Vegas

    Monday, January 17, 2011

    The Orange Swirl

    Lo! Behold! Whither the brown cow of mooing soul? It is the Southwest, and Juliet has a really bad tan.

    Howst uponst thine hottie/douchey singularity canst you suck s’more?

    Hardy shorts and orange Bleeth do cohabit to form a singularity of Godless ballwash.

    Hark!

    Mine eyes shut in rebellion, yet the image stain lingers.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 13, 2011

    Confusionland with Douchey Juan and Monica

    This pic is surreal, confounding, bizarre and kind of makes me want to huddle up under my bed and wonder if the universe really is infinite, what happens when you go really, really far in one direction. Does it just get dark?

    Yup.

    Belt buckle as a substitute for a bikini top is both genius and Bleethy. On Monica, a quality uberhott that I must gnaw on, it is both boobie celebratory and yet awkwardly constricting and stupid.

    So I’m confused there.

    Then there’s Douchey Juan, who helped me fix my engine trouble at Pep Boys, so I kinda don’t want to mock him too harshly.

    And the lineup of shirtless Meatheads waiting to go into the rock bathroom just perplexes me.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 13, 2011

    The Stay Puft Pantywankers

    Ya know, other than my penchant for alcoholism and tasty Hostess snack cakes, I’m a pretty reasonable guy.

    While I mock douchebags and lust their hotts on a daily basis, I’m willing to overlook some basic stage-1 douchetributes here and there.

    You’re at a desert resort pool area? A little undies poke could happen. It’s possible.

    I can even forgive bad sunglasses. As it’s bright out.

    But when you chin fung it up, bust the Jesus bling, display the stupid tribal tatts, go shirtless but with plaid pants, all while hitting on a tasty trampy Arizona State bachelorette party, you are regurgitated pig feed.

    You deserve all the internet mock I can offer.

    Yeah, you, Burt and Matty. You are pee stain flush scooby scrub.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 11, 2011

    Random Thoughts on the Woo

    Here’s the thing about what motivates the males of our culture to try to achieve fame, fortune and money via the imitation of rock star ethos.

    Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh.

    And, at its core, this motivation is understandable and as it should be.

    If a preachy Robin Williams talks about dead poets wooing women with words in times gone by, the kernel of truth remains the throughline to today’s present status of Douglas Sirkian imitation of life via the online magnification of t-shirt and stupid-hair echo. Via the social networks and twitlonger bonus rounds, the Vegas Doucheclowns imitate the star pinnacle to attract ancillary suckle thigh.

    The motivation is not suspect.

    The culture, however, is. For it has gone rancid, douchal and entirely about overpaying for the ethereal validation that can never, naturally, be had.

    But the boobies are real. And the motivation is real.

    The Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh screams “Woo!” when she wants to be wooed. And the competition to woo, via the woo, is, of course, eventually directed by John Woo.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 6, 2011

    If Kid Rock’s Toejam Grew Consciousness, Assumed Human Form and Went to Vegas on the Next Flight to Hit on French Hotties


    It would look like this.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 6, 2011

    It’s Shark Week on HCwDB!

    Mrs. Kintner: I just found out, that a girl got hit on here last week, and you knew it! You knew there was a douche out there! You knew it was dangerous! But you let people go partying anyway? You knew all those things! But still my girl is hit on by a douche now. And there’s nothing you can do about it. My girl is hit on by a douche. I wanted you to know that.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, January 1, 2011

    The King Says “Happy Douche Year!!”

    Clubwank Bandits are still out there in 2011.

    Still to be mocked.

    While the Vegas Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh stays eternally young in the collective subconscious.

    Happy Happy to all HCwDB readers as your humble narrator gets drunk in Gotham…

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, October 25, 2010

    Coupling After the Douchepocalypse

    There will be little salvagable if the great, coming Douchepocalypse overtakes the world, and we ‘bag fighters lose in our mission quest.

    A world of eternal club techno. Where asswipes with tribal tatts roam shirtless and free, with retro 80s boombox “ironic” bling around their necks.

    Hitting on skanky and long lost former hotties, now far too Bleethy to save.

    Is this a vision of Douchemas future? Or Douchemas that only might be?

    We must fight on, regardless.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, October 15, 2010

    Morty McSwag

    If there’s one thing Morty learned in all his years on the Brooklyn Sanitation Department payroll, it’s that when choosing a tattoo, always make sure you have a matching shirt.

    Shiny Jessica Simpson is either Jessica Simpson or a Jessica Simpson wannabe. Either way, boobs.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, October 14, 2010

    HCwDB on Black Velvet

    Now, for only three easy payments of $19.95, you can own your very own HCwDB oil painting!

    Hanging beautifully over your fireplace, or in your den, this mass produced artwork is a surefire conversation starter. Now you can dazzle your guests with hottie/douchey artwork for years to come!

    And, if you’re one of the next twenty callers, we’ll even through in a free crotch rash! That’s a $9.99 value, your for free, just pay shipping, handling and Valtrex subscription.

    Order now!

    1-888-BAG-ITCH.

    # posted by douchebag1
Older Posts