Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Old Spice Viral Ad Campaign Goes Full HCwDB

Old Spice, in the process of using ads to usher in a generational rebranding process through the power of ironic humor, has put out with the following fake viral websites:

Flavor Your Soul Patch
Illegal Neck Workout Machine
100 Percent Solid Gold Headset
100 Percent Black Leather Sheets
Cologne With Real Protein In It
Executive Spray Tan Parties
The Push Up Muscle Shirt
Brodos: Live Inside a Condo Inside a Gym
Bargain Tattoos of America

I’m not gonna link to all of these ads because, well, they’re ads. And I ain’t getting paid to promote stuff that riffs off the very mock I helped to develop.

But it is always good to see the humor of the mock we developed here carry into new forms on the interwebs. So for mocking the ‘bag, props to Old Spice. Even if it is in service of selling more overpriced product.

Doug Gets Crazy With Paola In Brazil

Is this the one where Doug winds up with a missing kidney or the one where Prince Harry fondles a Nazi real doll?

I always get my urban legends confused.

How to Mock Herpsters

This.

Sure it may be an ad for jeans. But the mock is postiviely HCwDBian (pronounced: “huhcwidibian”)

The Gorilla Responds

Last week Gamecockbag wrote in with a lament about his long crush on a bartender hottie who went on to date what he describes as a “gorilla” (pictured here).

Here was Gamecockbag’s initial email:

———
This girl bartended at a bar me and my friends used to frequent.

She has also added a “gorilla” or “juice head” as they call them to go along with her new look.
—————

Well The Gorilla has responded!:

————-
First of all, gamecockbag???? Really? Are you the nutsack of a Carolina Gamecock? Makes this post more understandable.

And because a guy works out and builds muscle, he is automatically a juice head?? This coming from a probable fat, snow white, lil gamer boy living in his parents garage.
————–

Interestingly enough, “Fat Snow White Lil Gamer Boy” was also the title of a poem by W.H. Auden.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Ah yes.

To Run with the Goose.

When douchewanks purchase overpriced alcohol and hold it in a phallic way to court the laziest and most inebriated of the female herd.

It’s like when bonobo chimps fling poo as part of ritual courting.

Economics can always be explained by the reproductive force. The more we desire to mate, the more rules can be put in place to extract cash through our efforts.

But that’s neither here nor there.

What is both here and there is Evil Yellow Sunball. Evil Yellow Sunball sees all. EYS often discusses the decline of our mating habits with Ubiquitous Red Cup. They concur. We suck.

Here’s yer links:

Your HCwDB buy some shit on Amazon to support the site link of the week: If you’re ever upset about an ex-girlfriend, imagine them like this in forty years.

Guy Fieri, featured here on HCwDB as a douchebag of the month back in 2008, and again in 2009 and as recently as last year, continues to contribute to the scrotation of the planet.

The push-up muscle shirt. For douchebags who want to get there the lazy way. Oh wait, it’s viral marketing. Damn you for stealing my shtick, Old Spice. Here’s another example.

Jews representin’.

But the hillbillies still hate us.

Best thing I’ve read all month: Grantland’s oral history of Swingers. Phenomenal.

Hungover? This doctor will flush you.

Be careful, part-time douchebags. The internets is watching.

The increasingly impressive Vice produces some genius local news headlines. It’s like Jay Leno’s headlines, only funny.

Okay, ’nuff of that, lets get to the tautness:

Laundrypear

It’s like doing a wash. Of your brain! Brainwash! Because you now lack the ability to think! Ha… heh.. heh.. okay, I go now.

Friday Haiku

Gurn really liked Pam,
But her chest area was
A little pasty.

Pasties for Fester
Since the gyroscope was put
In her Monkey Hole.

– The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Lately Joy has been
Looking a little pasty
Good thing Tim eats paste

– saulgoode42

the stairwell party
always sounds like fun until
fur coat guy shows up.

– Dickie Fingers

Dad of Asian Hott
Has one thing to ask you all…
“Seppuku for me?”

– MC 900 Foot Douchebag

Does fur lined hat match
drapes? Or does her carpet match
his bald cranium?

– Douche Wayne

Medical fact: She
totally has the wrong kind
of Bra allergy.

– Charles Douchewin

Guessing their Christian
Mingle profiles had a few
fibs. Neither cares much.

– Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

It’s so cold outside
Her nipples turned purple-ish
And started to ooze

– DoucheyWallnuts

Confucious has said
Man who serves gal from behind
Gets poo poo platter

– Bag Em Tag Em

Pam has a heart on
In all of the wrong places
Including her butt

– Mr. Scrotato Head

ehcuodouche said…
If his head gets cold.
She can put pasties on it
That will keep me warm

Dolla Bill Juan Follows The Lord

Face tatts.

Like God’s way of saying, “Positive credit rating? No, not you, my child. I have other plans for you. Go unto the strip club and holla with dollas, yo. Only then, will God’s grace shine down on you. And by God’s grace, I mean Grace, working the midnight to eight A.M. shift on a Tuesday.”

Breaking: 10 Year Old Girl Arrested For Wasting America's Time

Long overdue.

Here’s a pic of the arrest.

And this ‘baguette in happier times.

I haven’t been this proud of law enforcement since The Fred “The Dorf” Dorfman tribute back in ’84.

That Greasy Eurodude And Librarian Hott Kelly at a Multicultural White Party

Hells if I remember these two as well.

Alls I know is The Captain and Tennille are divorcing.

So life has no meaning.

Except, of course, for Librarian Hott Kelly’s hint of pokey cleavite.

Wait, didn’t Pokey Cleavite play shortstop for the Dodgers back in the 90s?

Mongor In Love

Rumor has it everyone’s favorite blank-staring chromosome missing creepy-ass zombified party pud has found true love.

To quote the immortal ode to 1960s casual sex, Hair, let the sun shine in.

And by sun, I mean douche hawk.

And by shine, I mean the most awkward kiss since MJ/Lisa Marie.