Billy Dee Villhelm Wants to Hug Champagne Katie
Billy Dee Villhelm would love to give Champagne Katie a hug.
Unfortunately his sweater shrunk in the dryer. And his arms are now as immobile as little Randy Parker.
And yes, Champagne Katie is as hott as she appears.
You may be wondering if it’s a one-off. A single pic that makes her look hotter than she really is.
So for corroborative evidence: Champagne Katie #2.
Holy sweet jebus I just swallowed my tongue, drank some cherry flavored Fresca, and punched a manatee. In his manateeth. Stupid manatee.
FYL
I sense an internet meme coming on…
Oh wait, that’s just my bacon frying.
Mmm… bacon. Tastes like pork chop chicken.
Orange Flush
“And Adonai your G-d saw the orange turds circling abovest the Pacific Ocean.
And the Lord said unto the angel Gabriel, ‘Yo Gabriel, flush that shizz, homie!’ And the heavens and earths shook with the Lord’s words! And angel Gabriel did ‘ere flush the Orange Turds from the face of the earth, as Amalek had been sent asunder into the sea before them.
And The Lord your G-d saw the flush of orange as it went below, and knew that it was douchey.”
— The Book of Face Psalms, 25 or 6:4
Reader Mail: ‘Bag Hunters of Legend
—-
DB1,
Greetings from Canada. Just got married over New Year’s and wanted to share a couple of pics with you.
As a long time fan of your website, and as someone who’s introduced several of my siblings and close buddies to your pointed social commentary, caustic mock and stylistic meanderings, I decided to forgo the usual wedding party presents and instead opted for the gift that keeps on giving. All the groomsmen were pleased with their shiny new
copies of HCwDB the Book.
Keep up the fine work. It’s a lonely struggle, but I’ve got full
confidence you (we) will one day persevere. As the old fable teaches us, at the end of the race, the tortoise gets the Hott and the douchebag hare gets chlamydia. Or something like that.
The Douche of Hazard
——
I am honored, humbled and pleased by your inclusion of my book in your wedding party, TDoH. (gratuitous plug: available on sale right now at Amazon.com).
Therefore, I hereby bestow and knight each member of your wedding party with the following honor: You are each, now and forever, ‘Bag Hunters of Legend.
Go forth untoward the Hotts, and carry on the Mock of all things Scrotal as newly minted knights in our continuing battle on the choadal plague.
Sideways Morton Believes in Sideways Peace
Like Sideways Gandhi and Sideways Martin Luther King before him.
Zebra Tonya has a smile that liberates lions from the shackles of animal kingdom expectations and allows them to purr with impugnity.
Flathead in the Third Dimension
This calls for some sort of physics joke regarding vector hair, dimensionality and taut Russian immigrant hotties suffering the consequences of their naiveté.
So I turn it over to Stephen Hawking:
He is dou-chey be-cause his hair is stu-pid and if I could stand, I would spank both of the hott-ies both spa-tially as well as tem-por-a-lly.
Yup. Stephen Hawking jokes. I need a coffee.
HCwDB of the Week: Stephanie and Suzanne meet the Greasepitz
A vile hottie/douchey cohabit from back on February 1st, this perfectly balanced double dose of scrotal/innocent dialectic is a prime example of the Zen of HCwDB in all its cultural atrocities.
Why?
Because often we see the slutty hotts and the ‘bags, and while the hott may be lustworthy in a douchadox sort of way, they pretty much deserve each other. Thus, no real discourse is generated. As we saw recently with, say, Nunzio’s Abs, Your Saturday Vegas Valtrex Sandwich or Yankee Doodle Doodie.
But here we have Blue Dress Stephanie and White Dress Suzanne. Both ubergnaw. Firm of buttocks and spirit. Two young giggle bobbles just looking to go out and have fun at the clubs.
And here we have the Greasepitz. Groin shave reveal and oiled up abs. Douche faces and douche everythings.
Together, they form the proper wrongness of cultural disgrace that deserves to be highlighted as a Weekly winner.
(Dis)honorable mention to the costumed but still douchey warrior for Reagan-era douchebaggery, Rambro, The shaming of the British Empire with Charles Dickens, the reappearance of Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie as Angry Bert, and the odious and best quickly forgotten (although potential 2011 Douchie Award winning) Speedo Shot First.
And a special, special grope-out to Melanie.
But lets chalk up the the two Emerson costume design majors and the Greasepitz as the first to compete in the next Monthly, and aim to take on our first monthly winner, Gynochin and Rhea, at the 2011 Douchie Awards.
The Mysteries of Life Explained
Courtesy of Doc Bunsen Honeydouche via last week’s threads, if you’ve ever been perplexed by life’s mysteries, by the moral, ethical, psychological and spiritual questions that haunt and plague the human spirit on this mysterious journey we call consciousness, this short clip will explain everything. It all. The whole enchilada in one 52 second clip.
Open your mind.
You are about to achieve total consciousness.
So you got that going for you.
Your Saturday Vegas Valtrex Sandwich
Somewhere, way up in the sky, Frank, Dean and Sammy just choked on an olive pit.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Look, Mummy! There’s a douchebag up in the sky.
As the odious Starhawk continues to fake-party and pretend he’s “lovin’ life” while the repo men reclaim his Lexus in the parking lot, and while Tiny Brunette Beth gives me what the Mayans term “The Eye of Coitus,” your humble narrator scratches himself.
I know what you’re thinking.
What makes this scratching of self different than all other scratching of selves?
For on this scratching of self, I used a rigorous up/down motion. On all other scratching of selves, I use a more languid left/right fondle.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Spearmint or Fruit?”
Check out HCwDB fans and thrash metal band “I Dream of Apocalypse” performing their latest mock of douchebags, Straight Fag. “Wives and girlfriends, drag you to Sears, you sip zinfandel, never chugging a beer” = pure genius.
In China, Alpha Males carry designer purses. The global Grieco Virus continues to spread. We must mock harder.
Bored college girls dress up as librarian nerd hipster hotts. I love them all, equally and with great, if brief, passion.
As the Hottie/Douchey dialectics move from the avant-garde of early HCwDB into mainstream collective reconfigurations of the mapping of popular culture, we will see the conceptual revolution launched here begin to emerge in other institutional frameworks. Witness the following art exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art: The Peacock Male: Exuberance and Extremes in Masculine Dress. As we remap history along Foucauldian interrogations of culture and power, more of this will take place, culminating in the globally acclaimed HCwDB exhibition at the Guggenheim in 2023.
More from the douchebaggization of Canada: At McGill College, Two Bros Seek Third Bro. The Bros ™ plan a lawsuit for copyright infringement.
Sometimes all you need is a heartwarming love story about a man and a stuffed bear/pig lady.
Mediocre New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez hits on a high school girl, makes an early case for 2011 Douchiest Athlete of the Year. Not superdouchey behavior yet, but the year is young. With Jeff Reed out of the league, the field is wide open.
Okay, enough links from the world of masculinity in crisis, lets remember what it is we’re fightin’ for. Since it’s Valentines Day weekend and all, here ya go:
Go forth, fellow travelers on the hottie/douchey path of enlightenment. Another week has passed, and there’s drinking to do.
