Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

“Asswipius Douchevegas” In Mid Mating Call

Rare do we witness an act of bleething occuring in the wild, yet here we find an excellent documentation of just such a happenstance.

Observes as the species of “Asswipius Douchevegas” engages in the rare Vegas Pool Bleething. An act of douchery so potent, that only moments later, full Bleeth in the Hott Chick has taken place.

Johnny Dipp

Looks like The Grieco isn’t the only toxic side effect from the 21 Jump Street days.

Mmmm… I’d Gilbert her Grapes and Benny her Joons.

Creepy Vegas Hippie and Cocktail Carrie Voted

Creepy Vegas Hippie and off-duty Cocktail Carrie took time out of their busy schedules of slow and pointless wander to come by and vote in the HCwDB of the Month.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Month

Four finalists enter. Only one couple may be mocked supreme like a royale with cheese.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Stephanie and Suzanne meet The Greasepitz

Orange.

We see it on Celebuholes like The Apprentice Guy.

We see it on politiholes like John Boener.

Wherever we find it, it must be mocked.

And while the Greasepitz may be “Paid to Orange” male strippers, as Kylie discovered, but their probaggery does not excuse their douchewankery.

But are they enough to take the prize? Does their uberdouche in presence of the innocent lady hotts raise the cackles of a societal plague enough to win? We have three more to go:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #: Billy Dee Willhelm and Champagne Katie

The tasty compact drinkable hottness of Champagne Katie set off what the kids call a “kerfuffle” on the site a few weeks back, when Katie threatened legal action against HCwDB.

Thankfully, reader Oliver Wendell Douche, a real lawyer in Austin, Texas, agreed to take up our cause.

That legal threat prompted a number of ‘bag hunters to track down Champagne Katie on Facebook and flirt with her.

But that is all backstory. Addendum. We must judge only by what we see: the visual power of Billly Dee Willhelm’s greasy “smoove” ways, and Katie’s uberpoppin bazoombas.

Can they win the Monthly? That, we shall see.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Toxic Terry and Angelica

Toxic Terry brings back the Rockerbag sub-genus of the choadal family.

His is a face that is punchworthy poowhackery.

The fact he may or may not be a z-list one hit wonder “celebrity” in our age where anyone who ever did anything, or even thought about doing anything, is some Warholian slice off the fame machine.

No dice, Rockerscrape.

You are turdalicious.

And tasty Angelica offers a nice and reassuring slice of mama boobie pie. For hers is the understated pooch slap thigh lickle. Hers are the curves that age well, into the 40s with firmness and taut bounce. Like a racehorse. A shtuppable racehorse.

That’s been peed in.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Smarm Candy and Patty

Smarm Candy harkons back to the halcyon days of mock on the site, 2008-ish, when puds like this were still haunting the collective zeitgeist like a puddly ass pimple of pre-squirable cultural goo shmeg.

But here’s the rub.

All our mock, in both televisual realm and here, and this pud is still rubbing up on Patty and then telling her to go buy him a Jager at the bar so he can talk to his bros.

So for that, he is crapustule.

But they are only #4 of four.

Which of these four rises to the top (bottom) enough to call themselves HCwDB of the Month and earn a slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards?

I put it to you, Greg.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Axe Bodyspray: Fancy Commercials, Still Douchey

One of the seven charter members of the Douchoindustrial Complex, Axe Bodyspray, tries to use humor to stay alive in a challenging economic climate.

Your Saturday “Caption This Pic”

“…until faux do you part.”

Friday Thoughts and Links

Fishmouth Frankie may not know much. But he does know this: Popsicles pwn creamsicles.

Oh sweet Danielle. How your Mayan Eye of Coitus bespeaks a pumpkin sunrise of tangerine candy corns and buttslappy slap.

Yup. No idea what I’m saying any more.

Your humble narrator has been called up the bigs. From semi-professional alcholism to pro.

And I have only the tasty goodness of HoHo Snack Cakes to thank.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: “I am at this moment writing a lengthy indictment against our century. When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.”

Some Brazilian soccer star I’ve never heard of named “Ronaldhino” douches it up with the hotties while watching Carnivale. And Ed Hardy hits South America like a plague of frogs.

In honor of our upcoming St. Patty’s Day: Leprechaun Rap. Not actually good. But very Leprechauny.

Political blogger Josh Marshall discovers his four year old is a douche.

You remember Cowboy Curtis from PeeWee’s Playhouse in your nostalgic memories of childhood. But do you remember who played Cowboy Curtis? Neo means one.

Christopher Walken reads The Three Little Pigs. And all is right with the universe.

In science news: Reading HCwDB 10 minutes a day will help prolong your life.

But you are not here to find help prolonging your life. You are here for pear. Here ya go:

SuElyn Pear.

Sue Ellyn Pear? SueElyn? Does it matter? It is pear. And pear is gnaw.

Ask DB1: The Librarian Conundrum

Master Pee (in your Butt) writes in with an excellent query:

—–
I wholeheartedly agree with your penchant for placing the elusive Librarian Hott upon a pedestal. Yet, their presence on HCwDB has caused a categorical quandary for me. I look to your philosophical prowess to help define certain categories so that my mind might be at ease.

With regard,
Master Pee (in your Butt)
—–

Excellent question, Master Pee (in my Butt). The answer is an important parsing of the distinction of the Douchadox, the moment at which hott and Bleeth collide in a ‘bag hunters mind as a sort of spectral paradox.

Here, when Hipster Bleeth acquires the attributes of Librarian Hott, she is instantly forgiven her annoying trendoid ways, and pooching of the belly begins in earnest. This is not intellectually justifiable under ‘Bag Hunter bylaws. But it is an inevitable shortcoming of the lizard brain of the human condition.

Friday Haiku

Rocket Man gets old,
Gaybag exemption granted,
Near Celebupear.

Kim Kardashian.
Rich and famous. Should have been
Nothing but fluffer.

-The Reverend Chad Kroeger

And someone saved my
life tonight…with her sex tape
and her giant butt.

-Mr. White

Hear “The Bitch is Back”?
Well he ain’t singin’ it, Son.
He just mumbled it.

-Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Saturday night may
be all right for fightin’, but
not with Father Time.

-Wheezer

Pear molded from clay
Like the Kabbal’s great Golem
Elton squeaks bean fart

-Vin Douchal

Kim loves Elton John
Her dad says he was cool. John
thinks she’s a waitress.

-Mr. Scrotato Head

Who Wears Short Shorts?

Douches wear short shorts!

Kelly’s body, enhanced by nature and abs workout DVDs is a glorious apple tree of poochable natural incongruity, and whilst I ponder the genetic variances and impossibilities of evolution, I crack hump a tree stump, then dance the watusi sadly.