Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee Does Not Approve of Billy’s Kissy Lips

Oh sweet Nicole.

I realize the pickings are slim in suburban Wisconsin, especially in the winter months.

But Billy’s Jesus and Mary Chain, plus kissy lips and white hat, stamps a full Stage-3 across his resume.

Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee watches disapprovingly in the distance.

Do not upset Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee.

For you wouldn’t like Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee when he’s angry.

Yup. No idea what I’m writing anymore. Must be Friday.

EDIT: Changed Dundee’s name so as not to confuse with Angry Ernie below.

Angry Ernie and Daisy Mae

Angry Ernie, the spiritual twin to Angry Bert (aka Tendon Ted), does not like you either. He’s wanted in twelve precincts.

And the force is strong with his orange pecs.

Daisy Mae is a tiny little ball of perpetual giggle and vague ambitions to design clothes for her own store. And for that, we buy her free drinks and tell her she’s very talented.

Friday Haiku

Somewhere in Peru,
An Ancient Mayan Chief,
Misses his fish spears.

Hey, what time is it?
Let us check the sundial:
oh, it’s way past fail.

— Wheezer

Time to meet her folks,
Spikes of blond atop his head,
Purple hair, despairs.

— Rockabilly Johnny and the Electric Foreskin Benders

Fair warning, children:
NEVER stick your fingers in
electric outlets.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

He thinks he’s a Smooth
Criminal. She knows that he
cries during Oprah.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Purple and spike hair
For bad 80’s cover band
Club refunds cover

— Vin Douchal

Ask DB1: Meta Ur Reflexive Irony ‘Bags?

—–
DB1,

Yours in opposition to the Taint,
Dan
—–

Good question, Dan. We’ve often talked about performative strategem in service of hott seduction under different rubrics yet still following the same underlying principle.

Think of a kumquat. Would a kumquat be less funny if it was called a pear?

Yes. But it’s still a fruit.

The same goes for douchebag meta-irony.

As we’re seeing more and more of, and as I’ve noted before, in our post Jersey Shore era, the douche has taken on an attempt at winking irony and humorous play to still have free reign to douche it up with impunity.

However, the ‘baguousness is still, underneath, just as toxic as when it was the humor-free seriousness of the “Pickup Artist” era (2005-2008) and the “Douchepocalypse Era” (2008-2009). So long as the mock remains potent, we must try, or the hotts will continue to be lost, even in our Jersey Shore “Metabag” era (2009-present).

Breaking: Congressman Christopher Lee (R-Etard) Resigns for Emailing Douche Pic on Craigslist

Well, the classic ‘bag Camera Phone Bathroom Pose, as seen numerous times on the site, has reached the halls of Congress.

Some married congressional shmoe named Christopher Lee trying to pick up the “ladiez” by emailing douche-pics of his tax cut.

In addition, HCwDB has found an *exclusive* second pic of Congressman Lee not yet released to the general public.

Witness it here.

Yikes.

And because I gotta balance this extremely douche-centric post somehow, enjoy some Tasty Bronzer Pear. Mmm… I’d tea her parties then practice bigotry against her Muslims.

Brillo Frankie Does “The Vegas”

I think it’s high time we standardized the greasy faux’d “tough guy” head-knock of hot chick with upraised arm in sideways boobie point as “The Vegas.”

Sheryl Crow’s hotter, younger sister, Cindy Crow, likes to party. And she’s grateful dad loaned her the money for the, uhm, “enhancements. But she still deserves better.

And by better, I mean me, slathering her lower calf muscles with duck sauce and sprinkled with the shattered dreams of suburban mediocrity and genericism.

Two Generical Pudwacks Buy Kyra a Molson Golden

Oh Kyra.

Your healthy yoga glow calls to me faintly, like a falsetto zebra from bad 70s-era Disney.

How your poor life choices task me like an arthritic leech hanging atwixt my scrotundae.

The Generical Pudwacks tell bad jokes. Their breath smells like refried onions. And the taller one checks Twitter while you’re in the bathroom.

So it is out of a protective sense of love that I hide out in the bushes in back of your dorm room at Colby.

Tell the campus police to let me go. I just want to go home and enjoy a tasty Malomar.

Betsy and Bobby and What Angie Doesn’t Know

Betsy knows she should know better than to date another guy like Bobby.

And her bestie, Angie (not pictured), also knows that Betsy should know better than to date another guy like Bobby.

But Angie doesn’t know that Betsy knows that Angie knows that she should know better than to date another guy like Bobby.

So when Betsy dates a guy like Bobby it’s actually because Angie doesn’t know that Betsy knows that Angie knows that Betsy should know better than to date a guy like Bobby.

And that’s how Betsy got Angie back for borrowing her lip gloss and not returning it at Thirty One Flavors last night.

Parking Lot Frolic: Zionism Style

And on the 8th day, Adonai pumped his fist to bad techno.

I need to recheck the historical record, but I’m fairly sure Theodor Herzl’s First Zionist Conference of 1897 did not contain any direct references to making Aliyah for the purposes of Douche Frolic.

(bonus brief Semitic Librarian Rachel Hottowitz Hottness glimpses at :17 and at 1:48)

Rambro

They sent him on a mission and set him up to fail. The mission involved large fake cans. But they made one mistake. They forgot they were dealing with Rambro.