Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Tagging a Scrotomobile

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To Mr. Douchebag1:

LT. Haytr4Life

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Anyone who thinks our war on choadpocalyptic visions like this one is over, think again. We must keep mocking. If not for the children, then for the suckle thigh.

Friday Thoughts and Links

A bouncy week for your humble narrator, as his time meditating on the boobie hottie suckle thigh (quality brunette edition, pictured here) and mocking the choadscrote (multihairwanks, pictured here) was distracted by all sorts of things like “CSS code” and “hosting site.” The internets are a silly place. But they allow us cultural mock as a form of societal shock treatment. So for that, we be grates.

Here’s your links:

In a bizarre form of cross-culture pollination of poo, Ed Hardy style is now influencing cowboy hats. Up next: Limited edition Ed Hardy Hitler Youth Swastikas.

Little children reenact The Jersey Shore. Hmm… maybe we should do a ‘bagling episode next season on Is She Really Going Out With Him?

2008 Douchiest Athlete of the Year winner, kicker Jeff Reed, douches it up with former President Bush. Later, they Jagerbombed Iraq.

Hall & Oates on SCTV in “Chariots of Eggs.” Bizarre early 80s comedy genius.

Zoobooks!

Random sites continue to rip me off in strange ways. “This entry was filed under ‘baseball'”?

Mattel adds to it’s Barbie line with its latest, Douche Ken. Or perhaps Liberace Gay Ken? Or is that redundant.

The Stackhousian poetry of “Get Some” continues to spread like a viral douche plague mating call.

Hall of Hott legend Veronica, whom the DB1 can personally certify as quality suckle thigh, gets posterized.

Korean Man Marries Pillow. In a related story, I groped a cushion.

Okay.

You’ve been very patient with the site transition. For all of your hard work, here ya go. Spend it wisely:

Mirror Pear.

Go forth, kids. Go forth and mock in the grandest of the Oscar Wilde, Lenny Bruce and George Carlin traditions.

Billy Twatwaffle Says: “Oi Mate! The Site’s Still in Progress.”

Another week or so before 2.0 launches. In the meantime, apologies again for all the font nuttiness and comments threads problems. The new comments threads will be much easier to navigate.

So while you’re hangin’, have a Stella from Billy Twatwaffle. Who’s from Australia. And wants to show you his Spidey underroos, even in the sitting position.

And feel bad for Lizzie Girl. Who’s sweet. But can get freaky when the moment is right.

And, because I care, even though it’s not quite time for Friday Ass Pear yet, have some Shadow Pear.

Billy Twatwaffle Says: "Oi Mate! The Site's Still in Progress."

Another week or so before 2.0 launches. In the meantime, apologies again for all the font nuttiness and comments threads problems. The new comments threads will be much easier to navigate.

So while you’re hangin’, have a Stella from Billy Twatwaffle. Who’s from Australia. And wants to show you his Spidey underroos, even in the sitting position.

And feel bad for Lizzie Girl. Who’s sweet. But can get freaky when the moment is right.

And, because I care, even though it’s not quite time for Friday Ass Pear yet, have some Shadow Pear.

The Purple Nurples Are Now Fondling Themselves

Mayday!! Mayday!! Someone, anyone in the military who reads HCwDB…

Please. For the love of God, the infant Jebus, and all that is holy to Buddha, Allah, Xenu and Ganesh.

Please. Call in a compressed air strike. Using a mixture of choloroform and laughing gas. It’s the only way to giggle them to death.

Friday Haiku

R.I.P. culture.

short-bus, cross-eyed hott

can you not see/smell the slime?

dirty jerz surrounds

— baglanta

Tanning goo abounds

These four choads smell like bacon

Still…her rack is nice

– Wedgie

Stripey hott gropes bag

Finds nothing in his crotch, so

grabs bottle instead.

— Mr. White

Cross-eyed Jenny’s boobs

Travelling band of meatheads

“Down the shore” carnys

— yahoo scrotius

Monkey dry humping

His ‘bro does not see the hand

that will save us all

— Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

At the funderal

For their bro, they laughed, cried, drank

Then gang banged his ex

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Barbie likes seafood

So her bro threw another

Shrimp on the Barbie

— saulgoode42

Word Press I.T. team

Big Rage in Cabo spending

Db1’s payment

— Vin Douchal

No More Holy Zebra Triangle

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Just wondering if I could please have a picture removed that has me in it.

Natasha

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Coincidentally enough, “It’s Only Funny Until Your Poon Ends Up on the Site” is also the working title for my autobiography.

EDIT: Natasha responds:

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Spank-you so much 🙂

If I would haveee known what I said would have ended up on the siteee I would have at least made it clear my ex is a loser dat likes to get pee’d on. lol

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Captain Emo

Proving that 2010 continues to be “The Year of the Hipsterbag,” Captain Emo brings San Franciscan David Eggers reading Valencia Street huevos rancheros irony eating taint and day-glo forarm bands (a key givaway of hipster-to-Jerz connection) to his hott fondling of Poor Maggie May.

Tings ain’t de same since ye came ‘ver frum Ireland, ayre they, Maggie May?

Okay, fine. Maggie May’s from Yonkers. And her grandparents emigrated from Slovakia. But I just wanted to see if I could do an Irish accent in type. And I couldn’t. So I drink.

The Italian Scallion

Italy.

Home to the finest foods and wines.

Land of some of the greatest art, design, literature and cinema the world has ever had the pleasure to witness as evidence of the human race’s highest achievements.

And then there’s Tony. A pimple on the pants leg of Petrarch. A boil on the back of Balzac. A skin flake off the nutsack of Antonioni.

Poor Sarah. And her Twenty First birthday had started so well earlier in the evening. Little did Sarah know, it would end with Fist Pumping.