Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Chernobros Stare At You

Bug Sunglasses and tri-level facial pubes just nadsacked the baby Jesus with a wetnap.

These two nuclear meltdowns of douchebroery are all that is wrong in Bethlehem.

Meanwhile, Cathy bronzes away the inevitable as long as she can.

And society weeps.

Time for Malomars.

Poppa Squatter and Tendon Tina Laugh at the HCwDB of the Week

Fast developing HCwDB legends and already flushed Closet of Poo inductees, Poppa Squatter and Tendon Tina, mock the real world reality of our HCwDB of the Week winning couple.

Not orange enough, Poppa Squatter?

Poppa Squatter: Nooooooooooo!!!!!

Why does your voice sound like a helium afflicted David Schwimmer, Poppa Squatter?

Poppa Squatter: Stopppppp insulting meeeeeeee!!!!

But you’re orange, douchey and orange.

Poppa Squatter: This is true. I blame my Nana.

Your grandmother?

Poppa Squatter: My banana.

HCwDB of the Week: Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle

Last week saw visits from the odious Poppa Squatter. The innovation of “Strip Rafting.” The near-winners, the coupling that I probably should’ve given the award to, Keys McKugel and Slutty Shana.And the eurotankery of Aging Andy Pointing out the Obvious. Moob shirts still suck.

We even had Lil’ Skippy and Lil’ Pepe. I love that guy.

But here’s the thing: Wankus McHannibul also appeared pulling spectral rural tri-hotts in Wankus McHannibul Shaves His Groin.

THat’s two cuts of bald headed clownbaggery and some quality paid-to-pose entertainment pear slices.

Performative polebaggery in presence of pear munch takes the proverbial cake. SO while the clear paid to pose douchocracy of this coupling almost disqualified the mockage, in the end the hottie/douchey clownwankery was too much to ignore.

Not sure how well they’ll do in the Monthly against Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate.

Chalk ’em, Dano. And your humble narrator for Trader Joes instant oatmeal.

South America’s “Lil’ Wang” Makes a Music Video!

Good for you, Lil’ Wang!

Creativity is fun!

Comment of the Week: The Reverend Chad Kroeger

The Honorable Reverend wins the covered HCwDB Comment of the Week with this exasperated diatribe in response to Wankus McHannibull’s tri-hott macking.

———-
I have to give him a pass because things are working out just as he had planned. Cigar is the deal maker for me. If I could get an ugly tat, shave my head, light a cigar and clench these little mounds of legal sex chimps then I would get an ugly tat. If I wasn’t married and had kids and getting old and falling apart heart conditions and drunk and stoned and shit. I gots a congregation to lead that would enjoy the three Schtroumphettes above as part of my patented Trouser Choir Trio.
.
And I pity the fool that doesn’t dig these chicks.
.
Ace
———

Friday Thoughts and Links

Oh, Skippy.

How happy you are, with your 10 Degree Yankee Hat Tilt and your awkard sideways peace sign.

You are a mere ‘bagling. And so we throw you back, even as we know you’ll eventually morph into wigga poo.

It’s Friday. And I virtually slap the bebe with a fly swatter. As another week has passed.

Here’s your links:

Your Existential, perhaps Nihilistic, HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, to fish to fowl, to fowl to frog, to frog to mammal, the mammal to monkey, to monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori, ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday”

New York Gold Diggers and aging Wall Street Assbags get organized.

The great Siskel & Ebert debate who’s funnier Woody Allen or Mel Brooks, from back in 1980. The correct answer, in terms of pure comedy, is Mel Brooks.

Here’s a rare and important posthumous video of a conversation between the late “Zyzz,” aka Mecha Hineyho, and his brother Chestbrah recorded in the days before Zyzz’s passing. An important artifact for posterity’s sake.

You mirin jaw brah?

Douchebags are so bad for branding these days that Abercrombie & Fitch offers to pay “The Situation” to stop wearing their brand.

And yet more signs we might be winning the war: A newly opened downtown L.A. club bans Ed Hardy. From the article: It’s a place where downtown’s business community, its nocturnal visitors and its residents coexist, where the atmosphere is casual and the dress code is free — with one exception. “No Ed Hardy,” Perch co-creator Coly Den Haan says with a smile, referring to the gaudy tattoo-inspired T-shirts created by Christian Audigier.

Two bros spend their Sunday morning Bollywood Style. Full nottabag passes for hilarious college buffoonery.

But you are not here for Bros.

You are here for Pear. And you’ve earned this one, named for the cinematographers in our midst:

Shallow Depth of Field Pear

Mmmm… I have flashbacks to ‘Nam. Assnam.

Go forth and imbibe. Your work is done.

Aging Andy Points Out the Obvious

Shaved pecs, moob shirts and bothering confused Nordic Scandanavian transfer students is no way to go through life, son.

Friday Haiku

“I use Magnums, girls…”
Later they found that he meant
Butt plugs, not condoms.

or:

Jack proudly displays
His daily ampule full of
Horse and mule steroids.

*UPDATE* – See? DarkSock’s failure and procrastination pay off, as usual. Behold the bounty of 5-7-5 Snark:

Magnum goes full Kahn.
Sommelier to the sluts.
I’ll take seven Bra.

— Reverend Chad Kroeger

Not to be outdone,
Dewey’s steroid enhancements,
Compete with Fay’s cans.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Vic has a tough choice:
Giant bottle or huge cans
Right chick needs a shave

— saulgoode42

That is how much booze
It would take me to have sex
With him. All of it.

— I give up

Magnum of Cristal
Compensates for one small peen
Dom Perignon weeps

— Choad The Douche Sprocket

Napolean Bone
Overcompensates for peen
“Gimme the big one!”

— Douche Wayne

Here’s the wine cellar
Deep in Mr. White’s basement –
Drink up, you douchebag.

— Medusa Oblongata

Bottle service
means Something very different
To gay porn star here

— Jacques Doucheteau

The midget vintner
Shows babes ” The Roid Rage” pinot
Crushed grapes between legs

— Cool Hand Douche

Big Heaving Bosoms
Narcissism on Display
There Are Girls Here, Too

— DoucheyWallnuts

Jack Lalanne becomes
reincarnated as douche.
Fuccen juicer works?

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Katie smiles and says,
It will take a more booze than that
Til you flick my bean

— Dude McCrudeshoes

Nipple nipple nip
Nipple nipple nip Nipple…….
nip nipple nipple

— McWhatadouche

One out of the three,
Can deep throat the whole bottle,
Hint: It’s not the blondes

— Condouchious

My dream tale would read:
“Bottle cracked over ‘bag’s head;
‘blondes’ strip, bathe, wrestle.”

— Wheezer

X-Games 2012: “Strip Rafting”

Say what you will, but it’s rather innovative in its own way.

Keys McCugel Says “Wuddup?” But Not “Wuddup, Yo?”

Either that or Keys has a strange form of hand palsy that only effects annoying z-list DJ clowns working the Decatur Bar Mitzvah circuit in a tough economy.

Slutty Shana offers the “Maori Tongue of Drunken Woo.” Which isn’t so impressive. In fact, the Maoris grew so bored with it, they moved it to the second tier of tongue gestures, just above the “Tongue of It’s Cold Out” and the “Tongue of Should I Buy This Sweater or Not.”