Reader Mail: European Dancebaggery
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Subject: Euro douche/hott manifesto
Dear DB1,
I am a big Euro Dance music fan for years now and I came across this music video clip. For me it signifies the ultimate Euro-douche-II virus expanding in the European continent, carrying lots of hotts along with it.
This is pretty much how modern European youth looks like. It’s a shame isnt it?
Best & thanks again for your struggle against douches all over the planet,
-Douchifer
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It does exemplify the mutating eurovirus, Douchifer, but I am troubled by your prior history as a Euro Dance music fan.
Modern cultural historians generally classify European Dance Music by articulating two distinct historical periods, B.A. and A.A. (Before Abba and After Abba). And both are considered equally douchey.
Modern douche variations cannot contain the long, bleak history of eurobaggery in dance music.
Your Dad Wears Ripped Jeans
Now he’s just making “Parent/Teacher Party Night” downright awkward.
Where’s Poindouchester?
Somewhere in this lineup of flexible suckle thigh woo giggles from the Dunder Mifflin office party, I’ve carefully hidden a Poindouchester.
Look closely.
Can you find his nerdy/douchey creepy/scary gender ambiguous and cat neutering paradoxical visage?
Martin Expresses His Inner Child to Kelly
Of course, Martin’s inner child also shaves his chest, is orange, wears vests without shirts and Jesus bling, and has a scrotey fungal arm tatt.
Kelly wears the sexiest frilly diapers this side of Milan. And so I fondle her teddy bear and read her stories of scary wolves and crotch itch.
Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Carnival Barker
In honor of this unholy asswipe remaining on my teevee, I thought I’d repost this Reader Mail question, in its entirety, from it’s original appearance on November 24th, 2009:
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Hey db1,
This morning, while pondering the vainglorious pomposity and uber-sonic deuchebaggery that is Donald Trump, I began to wonder: is he not a HCwDB Founding Father?
The pursed lips, the horrific orange comb-over, the trashy-riche persona, and the hots who adore him….
where would deuchebagging be today if it weren’t for Donald Trump? Years, perhaps decades behind the scrotal curve.
Perhaps a new hall, the “DB Founding Fathers,” could restore balance to the universe.
– Scrotald McDoteald
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1980s Trump is definitely one of the Choadal Founding Fathers of the modern ‘bag plague. His garish excesses and narcissistic self-absorption led to the modern club going puds we see attempting to “live large” today.
Trump is a founder of the religion of consumptive narcissism. His soul is as hollow as his hotels are empty. Sure we can make fun of the hair. But even hairless, Trump combs over his psyche to hide the crisis of empathetic absence that rots underneath.
Mister Tie Fighter
What’s the one way to get the hottest retro bombshell at the Kappa Kappa Woo sorority to pose for pic before the summer formal?
You guessed it.
Skinny Tie.
Okay, so maybe Mister Tie Fighter, aka Bantha Fodder, is only a stage-1, maybe a stage-2 hipsterpud.
But it’s early. And I gotta thing for Fawcett hair.
Anagram Hipsterbag Henry’s Tatt
I’ve got: “Realpolitik Viva La France!”
And no, Pamela is no better than Hipsterbag Henry. A douche made in Heaven.
Sharon Tugs Her Skirt, Gerry Tucks his Cig
I’m not sure what’s going on in this pic. We have fine taut female boobie hottie suckle thigh mixed with ducklips.
We’ve got fauxhawk and cig-ear on Gerry, both stage 2 violations.
We’ve got pleather 80s jacket and zombie dance pose.
Meanwhile, Stockbroker Morty chills in the back and sips a Heineken.
I’m confused. Time to microwave a burrito and chew things over.
Bowser the Beachsnake
It’s like those old Frankie Avalon/Annette Funacello beach blanket movies from the 1950s.
Only with less twist dancing and more Valtrex.
Annette Hippie Hott sucks on her lollipop with what Freud calls an oral fixation due to trauma during the oral stage.
In a strange coincidence, Oral Stage was also the name of the first Mormon to set foot in the Adirondacks.
