Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Alexei Ovechkin Voted

Hockey superstar and renowned international douchepud, Alexei Ovechkin, wanted to stop by with his bitches, his Upside Down Sunglasses, and his Princess Leia ‘muffs and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

While Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn were an avalanche of douche-win in last week’s Weekly, this one’s a tough and equally balanced contest. Three quality fishgoiters. Three sets of tasty ladies. Which will win?

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Supermoobs

Look!! Under his pecs!! It’s a splurge!! It’s a stain!! It’s… Supermoobs!!

The Cassie Sisters are nice real world cuteness. Supermoobs’s friend, Bobbin, is irrelevant.

But can the moobstains take a Weekly?

For sheer innovation, it’s a noteworthy entrant.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny

Our second choice is a classic selection of D.J. Asswipe and sultry party girl experimentation rich girl innocence.

For J.J., his is a hat that doubles as a makeshit outhouse for the Bushmen of the Kalahari during rainy season. Especially for Umke!ko. Who making clicking noises of approval at how well it absorbs even the foulest of waste odors.

For Jenny, confusion and bad choices are aided by too many Comsos. Hers is a quality hottness that ages well into her middle years. Her body is understated but with great academic merit.

But there’s one more:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Snowe Blonde and the Four Dwarts

For our final entrant, meet the Four Dwarts. Skeezy, Pasta, Dopehead and Roofie.

The Four Dwarts are a smorgasboard of classic Vegas Douchepud variation. Like ordering a wine tasting sampler. Except instead of a Shiraz, a Merlot, a Pinot Noir and a Cabernet, you get four variations of the lip herp.

Snowe Blonde has a phenomenal body, but the face is harder to tell, and as such, the power of hottie/douchey wrongness may be diminished in this pic.

Still, if you’re a fan of mocking classic Vegas choadscrote and Snowe Blonde’s fairytail meets with your approval, then this is your definitely a worthy selection.

So them’s your three.

(Dis)honorable mention to Creepyass Carlos’s hot coeds, the vile mess of Douchebags in the Water (not enough hot chickery to run), the “pull up your pants!” ‘bagling lameness of Tommy Pudwack, basebag player Kevin Douchekilis, the “Douche Power” pose of The Powerturd, the spectacle of Vegas Lucifer (not enough hott to make it), and the disturbingly saggy scrotundae of Your Saturday Oldbag. That’s a lot of callbacks, but it was a tough week to cull down to three finalists.

Still, someone’s gotta parse the mock. And that someone is us. So there’s your three.

Pick one that most exemplifies hottie/douchey wrongness and vote for it, as always, in the comments thread.

Don Ed Hardy

Way too long, with a heavy “nod” to HCwDB, but kinda catchy in its own way.

Your Saturday Oldbag

To the Real Housewives of Southern Nantucket, I can only ask one thing:

Is Army Crotch an oldbag? Or does he transcend into a strange kind of folk hero?

Friday Thoughts and Links

Oh, Anita.

How you stand there so calmly in the eye of the storm as four Vegas Shoescrapes circle you like rancid pudding.

Anita. Anita! As these skinny tatt-infested muggies paw your soft boobage, remember this:

You can’t go, the plants’ll die.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Mohawk this guy!

Speaking of cinematic perfection, the greatest three minute sequence of the 1990s: Gutterballs! The Coen Brothers are the masters. The rest are mere filmmakers.

Last week’s Basebaggery incident, in which Douchebag Bo let his girlfriend, Sara, get hit by a foul ball, has brought us one glorious revelation: Sarah is Uberhott. Yes she is.

Oompa Prompa Inflatus!

Insecure Twitter and pathological narcissist, John Mayerbag: Before becoming Guitar Spank Lameness.

Streetfighter 2010: Boston Douchebags Beaten with a Bat. Now with bonus cheering!

Celebrity Orangebags attend the ballet. High Culture never smelled of such poo.

KTLA files this report on Los Angelesian Scrotewankery.

For the nerds among us: Darth Schwarzenegger.

Okay, enough nerdgasms. It’s time to get down to your reward at the end of another quality week of hottie/douchey parse.

And since the last few weeks had some repeat Pear, you deserve not one, not two, but THREE all new servings of Pearfection. And here they is:

Splash Pear. Like a summer’s breeze.

Polished Pear.

And the glories of Step Pear.

For you’ve earned it. Now carry the HCwDB traditions into Friday’s eve with wine, bread, women and song.

D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky

When the last fires of civilization’s implosion burn like glowing coals, and the annihilation of our once mighty empire is complete, I’ll still be there.

To mock D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky’s ridic clownfit.

And hit on Jenny when he’s in the bathroom readjusting his hat.

The Modelbag

Pec reveal, chest shave and carrying a picture around of yourself in a magazine ad.

Add ’em up and Miami Beach just turned in its library card and slapped a penguin.

Licky Lisa’s tongue is playful, but her eyes betray the fear of Yanni music and forceful gropings by the pool at 2am.

Friday Haiku

In Vegas, the beast,
Lucifer’s epiphany:
Just another douche.

Fawk red hair
Fawk devil’s horns
Ming Li wants sushi

— mr.reeve

Rehab Anti-Christ
heard Jebus won a Monthly;
answers the challenge.

— Wheezer

While the Old Bag slept
His friends dyed hair with Kool-Aid
He thought it was rad

— Mr. White

The “Biker Rabbi”
Drives his Hog from shul to shul
Free circumscisions

— Vin Douchal

I never wanted
To ever have a real job
My plan is working.

— Wedgie

Damn, Satan sharted.
Forty-three is the new…douche.
Lucifer don’t wipe.

–Amerigo Vesdouchey

So apparently
Satan’s drink of choice is gin
from water bottle.

— Bag Margera

Tommy Pudwack

Tommy Pudwack rules the ladies of the 12th grade Senior Dance at Westlake.

His parents may be, like, a doctor and a lawyer, but he’s keepin’ it real regardless. Cuz he gots mad game, yo!

Michelle, Maria and Marnie giggle like schoolgirls. Then they have pillowfights and rub each other with peach marmalade.

And on a semi-unrelated note, for the football fans among us, here’s last year’s Brett Favre Douchebag of the Month award writeup. Still applies.

Ask DB1: Tribal Tatt = Autodouche?

—–
DB1,

Best regards,
Fellow Douche Fighter.
—–

I’m not sure what friends you’re hanging out with, FDF, but using tribal tatts to cover up scars from surgery or pregnancy is troubling and vaguely scary.

If you’re not in a tribe, a tribal tatt is autodouche. On its own, with no other ‘bag signifiers, it’s a stage-1 violation.