (and especially their gams), but gazing into the ginormous shades and empty brains of the Boyz inspires in me certain homicidal thoughts, i.e., to front-load a pick-ax into their vacuous visages…therefore: Murder = The Win (Loss) for these poseurs.
Hurl Scheibe: It’s that f#cking sneer that makes me want to stick a 10″ rusted nail into the tip of a Doc Marten and kick those turds in the bnuts, Tom Dempsey style.
That sneer, indeed. A violent metaphor, but apropos, H.S. The odiousness of Tommy Pak and the Giggle Ladies (and hand of Collective Unconscious) came in a solid third:
icame isaw idouched: Tommy Pak FTW. This wad of fuck could care less about the Hotts, he to busy salivating over the reach around from the dude behind him.
Hermit: Maria and Consuela were just two well-behaved schoolgirls enjoying life and studying hard at Catholic School in Las Cruses, New Mexico. But since they started rolling with T-Pak, their life has become a hellish death plunge into a purgatorial nightmare for which there is no absolution, even from The Pope himself.
hatealldouches: Tommy Pak gets the vote this month. Sure, Consuela may be a bit average, but Maria on the left is smokin’, so that gets the HC vote. And as icame isaw mentioned, in the purest of douche behavior, Pak’s only concern is about himself and the reach around he’s getting from his buddy. Clearly THAT is what has him excited.
And poor Froholio and Hangin’ on Kaylie finished fourth, but with support as well, and by support, I mean hairspray:
Nostradouchus: Froholio is head and douchie hair above the rest.
skrag2112: I judge these on a scale of how many shovels I’d like to apply to the face of said douche, and Froholio definitely wins with a 9 out of 10 faceshovels. I’d never give any douche a perfect 10 because that would imply they are perfect at something, and I don’t want to inflate their egos any larger.
I R A Darth Aggie: No, DJ Froholio your hair stylings and your belief that you get the rock star exemption. You can see it in his eyes, that smirk, the duds and the Jesus bling.
I thought the same, Mr. A, but pro-baggery just doesn’t rankle the way authentic scrotery does. And Kayle just couldn’t compete on the hott side neither. This was Herposity’s time to take us towards 2012. Lets let idfma take us home:
It’s a tough call, but it’s gotta be the Herpster. Between the hideous tapestry tattooed to his chest, and the tuxedo speedo that’s almost as flat in front as the beautiful Vanessa’s – the Herpster seems like a special kind of douche – one who might get the girl, but not be able to do anything with her once he does. His vacant look puts the cherry on top.
Well put, idfma, and that’s why we call ’em our winners (losers) and next-to-last entrant at the 2011 Douchie Awards in December. Book ’em, Dano, and your humble narrator for Frosted Mini Wheats.
HCwDB of the Month
The 2011 Douchies are only a few Months away. You know what to do. Bring it.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa
With a late-week run of pics, including Lancelot Boy Melvin and Stephanie, a Classic ‘Bag Sandwich on Laurie, and once again Bothering Vanessa and her Bestie in a Room Full of Bros, The Lancelot Boyz bring crypto-gay Bassian wankery to the game.
Hott PTA mom Stephanie has one of the confusing old/young Portrait of Dorian Grey things going, which only makes her hotter.
Is she 20? The body says yes.
Is she 35 and drives a minivan to soccer practice on Saturdays? The face says maybe.
Together, a swirling vortex of hottness.
In presence of Lancelot Boyzery, a solid alchemic wrongness and a strong favorite for the Monthly.
But we’re just gettin’ started.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: HCwDB of the Week: Tommy Pak, Giggle Ladies with Daddy Issues, and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious
Giggle Ladies With Daddy Issues, especially of the barely legal kind, are the kind most in need of saving.
Here we see Maria and Consuela, sisters still pissed off at dad for the move to the States.
So they get back at him.
By allowing butt fondle from a heaping douchenugget like Tommy Pak.
And lets not forget Guggenheim Art worthy “Hand of the Collective Unconscious,” rendering the entire pic a modernist synthesis between Pop Art and Outsider Art in the Brechtian mode.
But enough to win the Monthly?
Two more to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: DJ Froholio and Hangin’ On Kaylie
Froholio and Kaylie won in a week weak. Or weak week.
I knew that loose was too noose.
The kids today wouldn’t even get that reference.
But I digress.
Froholio has the stupid head. Is Paid-to-Pose DJ asshollickery.
And Kaylie is tasty, even as she holds on to 16 as long as she can.
Changes come around real soon… okay fine, so maybe my references are dated. Whaddaya want? All the young kids with the pumped up kicks?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Herpster and Librarian Laura
Herpster.
Librarian Laura butt.
Together, they synthesize coagulated poo.
Herspter’s vacant stare and tuxedo crotch innovated an entire new sub-species of douche mock. The fact the wrongness of his presence is counterpointed by the normalcy of Good Guy Ron, getting lucky with Dancer Marie, even more strongly sets the anal pucker of Herpsterism as noteworthy and distinct.
It burns. And is our final coupling up for the contest.
One of these four couplings is most toxic, and deserves to be called “HCwDB of the Month.”
But which?
I need your vote.
Tell me, in the comments thread, which pic most keeps the hot side hott and the douchey side douchey.
Vote now.
HCwDB of the Week: D.J. Froholio and Hangin’ On Kaylie
Last week was a particularly skeezy week of toxic nastiness. Between The Wiggas with Pear, Brothabag Jesus and Tall Jenny, The Duckface of Aswipius the III, the Ode to Tommy Pak, and the horrifying Crisis on the Way to Enlightnment. Yeesh.
The only true competition, however, was Armenian Glendale Toyota Dealer Hatoonian and his hottie Jenga.
We even had Granpa Oldbag and the Guy Who Flips off Camera Guy.
But for sheer classic assbaggery in a D.J. modus, D.J. Froholio is our winner (loser), and Hangin’ On Kaylie reminds us all to appreciate the mid-30s party girl confused about the rules nature has established regarding age and mating calls.
And lets not forget D.J. Froholio and Needin’ a Sammich Linda.
Hard to call this coupling a favorite in the next Monthly, but there’s more than enough HC/DB dialectics taking place to earn the Weekly.
Now someone shave that ‘fro with a rusty razor and put on some Flo-Rida for Kaylie to dance to.
And me, I’se a gettin’ a Pop Tart. Microwaved. Cuz that’s how I roll. With breakfast pastries.
Giggle Ladies with Daddy Issues, Part 2
Continuing our recent study of Giggle Ladies with Daddy Issues (GLwDI), here’s Maria and Consuela getting back at their dad for moving them out of state back in 2nd grade.
The tool of their revenge, and by tool I mean tool: “Tommy Pak.”
Poor, poor Mario.
He just wanted a better life for his kids.
He’ll carry the karmic and existential pain of Tommy Pak through the retirement years.
