Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

Your humb narrs is spending the week in NYC on a bit of a melancholic mission.

You see, ever since I was a wee lad at NYU back in the 1990s, I’ve had this rent stabilized apartment in the east village. I lived there in a state of perpetual festivity for many a southern moon.

But, after venturing forth to the city of angels in 2002, and many years and roommates and adventures traveling back and forth between Hollywoodland and reality, it is finally time for me to give my beloved apartment up. And cease the stalking of all east village boobie hottie suckle thighs once and for all.

And so I arrive in humid NYC for a final pack-up of all reminders of DB1’s carousing life back in the dreamland phantasmagoria New York. I sit in the rain and eat raisin challah, and reminisce. Back when the federal budget was balanced, the subway was introducing sweet new technology, and “Sex and the City” inspired a generation of 18-24 year olds to order cosmos and make out with strangers on the street.

What a different world stares at me in NYC today. My hatred for conservatism remains unabated. I experienced 9/11 up close, and then watched a bunch of moronic right wing con-men use it to manipulate the rubes for a decade. What damage to this world a bunch of sexually repressed angry old white men have caused. Throughout world history, if you think about it.

But that is all in the past. Well, sort of. But it is a fairly beautiful Friday on 1st Ave. And so I sit at a coffee shop and oggle aspiring model/actresses walking their tiny yapper dogs on 9th street.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Kindle Book of the Week: “As Mel said to me, he wanted to make a movie that would ‘convert the Jews to Christianity.'”

Ever wonder what a typical day in the Los Angeles life of the DB1 is like?: Robert Blake staring at me by the turkey carving station at Gelson’s.

Speaking of the 90s. When nothing was going on.

CNN covers the Hipster Olympics. To quote Jon Stewart, this… is CNN?

Bleeth runs for the Senate. It’s like a bad early 00s Reese Witherspoon chick flick, only without a Wilson brother.

For the foodies among us, douche mocking now includes a restaurant offering a douche burger. The $666 price tag is pretty genius.

Jesse Pinkman was once on The Price is Right. Gives new meaning to “Showcase Showdown.”

Even the legendary and forever nottabag Snoop Dogg challenges Rockstar Leniency Rule by calling himself Snoop Lion.

7-11 now has a mashed potato vending machine. And it is awesome.

But you are not here for mashed potato vending machine. You are here for pear. And so here’s some un-NYC pear for you:

Attitude Pear

Attitude that you would put up with. Because you deserve it.

Reader Mail: Harry Palmerbag Laments a Bartender Hott

I received this cryptic email in my in-box this morning:

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I am concerned for the soul of Rockhell, my bikini bartender/hot center of my empty universe. She is a fan if Jersey Shore and douche cilture. I blame society. My soul is wearing thin like an Corono bikini bottom.

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Who knows how many hearts this mysterious “Rockhell” bikini bartender hath broken.

What I do know is that “Corono” bikini bottoms speak to us all. Even those with limited spelling ability.

Friday Haiku

Jules learns a lesson

About dating guys she meets

At Underpasses

Choking fantasy

Goes wrong, throw in the bath salts

Hell of a snuff film.

— Capt. James T. Douche

Bath Salts Magician

Finds his latest assistant.

Makes face disappear.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Bath salts Jesus gives

Sermon on the Towel. Bleeth

sees burning bushes.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Occupy Wall Street

Was too mainstream for these two

Occupy Skid Row

— Douche Wayne

Herpsters

Herpsters.

Still out there.

Still no longer listening to Gotye.

Where's Clownhomies?

Somewhere in this pic of party booble and daddy issues I’ve carefully hidden a lineup of annoying part-time Taco Bell employees who like to make jokes about what’s in the secret sauce.

Look closely.

Can you find them?

Reader Mail: The Captain Returns From Vegas

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Db1

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Some Days I Just Shouldn't Have Gotten Out of Bed

One day, I will punch a baby sloth in the nadsack with a rubber billy club as karmic retribution for the existence of this pic.

That day may never come.

But then again, it might.

Reader Mail: HCwHD

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Dear DB1

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Hot Dog penis jokes are as old as the day is long, and as swung as the shlong is hung. That being said, good work JLC, for as old, swung and schlong hung as hot dog penis jokes are, they still make me titter like a tweener on twitter.

However, there is room for only one top dog. And his name is Nick.

"The Halo of Avalon"

I proclaim this one of my greatest artworks of 2012, and title thee, “The Halo of Avalon.”

My innovative work breaking down the hierarchy of taste culture by using found footage to offer a neo-expressionist critique of medium will continue to revolutionize conceptual critical perspectives on boobies and poo.

I leave the specifities of critical inquiry into the aesthete of the pic to the comments threads. But know that it is, in both formal properties and conceptual thematics, a ground breaking work, and one I will proudly include at my Guggenheim show in 2023.

Reader Mail: Sarah Tags a Carrot

PIC DELETED

Sarah writes in:

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Brett is a personal trainer at Gold’s by day, but when he goes out at night, he loves to wear his pink V neck tshirt all the time. In the first pic he shows his best douchy face. Just to support his douchness, I included his body building pic as well as another from 3 weeks ago with the same pink V neck and another hot chick.

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It is 2012. Pink douche-neck t-shirts are orange ‘roid tanning are both still out there. The battle most certainly continues.