Hawk
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Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The Garglebag and Nadia
Oh sure, The Garglebag might be busting stupidhead and chin pube fungosity while cozying up to Nadia.
But it’s not like he’s got some garish multicolored body tatt or anything.
Doh.
Friday, September 9, 2011Dragon’s Hair
D.J.s. with stupid hair.
Still out there.
Still willing to play The Black Eyed Peas at your next wedding or Bar Mitzvah to pay the bills in a tough economy.
But at least Kelly and Shelley’s feet and calves are being kept warm and snuggy with the corpses of dead aliens.
Yip yip yip yip yip.
Thursday, August 18, 2011Keys McCugel Says “Wuddup?” But Not “Wuddup, Yo?”
Either that or Keys has a strange form of hand palsy that only effects annoying z-list DJ clowns working the Decatur Bar Mitzvah circuit in a tough economy.
Slutty Shana offers the “Maori Tongue of Drunken Woo.” Which isn’t so impressive. In fact, the Maoris grew so bored with it, they moved it to the second tier of tongue gestures, just above the “Tongue of It’s Cold Out” and the “Tongue of Should I Buy This Sweater or Not.”
Monday, August 8, 2011My Swagger Still Sucks
My Swagger sucked back on September 23rd, 2010.
And it still sucks today.
But in a related story, my abillity to beatbox is unparalleled. I’m talking Fatboys vintage 1987 unparalleled.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011Rusty Grows Up
Into every young boy’s life, there comes a moment of spiritual revelation.
A karmic epiphany as distinctive and unique to each young boy as are the snowflakes that fall uponst a brier patch of dyslexic nuns. Or, as the nuns call them, “flowsnakes.”
For Rusty, as for all boys, this visionary moment of transformation from boy to man will involve boobies, kaleidoscopic bikinis, repetitive dangermous tracks, overpriced bottle service, and a strange series of warts suddenly emerging around the outer base of the penis.
Don’t scratch them, Rusty. That’ll only make them spread.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011Phlippy Does the “White Man’s Overbite”
But if you ever want to impale a sparrow, mid flight, just toss Phlippy in a field and have him nod.
Carly may not be A List stomach pooch hottness, but any girl willing to wear frilly stuff at the pool gets points via the beer goggle method.
Friday, June 10, 2011Mr. Hawk Does Not Deserve This
In some weird alternate universe of inverted quark spin, a place where Tom Wolfe inspired Masters of the Universe asswipes dominate the financial industries while sporting giant greasy mohawks, Mr. Hawk scores Hottie Heather.
And the space/time continuum collapses into a singularity of suck.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011Emperor Hairoheato
Caught in a cultural crisis between traditional antiquity and the modern technological age, Emperor Hairoheato saw only one solution to guide his follicles into the modern world.
Bombing Stephanie’s Pearl Harbors.
Yup. That’s WW2 jokes for you kids in the back rows.
It was either that or Star Blazers references.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011Fan Pooison Has a Thought
Famed hawkian douchewank, the legendary Fan Pooison, just had a thought.
However, that problem was quickly remedied when the D.J. played Bruno Mars and the girls went “Woo!!” And order was restored to the vast wasteland of Van’s beautiful mind.
Note the classic Mark of the ‘Bag cock-n-balls forehead sheen formation on Van’s head. The Mark tells all.
Thursday, January 6, 2011Fan Pooison
Welllll… it’s a marvelous night for a douchedance, with the hotts up above in your eyes… a fungtabulous douche to give Valtrex, ‘neath the cover of alchy red eyes…
