HCwDB of the Month
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Monday, July 30, 2012
HCwDB of the Month: Kisseus Vomitorious and Margaret
K.V. had a long and inglorious run of ‘hawked makeouts with a variety of quality hotts over the past month. From drunken makeouts with Naughty Nape Nanine to fauxhawk spittle, is there a more egregious example of seal nads punch?
But of this run of club party poo, no pic is more infuriating, or more deserving to be in the Yearly, than this atrocity.
There will be no vote.
So let it be written. So let it be done.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012HCwDB of the Month: Orangudan and Vegas Kim
In the end, there’s no beating orange ‘roided tattpocalypse, whitehead, douche everything, idiocracy in presence of sexy Quartasian Vegas funbouncery.
The voters speak:
Magnum Douche P.I.: Orangudan if only for horrible tatts and the sheer size of his HGH enlarged cranium, but yet there is so much more. Vegas Kim does not appear to be fully bleethed, there is hope for her. If a couple more pictures of these two surface, I do believe they can compete for a 2012 Douchie.
I R A Darth Aggie: I scrolled down, but stopped at Orangudung. He is the clear loser. Vegas Kim is a clear hott. So are the other lovelies in this monthly, but the stench that is Orangudung is over powering.
Dude McCrudeshoes: Orangudan for teaching us that the trapezius bone is connected to the enlarged cranium bone. Remember, kids, keep your body orange and your scalp shiny white. If you don’t look like a creamsicle, you are doing it wrong.
CB Popped: Orangutan is making me want to rip my eyeballs out, and Vegas chick is a sleeper cutie. Orangutan, done.
troy tempest: Orangudan FTL. Eventually, the beer and burgers will get to him, and he’ll have to lay off the roids if he has any hope of keeping his undercarriage hung at a size greater than squirrel. When that happens, he’ll be in with the likes of Cro Bagnon (bless his retarded soul) and then he’ll get a desk job and turn to flab. Oozing into his seersucker suit, a thought will float to the top of the vomit tank that he calls his brain, and it will be “GROOOOO”.
ehcuodouche: Didn’t we learn anything from Barry Bonds?
Hermit: His oily skin exudes a constant trickle of horse steroids, insecurity and Bud Lite Lime, staining his nylon shorts and coagulating between his wrist and watchband. He will fight a lifetime losing battle with STD’s and sagging breasts.
Charles Douchewin: The Orangudan has distorted reality, (and Kim) around himself – much like space-time – to become tough to look at, and even tougher to comprehend. Does that tattoo say compost?
It was an orangeslide, but The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah did get some support:
Et tu, Douche?: he Bishop and Homegrown Hannah’s B( . )( . )B’s FTW. And by for the win I mean those jugs have fun written all over them preferably with my man spackle.
Douche Springsteen: I’m a big fan of the Girl Next Door With Huge Cans thing.
John Largeman’s Cheeseburger: I just noticed in the The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah pic that the sign in the background says Pearl. I bet those glorious TaTas would look good with a long dangling Pearl Necklace.
The mockworthy Aqua Vulva and A+ level hott British Sexy Sophia didn’t get too many votes, nor did The Voguegina and Furry Amanda. Both are toxic HCwDB, but when competing with funbags or Orangeturd, it t’was no compete a’tall. I’m talking British. I don’t know why. Lets let Capt. James T. Douche take us home:
my vote goes to the Orangudan and Vegas Kim, they give you the most douche for your buck. Radioactive/liver failure orange skin, dalmation tattoos, a fuggin’ pterodactyl holding a shield, phrase tat on the gut, semi-roided up frame, aggressive posturing, a wrist watch the size of the clock from Back to The Future, Vegas pool party, refillable cup with watered down overpriced drinks, artificially inflated cans, lower lip skid mark, the list goes on like the digits of Pi.
Monday, May 21, 2012HCwDB of the Month
This is a tough one. Think hard. Drink Night Train. Eat a HoHo. Then bring it.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Aqua Vulva and British Sexy Sophia
Country doucherstars don’t make it that far that often here at HCwDB.
Aqua Vulva is an exception. For his is all that is wretched in the post Blake Shelton universe we call “Can you Dance With a Voice Idol?”
For his is the network spectacle of assface.
Hers are the curvy doe eyes of expensive first dates and overpriced Mai Tais.
Notice the locket necklace and shaved chest, and then punch a ferret in the nadsack.
Stare into British Sexy Sophia’s beckoning blues. Dive into her corneal waters in the hoped-for imagined spheres of alternative universes of global peace and harmony butt slapple.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Bishop and Homegrown Hannah
Chesshead.
Not acceptable.
Welly worthy of collective internet mock.
Homegrowns.
Purity of suckle thigh.
Curvature of Pi’s non-recurring integers.
Together, they make festidity.
And don’t miss Hitler Chin.
Hitler Chin, lades and gentlemen.
The point at which masculinity crashed into fascist signifiers of the 1930s appropriated from silent film actors of the 1920s.
And Harry Langdon danced.
That previous sentence doesn’t really have any meaning. I just like Harry Langdon. He’s like a man baby.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Orangudan and Vegas Kim
Vegas died a death at the altar of orangeness.
Rat Pack style gave way to garish monstrocity.
The desert dream of Bugsy Siegel collapsed in the fetid stench of Hard Rock pools at 2am with dirty towels, cigarette butts, and fowl spilled plastic martini glasses.
And from the ashes rose Orangudan.
The collective id monster of all that is unholy in Douche Mecca.
With Vegas Kim by her side, the two unleash a torrent of poo uponst our culture.
Together, they make 7.25 an hour.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Voguegina and Furry Amanda
Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it… douche!
Heh. This guy sucks. And them’s two mores naturals for the trophy shelf.
I’m outta euphemisms.
It’s your turn.
Tell me which of these four couplings is most foul and unholy, most deserving of winning the HCwDB of the Month?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Thursday, April 19, 2012HCwDB of the Month: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
This wasn’t a vote so much as a coronation. And that wasn’t some easy competition. Mickey the Polyp and Savannah were hottie/douchey enough to win a Monthly. So were The Lickwipe and Sexy Poochtickle Trina.
Hells, Enrique and Paid-to-Pose Tammy weren’t no chump change neither.
Between this pic of tattoo cheek and half-lidded disinterest in presence of Purity Suckle Cindy, and the Guggenheim worthy art masterpiece Innocence and Poo Face, we have us a winner (loser).
The readers speak:
Scoopy Douche: Jerkenstein FTW. Cindy for the back seat of my mom’s ‘67 Chrysler Newport, where I would show her the meaning of “box score”.
Douche of Hazzard: I gotta go with Sleepy. I think he is posing like that to show his eyelid tatts. Stupid tattoos, stupid hat, big fat belly and a hot chick. WTF?
Vin Douchal: Worst combo is Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Therefore , they get the vote. And by vote I mean no 9-1-1 call or heimlich when Sleepy chokes on Beef Jerkey. Just a lot of pointing and laughing
FoghornLeghorn: Tough choice this month, but I have to go with Jerkenstein and Cindy. The “Taco God” tattoo on his face pushes him beyond the other douches.
fatness: This one is a matter of extremes…SJ is extremely toxic and Cindy is extremely cute but naive. You just know this evening ended badly with her wandering some dirt road with no memory of the last six hours.
Wheezer: She is everything that is girl-next-door cutie, the one you liked to watch as she’d wash her Dad’s car, help her Mom in the garden, and sit on the school bus laughing and giggling with her friends. She’d always have a nice “Hi” for you when she saw you outside or at school, so you find yourself seething with rage that she’s in any way interested in this rat pizzle.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Gotta go with Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Assclown deliberately did that so he wouldn’t have to get a job, and can sit around and suck on the welfare teat all day. When he’s not dipping into Cindy’s student loan, that is. Where’s a good chainsaw when you need one?
ehcuodouche: There’s no reason on earth to tattoo “Fear God” under your eyeballs unless you want it to be the target for fists.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Sleepy Jerkstein and Cindy. Because she is real world bad-decision making but not so bad that it’s permanent (unless she’s got Hep-C), and because I want to hear Sleepy’s acceptance speech which will no doubt include something like “Mm-umm-mph. Uhhm. C’n I have sum Cheetos w’that? Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn, h’come m’eyelids hurt?”
Charles Nelson Douchely: The only way Sleepy could be any scrotier is if it was a Yankees cap tilted sideways on his empty skull. Sleepy FTW.
A total domination of taint. Lets let Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche take us home:
Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy FTW! Why? THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! He’s like the MacLeod to all the other immortals seen here. They all have their own special skills and weaponry but none is the ultimate match for Sleepy. His face tatts and utter lack of anything even remotely resembling the ability to comprehend that he is considered sentient gives him the the ability to win “The Prize”. All the others are upright, have a facial expression and seem to have the necessary locomotive skills to move unassisted but not Sleepy. No way! Life is WAY over-rated (in his opinion) we’re just all living in his world. AND for that, he wins (loses).
So true. And so tragic. Chalk ’em up for the poo-ly, and me for breakfast cereals of indeterminate origin.
Monday, April 16, 2012HCwDB of the Month
Bring it. Long overdue. Make it count.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Mickey the Polyp and Savannah
Hair grease.
It smells like oyster.
And by oyster I mean rotting fish carcass.
Not butt starfish euphemism.
I have no idea what butt starfish euphemism means.
But if I start a thrash punk dubstep emo acoustic jam band, it will be called “Butt Starfish Euphemism.”
Mickey The Polyp shames Savannah’s ancestors, and so our first finalist in the Monthly is toxic.
And boobs. Glorious, glorious grooooooo.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Lickwipe and Sexy Poochtickle Trina
Stupidface and shiny forehead deserve ubermock.
Mmmm…
Poochtickle Trina.
A taut bubble of slappy spank six dollar rutti tutti breafkast fresh coffee bacon and pancake syrupy caloric gnaw.
Mmmm….
Bodices.
Don’t think of them as 19th Century repressive examples of patriarchy.
Think of them as side-boob pancake makers.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy
The pure tattoorific punchface asshattery of Sleepy Jerkenstein is enough to punch a honeybadger in the nadsack.
Cindy has the pure face and angelic smile of nostalgic recall.
When you’re lying on your deathbed, you think you’ll be thinking about your family? Your kids? Your career? Your parents?
Hells no.
You’ll be thinking about Cindy.
And lets not forget Innocence and Poo Face. Not every day a monthly candidate also make it into an HCwDB at the Guggenheim piece of art.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Enrique and Paid-to-Pose Tammy
Awarded by the glorious ‘Sock, this asshattery and paid-to-pose Asian Hottness is all sorts of toxic in Dubuque.
See-though douche shirt and idiotic red hat are a fairly unique and highly mockworthy combo around these parts.
Tammy changed her name from Shin-Huen after arriving from Hong Kong. As such, she is to be appreciated for the display of viable womb in service of taking money from doucheclowns such as Enrique.
But do they have what it takes to win (lose) the HCwDB of the Month?
Now it’s your turn.
Tell me which of these four couplings deserve to take the prize.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Saturday, March 10, 2012HCwDB of the Month: The Uberbros and Pear Alice
Your humble and busy narrator finally has a moment to tally up the HCwDB of the Month voting. And a close vote it t’was.
After a spirited debate, and be spirited I mean hair product, The Uberbros and Pear Alice barely managed to topple the broborgian Brobot and Curvy Kelly to take the prize and win (lose).
Lets hear from a few voters:
Doucheywallnuts: The Uberbros FTW (Loss!). They are disturbing in a new and unique way, which is tough to do in this day and age. The collection of hair products on the counter and the bleeth’s ass is just icing on the cake.
Jeet Kune Douche: Uberbros and Alice – WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Alice has Teh Silky Smoove Vanilla Flavored Whipped Cream Pear Of Legend. I ABASE MYSELF TO YOU, ALICE. And the Uberbros………. need to be dipped in a vat of honey and tied down over a Fire Ant mound.
Dixierecht: Hard to believe Uberbros go out in public without getting their asses kicked for being so douchey.
Sergeant Poop: Uberbros, because, well, do I even need an explanation?
Nancy Dreuche: my vote goes to the Uberbros for the lack of teamwork and trust displayed in their pic. That shot could have been easily captured with one camera and then forwarded to the other bro allowing said bro to have the use of two functioning hands. In turn he probably would have used that freedom to apply more hair gel instead of grabbing the hott by her hample haunches and giving it to her canine style, but alas that is the way of the modern douche. All style and no sexstance.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: The Uberbros and Pear Alice FTW! Why? There’s quality AND quantity here. We have two, count ‘em TWO douches that are equally vomitrotious in their own right next to what appears to be some sort of angel mistakenly placed between them. Now, I used to work in a grocery store many moons ago and I knows what a fine, ripe pear looks like and what we have here is sure as hell one. They, on the other hand, were what I scraped off the meat room floor every night after the butcher had been dancing in entrails and blood all day. Dichotomy they name is The Uberbros and Pear Alice.
Coming in third was The Scrufwad and Jenny Milkshake, and fourth, but with support, Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott. But for sheer hairassity and buttcurvery, it was an HCwDB douchepocalypse
Lets let Medusa Oblongata take us home
Uberbors. Because I want to uberpunch them in their ubertaints and then dive face-first into her uberass.
There it is. And your humble narrator for home cooked HoHo.
Monday, March 5, 2012HCwDB of the Month
Your second voting round of 2012. Who will join Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah as our next Monthly winning (losing) coupling?
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Brobot and Curvy Kelly
With a run of brobotic stupidity, including consistent douche-stare and the wrong kind of douche stare, Brobot is a new level of choadal cyborg.
Curvy Kelly is real world tasty, the kind who’d get drunk at a party and consider flirting with you by the retro pinball at the Brooklyn loft Williamsberg port wine party.
Brooklyn. Herpsterland.
But I digress.
Can the Brobotic scroteborg take the prize?
We gots threes more to go.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Uberbros and Pear Alice
For sheer spectacle, is there more purity of douche than the Uberbros?
And yes, we have seen them in the past on HCwDB.
But your narrator is far too hung over to keep track of these things after 7000 posts.
So lets call ’em the Uberbros. And mock onward until dawn.
Pear Alice is also purity of fruit chomp.
Together, theirs is a toxic Miami stench.
Purity of Pear should never face hair that douchey.
And by face, I mean face.
At 2am. In a Burger King bathroom.
Moving on.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott
Head.
Large head.
Douchey head.
Greasey head.
The Monkees’ Head. (RIP Davy).
Lord Helmet is classic doucheface.
Vespa Hott is high class most expensive first date hottness.
And as such, deserves both lust and residual anger.
Which is an intoxicating combo.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Scruffwad and Jenny Milkshake
Here’s your classic guy-who-beat-you-up-in-high-school ‘bag, along with the taut and tasty Jenny Milkshake.
For real world HC/DB, this is a doozer.
So there’s your four.
On the H.C. side we got Pears and Milkshakes, Expensive Hotts and Curves.
On the D.B. side, Brobots and Uberbros, Heads and Scruffs.
Which cohabit is enough to earn the right to call itself the “HCwDB of the Month?”
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Andrew Breitbart
Most of you have never heard of this shreiking rhesus monkey, nor the intellectual poo he attempts to fling on a daily basis.
And while I try to keep this site apolitical (‘bag hunters of all persuasions are welcome to join the collective douche mocking and hottie oggling), I realized that to call this narcissistic prancing self-hating windup toy of neurotic dysfunction and deep Freudian issues “political,” would be like calling a Kardashian a “thespian.”
This meandering buffoon screams for a living on the teevee, having finally found a profitable way to channel his daddy hatred. Substitute “government” for “Father who didn’t love me enough” and you’ll diagnostic the problem with nary a need to take an intro psych course.
His is the inchoate rage of self-hatred turned outward. A core pathology that informs so much of douchebag culture. Merely substitute fauxhawks and bling for political babble, and sex drive for vicarious power sycophantage, and you’ll have this retched disgrace of yak spittle in a nutshell.
So for yipping like a castrated mule on any media outlet he can find, for his clear chronic masturbation problem and rage at the people who wouldn’t date him in high school, and for clogging the collective media arteries with verbal drivel, I hearby bequeath the moron known as “Breitbart” an honorary “Douchebag of the Month.”
If internet clown Matt Drudge hadn’t taken pity on this solipsistic loser back in the mid 00s, a Carl’s Jr. in Westwood would never have been deprived of its night manager.
Thursday, February 2, 2012HCwDB of the Month: Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah
A date late to tallying the award because the DB1 is hard at work on new show-stuff, but the regs brought A-Game Mock. And The Grovester and SLS barely took the prize.
And lets not forget Grover McP choke-throttling Heather.
The voters speak:
Douchble Helix: My vote is for Grover, who I think has it figured out, and I’m guessing the Rev is voting for Sarah Lawrence Sarah.
DoucheyWallnuts: Grover McPocalypse FTW. Any time a new species is discovered it is noteworthy – like the Pollinating Cricket or Monitor Lizard – and some may say award worthy. Grover McP certainly represents a new species of douchebag. Greater minds than mine can come up with the appropriate moniker, so until then I will call him Douchebag of the Month.
Dude McCrudeshoes: Appearing without a Hott is no obstacle for McPocolypse, who breaks all the rules, including those of nature. McPocolypse FTW.
Mr. Biggs: ’d have to go with Grover, for taking douchery to the next level, and in an innovative direction at that. Such an undiluted display of herpsterbaggery, encouraged and catalyzed by Sarah McPooch, shows us this toxic new form douchebaggery is taking as it poisons our culture in search of poon. It’s toxic couplings like these that are the reason people hate drum circles and Burning Man.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: I vote for Grover McPpocolypse and Mons Pubis and I am a hopeless romantic.
icame isaw idouched: Grover FTW. He’s got that look on his fact because a Yak just took a shit on his shoulder.
It was a pretty solid win for herpsterdouche, even with Sarah’s ‘Baguette tendencies. But what do I know. I thought Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia were gonna win, and they didn’t come close. Tony the Curdle and Butt Pooch Amanda’s classic HCwDB-ery came in a distant second:
Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadouche: Freida Garcia is sublime, but I have to go with Tony the Curdle and Adriana, because she looks a little like my wife. Yay me!
The others got votes, but I’mma need a coffee to keep HTMLing. So lets let the talking puppet that is Troy Tempest take us home:
Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah. Why? Which of the three are you least likely to hire to do anything. The other 3 can pass (barely). Gorver’s still a f#ckin idiot. And Sarah’s skanktastic. She makes my cat sh#t on the bed.
Indeed she does, Troy. But it could also be because you’re feeding Fluffles too much bologna.
Monday, January 30, 2012HCwDB of the Month
What a horrible month for douchelips. Three of our four douche finalists are ducking it up. But at least there’s boobies.
Here’s your contenders:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia
Our first HCwDB pairing of 2012, this rank and festering piddle paddle makes genital warts seem like anal warts.
I have no idea what that means, and yet somehow it is so apropos.
Apropos of what?
Apropos of nothing.
Hey, are apricots apropos of anything?
Okay, I’m getting giddy. Must be Freida’s tasty secretarial skills.
And by secretarial skills, I mean rump curve.
Seriously, has any pic in the history of HCwDB done more with less pear reveal than than hiney slope?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah
Between this hippie herspter tomfoolery, and Grover’s second pic choke-throttling Heather, this is a douche well worth mocking.
Not to mention we haven’t had many of the late 1990s ultimate frisbee playing “Presidents of the United States of America” playing wankfests like Grover here.
No, I don’t love Wilco. Stop asking.
But can Sarah hold up her side of the HCwDB equation?
Is the hott side hott enough to win the Monthly?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Tony the Curdle and Butt Pooch Adriana
Adriana is all that is accented in Lisbon.
She makes tea kettles toot and Persian tree frogs pee on a eucalyptus leaf.
For that, I thank her for her time, and whimper softly back at the bar.
Tony the Curdle is classic pre-Jersey-Shore purity of douchewank. The kind we used to mock around here way back in 2009. When they weren’t yet “ironic” and playful, and still took their “game” seriously.
For that, we must give him proper societal scorn.
This is a potent and sneaky douchal/hottie combo.
But there’s one more to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Blender Barry and Boobster Connie
Perhaps a bit “Dress-up HCwDB”, but for sheer boobal reveal and chaotic stripper/librarian confusion for Connie, this is a prime mockfest.
Blender Barry likes to Shakeweight in his off hours.
He’s thinking of upgrading from eHarmony to Christian Mingle. For the lips aren’t getting him very far in life. But that’s no excuse.
So we mock.
Now it’s up to you.
Which of these four couplings is enough to win the first Monthly of 2012?
If ya don’t vote, then there ain’t mo point in voting. So bring it, while I enjoy some tasty Frosted Flakes.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
