Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

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In case you missed the link on Friday, here’s the latest in douche couture.

Your Saturday Migraine Crotch Punch

This pic of Joe The Inflascrote cuddling with Party Girl Thigh Fondle Kaylie is enough to make a tiger spew.

In a related story, “Tiger Spew” was also the working title for Ernest Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises.”

Friday Thoughts and Links

The Melon Checker knows what’s up.

And what’s up is that those melons ain’t gonna check themselves.

Certainly not with the FDA in upheaval after the shutdown.

Why, who knows what insidious boob flu might sneak through customs without the yeomanlike work of boobal inspections as performed by The Melon Checker?

So next time you see a Melon Checker, don’t be afraid!

Reach out! Come on! Melon Checkers are people too! Well, maybe not. But you get what I mean.

Hug a douche!

Here’s yer links:

Your HCwDB Buy Some Shit and Support the Site Link of the Week: What to get when Lumburgh steals your stapler.

This human being sucks. Truth. 100% truth.

Your humb narrs did an interview with the HCwDB supporters over on the Girls Gone Wild blog.

You might be a doucheneck if…

Larry King is an oldbag. But you knew that.

When the douches get lazy, then only lazy people will be douchebags. Or something.

If you haven’t seen The Room, Tommy Wiseau’s sublime 2003 piece of cinematic performance art, this book will help you understand the genius at work.

Noted Hollywood douchebag Russell Brand is a blathering idiot who spews word salad enough to fool the masses into thinking he’s some sort of Dionysian intellectual rebel. I have far more respect for Hollywood bimbos who understand the shallow depths of their own limitations. Know thyself, Russell. You ain’t an intellectua.

In Mexico, thug life echoes American douchebaggery. No surprise. It is a global plague, after all.

Hollywood’s secret sex parties. The only one I was invited to involved a lingerie clad Kathy Bates and a vat of Crisco in a bathroom at a motel off Sunset and Hyperion. Good times.

Okay. You been good. Here’s your pear:

Pear Jazzle

No I don’t know what it means either.

Friday Haiku

The new sci-fi hit Star Trans, with Terry FlatChest And Gaylord McVest

Terry the Drag Queen

tries out his new character

he/she Shannon Tweed.

— Douche Wayne

Jeff Gordon’s little

Brother comes out of closet

Far enough for both.

— UFO Destroyers

Terry sees himself

As a Pirate! His first move’s

To score sunken chest

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

The penis is tucked

Since the gyroscope was put

In “her” Monkey Hole.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Spock will change mind on

wanting pon farr after he

sees these two morons.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

In space nobody

Can hear you scream or runs out

Of hair gel or moussé

— DoucheyWallnuts

Pink is the new blond

In outer space

No one grows boobies

— Dr Magnifico

Her eyes say mystique

His say rather be working

men’s room glory hole

— Magnum Douche P.I.

Nepos.

Moulie The Trumpet Snags Groupie Party Rachel, Earns a Nottadouche

Moulie the Trumpet is clearly a performer, is coming off stage, and seems relatively reasonable despite the Elvis thing. So Moulie thus qualifies for the rockstar/performer leniency and earns a hearty nottadouche and goinpeace.

Performer leniency is a rare dispensation granted when peacocking attire is in service of stage or theatrical spectacle and therefore is not an organic byproduct of douchal scrotal tendencies.

So go in peace, Moulie The Trumpet. Enjoy the spoils of your musicianship, as Groupie Party Rachel appears to be Mupets-era Bernadette Peters hott.

Ties McJohnson and Amazon Kelly Vote for Gynochin

After deep consideration, and extensive use of Boolean field mathematics, Ties McJohnson and Amazon Kelly cast their votes.

And whaddaya know?

It was a tie.

Thank you.

I will be here all week.

Sample the meat specialty on the menu.

And be sure to leave a gratuity for your servant class assistant.

Gynochin Returns!

HCwDB legend and 2011 Douchebag of the Year Gynochin.

Still out there.

Still with douche-chin.

Still dressing up to impress Kathy Hott with his fertile gum lines.

Mayhap the Gynochin makes our hallowed Hall of Scrote?

The hot chick of Rhea speaks for her cuddle bottom. And the run of doucheyness near incredibly sexy hot chicks speaks for itself.

And then there’s this.

What say you?

Benzino Takes a Break From Being a Heaping Asspimple

Sure it looks effortless.

But being a Heaping Asspimple in presence of sexy superhotties takes hard work, dedication to craft, and a commitment to superlative scrotewankery.

Every so often, a ‘bag legend deserves a break.

A chance to unwind, acting only as an average choadmunch would.

To paraphrase some forgotten Lilith Fair singer-songwriter of the musically deadened 1990s, What if Douchebag Was One of Us? If you will.

And so Benzino carries on, ever onward, until, like Coleridge once waxed poetic, the dead seagull falls.

Are You Going to Scarborough Fairy?

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and Ties.

Ties McJohnson Hits on Amazon Kelly

Pop Quiz: Name the brand of bodyspray that Ties McJohnson likes to apply before:

a) the sexy times

b) His 12am-8am shift working the grease fryer at the Fry Shack

c) asking his parents for some bro time spending cash

d) family counseling services

e) bed

Bonus points: Find the broken peen carefully hidden in Ties McJohnson’s spandex shorts