Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY: SLUTTY KISS DEMON

While I applaud much about this costume – the black, the bat wings, the forbidding spikes and the overall demonic motif – I find it not so much inappropriate as just terminally ill-advised. If your boyfriend can maintain an erection while you’re invoking Gene Simmons, your relationship has just become much more complicated.

TRICK OR TREAT WITH VALTREX

Can all–temperature Cheer™ get that lingering smell of bleach and raw shrimp out of Umberto’s shiny, new khakis?

Umberto’s mom is about to find out.

You might want to give that umbrella a spritz, too.

EVERYONE DIES EXCEPT THE VIRGIN

Drawing inspiration from innovations in Ancient Greek warfare, club-going hordes of suckle-worthy giggle hotts have adopted a formation known as “the Bestie Phalanx.” By encircling, cleave in, pear out, a group of four to eight hotts create a revolving formation that constantly has its back to the rest of the crowd, repelling all attempts at fraternization while remaining permeable to complementary drinks.

In this particular instance, the Alpha Bestie is overly proud of her shiny cleavite and has asked the fourth bestie to leave the formation and snap a photo for the faceybook. Her hubris will prove her undoing. Phalanx broken, a doughy, hunchback knobgoblin, its hat too low and its hopes too high, has seized the opportunity to swing its ponderous into their personal space in an attempt to invoke Lo-Han, Dark Avatar of Bathroom Stall Handjobs. If the fourth bestie does not close ranks before the goblin starts reciting Nickelback lyrics, all may well be lost.

When executed properly, the Bestie Phalanx displays an impressive aerial geometry, reminiscent of Gustav Doré’s depictions of the Gates of Heaven in Dante’s Divine Comedy. The main difference being that departed souls rarely make motorboat sounds on their way to the Great Beyond.

IT'S ALIVE!!!!…PROBABLY

Watch this.

Then look at this spindly bleeth’s bolt-ons.

Repeat until one of them starts looking lifelike by comparison.

This could take a while.

UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY: SLUTTY GRINCH

The perfect costume for the bleeth that wants to put the Who in Whore. At least the costume designer had the foresight to add reins.

That pudmunch blindly rutting on top of you might grow three sizes that day, but it will be like he’s stabbing the Innocence of Children with each gritty thrust. Shame on you.

20,000 LEAGUES OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE

Clem, Tucker and Arlo have reason to smile.

While sporting only the most minimal of douche signifiers and some truly tragic hair, they have still managed to gain the company of Nisha, the coveted, flawless Princess Jasmin perfect quasi-Indian princess hot, with eyes like tiger opals and hair like a waterfall spun from midnight.

Even with points off for bedazzling her fingernails, she’s still a 10. Note how she delicately raises her pinky on her flaccid brew of Crystal Light and whatever Grocery Outlet boxed wine Clem found in Nana’s pantry, while subtly and simultaneously lifting Arlo’s clammy hamhock off her supple shoulders. Smooth. Nisha knows that even bridge trolls have feelings, but she is no one’s goat.

And she’ll maintain her composure until she sees the sign on the door behind her. Then, 4:1 odds she loses her shit.

WHERE’S WALDOUCHE: LAKE PLACID EDITION

Hidden amongst these spring break lake sirens so woefully outgunned by their friend in the magenta Hustler bikini, we’ve carefully hidden a Waldouche.

Can you find him before Betty White slaps a blindfold on him and kicks him into the drink?

THE BALLAD OF THUNDERSMIRK MCGEE

Duckface Molly Sims tries to fit in, but her hair betrays her. She pines for a simpler time when featherbacks reigned supreme, and she longs to have a relevant conversation about the dubious merits of replacing Kate Jackson with Shelley Hack.

ThunderSmirk McGee spikes his hair high in an attempt to draw attention away from his freakishly large nostrils. It is not working. There is also no reason to wear suspenders when you’ve already got a white belt with a DG buckle the size of a personal pan pizza.

We don’t need to see it to know it’s there.

Like the very air we breathe.

Or this.

UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY COSTUME OF THE DAY

Ever since 1942, when Veronica Lake’s portrayal of a steamy sorceress in I MARRIED A WITCH released Margaret Hamilton’s hammerlock on witch stereotypes in Hollywood, there has been a subtle shift in the whole zeitgeist of Halloween.

Specifically, that year by year, inch by inch, Halloween costumes for women have become progressively hosebaggier by a factor of (and I’m spitballing here) not less than 2 and not more than 2.5%. This incremental (but compounded) shift was barely noticed during the events of WWII and/or was forgiven as celebrations of key moments in history (such as the immensely popular “Naughty Jonas Salk” costume of 1955), but by the late 1980s, the compounded momentum of this new paradigm had irrevocably altered the way that women between the ages of 14 and 40 perceived Halloween, from a wholesome masquerade intended to keep evil spirits from entering your body, to an overt slutfest with the express purpose of having all sorts of business enter your body.

As an expert on all things tricky and/or treaty, I cannot mourn the old ways. No, I embrace slutty Halloween costumes as the hallmark of progress. But now, with costumes some 390% sluttier than they were in 1942, there are instances where the Whore Train has jumped the Slut Tracks and civilians are in danger. So while you are choosing your slutty costume, please note that it should fall within one of the following categories:

ANIMALS (kitty cat, bear [teddy], ladybug)

MONSTERS (witch, zombie, vampire)

POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY (firefighter, cop, priest)

NAUTICAL/MARITIME THEMED (sailor, pirate, mermaid)

JOBS FOR WOMEN (nurse, schoolteacher, cheerleader)

JOBS FOR MEN (construction worker, lumberjack, President)

HISTORICAL FIGURES (Marie Antionette, Harry Truman, Cleopatra)

And while there are many, many examples of perfectly fine slutty costumes that defy these seven categories, there are many more examples of costumes that should not be tolerated in a polite society, and should never gone beyond being a bad joke in the costume company’s break room. Over the next week, we are going to look at a few of these.

Unnecessarily Slutty Costume Of The Day #1: SLUTTY OLIVE OYL

Turning cartoon characters into slutty costumes has an innate creep factor to it that no amount of ironic intent should be able to balance. Although admittedly, if the real Olive Oyl looked anything like this, I could at least start to understand why those two sailors were constantly beating the shit out of each other over her.

Still, failure. If you’re old enough to appreciate who Olive Oyl is, you’re too old to wear this outfit. Slutty costumes are a privilege, not a right.

THE THONG FROM ANOTHER WORLD

Mongor confused.

Ass say “got ass?”.

Why ass say that? Ass know it ass.

Ass right there.

Ass not even hiding. Ass right THERE!

So much ass. RIGHT THERE!

Cliché tautological commercial parody hurt Mongor’s headplace.

Ass dumb.

Dumb ass.