HCwDB of the Month: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
Taking down even the mighty douchal power of Carla and the Bros ™, not to mention the Vegas Staypuft Pantywankers and creepy theatricality of Ronnie the Rivethead and perfect sucklability of Woo Girl Kelly, this was a Gynochinslide.
Witness the supplimentary academic texts in support of the thesis:
Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose.
The voters speak:
Dude McCrudeshoes: Gynochin must be recognized for his impressive body of work. And Rhea must be recognized for her impressive body.
UFO Destroyers: He makes watches stop when he plays in traffic and she makes angels sing when in her presence.
Wedgie: The Chin for the win. Wolverine’s retarded cousin cannot be ignored.
Antony Scrotus: Gynochin and Rhea FTW. Gyno looks like such a big toolbag. I laughed when I saw him. Rhea is fine beauty. The other trash girls don’t even come close.
The great Bagdini: Gynochin for the win, he personifies the ‘bag without being over the top. And by top i mean ridiculous hair and penis glasses.
Troy Tempest: Gynochin. Because just looking at him puts my brain in stirrups and a speculum in each of my eyes.
shish kebag: I would have raging squirrels run through my pants for hours just to get the chance to massage her body for days, then for her to tell me she prefers my brother!!!
Dude McCrudeshoes: Rhea wants your vote! She also wants to know who snuck all the W’s into her bag of M&M’s.
smackdouche: The others are trying, but it comes naturally for Gyno/Rhea. See what I did there? Gyno/Rhea?
Hermit: According to the ancient Biblical text: “Sampson slew a thousand men with the jaw bone of an ass.” Recently uncovered scrolls, along with the above photographic evidence suggest that Gynochin was the ass who lost his jawbone.
Douchelips: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea FTW! He’s the most original by far. Plus he looks like he spends his life looking down a hairdryer.
Guns-N-Douches: Gynochin brings the chin pubes, the hair, the expression, the sunglasses at night and wears a penis on his nose, so he is douche… but what helps him get to the top of Mount Choadwank is Rhea. Rhea is all that is good in this world, like puppies, rainbows and open bar at a wedding where all the bridesmaids are hot, single and in need for some serious deep dicking.
the douche whisperer: @rhea: why?
soy bomb: I wonder if there’s some physical deformity that Gynochin suffers from that makes it look like he’s gargling ballsac.
Stephanie: I’m developing some severe hate for gynochin. But it’s like a car accident you must look at when you pass by it.
teh_abominable_snowdouche: Excellent spread. But as I scrolled down and saw Gynochin, something inside me faded. Like that fuzzy thing right behind your penis. *sigh* Gynochin FTL.
Douchesquire: Heatmiser Gynochin and Rhea for the win. He fuels the ire as I would stoke a coal furnace to warm the cockels of her heart. And by heart I mean Boobies.
Southern Scrotic: Gonna have to go with the superhott Ubergnaw and Ditchwater Gynochin FTW.
jonezy: Gynochin’s hotts are certainly lust-worthy and very expensive and I think we all hope his “career” as Guy Pearce’s stand-in will lead to many more fruitful nights explaining to his dates exactly what a stand-in does before more intricately explaining why said “career” doesn’t enable him to pay for her portion of the expensive meal they just consumed.
Mr. White: The Rivethead is compelling, but not as compelling as Rhea and her hypno-eyes/hypno-boobs. She’s like a hott version of The Hypnotoad. All hail Hypnotoad!
Well said Mr. Wh… all hail Hypnotoad! (ahem) But the others found their support, with Carla and the Bros ™ coming in second, Ronnie and Kelly third and the Staypuft turds a lonely and distant fourth:
Luis Douchuel: In the end, I have to go with Carla and The Bros, because despite Carla’s blandness, and despite The Bros’ gaybaggery and probaggery tendencies, they have demonstrated true douchiness, that is, douchiness of the mind and of the written word. And isn’t that the root cause of all douche?
I R A Darth Aggie: Carla and The Brows™ FTW. Mostly to piss off Sabio the Sabot, and there are hotter Hotts (like Brunette Rhea and Woo Girl Kelly).
dbBen: “The Bros”. Because they have broken the fourth wall.
MoeDouche: Carla and the Bros FTW. Just to goad them on to come back and make asses of themselves again.
FoghornLeghorn: I’m voting for Carla and the Bros. Sure Gynochin is a fantastic douche and Rhea is… well, Rhea, but the sheer number douches in the Bros out weigh them both. If Carla had somebody look into straightening her cervical vertebrae, I think she could even challenge Rhea.
Choad The Douche Sprocket: Ronnie the Rivethead is all I love about HCwDB… by which I mean I love to look at super hot, perky (Debby Reynolds-in-her-heyday) hotts being humped from behind by barely pubescent pudwacks who keep their underwear on during their aforementioned anal adventures.)
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: It’s gotta be Ronnie. He’s really taken a shot at it. And by shot I mean like the hillbillies shooting at Bugs.
Ronnie’s headwounds and the others all had their shot, but this was the real world hottie/douchey dialectic in full force that trumped performative “pro” ‘baggery and brought back real world punch-face in presence of a hott that we would, as Medusa Oblongata puts it: lick melted butter from between Rhea’s toes.
Their win is impressive. Most impressive. But they are not HCwDB of the Year winners yet.
Chalk up our first coupling to make it to the Yearly. And the DB1 for sugar enhanced Chex.
Angry Bert Doesn’t Like You
Nadja confuses terror with love. Or so her therapist keeps telling her.
But she knows she can change him. She just needs time.
EDIT: Mr. Scrotato Head makes the excellent catch that Angry Bert is indeed a shirted Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie is a clothed Ass Pear Annie. Good work Mr. S.H.
EDIT #2: Readers Wedgie and The Everpresent Anonymous also made the catch. Proving once again that I gotta stop drinking so much and keep better track of previously tagged ‘bags.
Guy Who Looks Over Sunglasses Guy
Guy Who Looks Over Sunglasses Guy has a strategy he likes to employ when tackling the Vegas Gnaw Hotts, especially The Sweet Smile Kimmy Sisters, for photos.
And it is a stage-3 violation. The collar pop of the sunglasses world, as it were.
Take ’em off, Kevin, and get back to work. The fries need more salt.
Reader Mail: We Are Pitiful and Pathetic for Insulting Them
From last week’s Winged Shirts thread:
—–
Why do you guys honestly insult men and women you know nothing about? You’re all just basing your attacks on the assumption that these men are the same guys who beat on you in high school which is actually usually the opposite of what occurs. Typically, the men that are this dedicated to aesthetics were scrawny or overweight during their adolescence and this is their way of overcompensating for the imbalance of the social life in public school.
You people are pitiful and pathetic for insulting them. You’re also most likely envious and let’s not forget that even if half of what they are wearing is “gayer than Elton Jon”, they’re still looked up upon in comparison to you.
— Just an Ordinary Man
—–
Since you’ve provided no spelling errors for me to mock, JaOM, I will only note that anyone who defines narcissistic body display as “aesthetics,” or comes up with lame pseudo-Freudian excuses for pumped up pool-clowns involving theoretical childhood trauma, is a puffed up weenie ween.
Neener neener.
The Ole’ Lick Gesturer
If there’s one thing Sheyen Kim learned in her five years since moving to the States from Korea, it’s that “Contract Killers” keep it real by proving their “gangsta” cred. With bloodstained gun marks on their shorts.
And licky facial gestures while giving backrubs that suggest they are cunning linguists.
Because that’s how Vegas Gangstas role. As far as Sheyen Kim knows.
Speedo Shot First
Somewhere, a long way across oceans of time and space and sands of golden nuggets… way past the fjords of dead parakeets and across the planes of rural Huutju…
A lonely bison steps on a lemur.
And it goes “spppppllllleeeeeettttt.”
And at that exact moment, halfway around the world, three Speedo douches converge in Y-Wing formation to crush Kimberly.
It’s all connected.
Cosmic connections.
And murky lakewater that smells like pizza oil and patchouli.
Suburban Long Island is a Scary Place
Lets not go there.
No, not even to save the poor Shy Jenn Triplets from their older sister’s BFF’s ex-boyfriend, Fabrizio.
We will have to collective pooch each of their firm and virtuous pooty putters with rubber frogs and a spitoon from afar, and only in theory, not practice.
Four Prong Voted
HCwDB’s own ambiguously gendered douche-hair legend, Four Prong, wanted to drop by with some bemused bros and the scrumptuous potential librarian naughty pooch pooters, The Rachel Sisters, and vote in the HCwDB of the Month.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Month
And now I turn it over to you, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses.
Which of these four toxic hottie/douchey couplings is most deserving to call itself HCwDB of the Month and earn a spot at the 2011 Douchies?
It’s our first Monthly of the year. Here’s your noms:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Ronnie the Rivethead and Woo Girl Kelly
A number of astute regs have talked me out of claiming that Ronnie the Rivethead also showed up as Ronnie the costumed Swami douche, noting discrepencies of pec sag, so this is our only pic to consider for the monthly.
Here we find classic Party Boi clubturd ‘tude.
Mixed in with Woo Girl Kelly’s haunting eyes of ethereal femininity, and the combo is all that is toxic and pooscrape about Poughkeepsie.
Did I mention rivets in his head? Almost five years of HCwDB and this look is a new one. Points for innovation.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Carla and The Bros ™
Carla is pure sexy/porny Vegas trashiness, and The Bros ™ are classic crypto-gay party clowns. Together, they are hottie/douchey distillation.
Adding to their chances in the Monthly, The Bros ™ Comments Thread Whine, followed by Trips to Mexico.
Follow all that up with Carla going out with Guy on the Left Bro ™ for a creepy artificially staged beach picnic, and you’ve got all the combos for a serious shot in the Yearly.
And lets not forget that The Bros ™ are Canadian.
Our neighbors to the north continue to take American douchebaggery and refine it in the worst sorts of ways.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Stay Puft Pantywankers and Assorted Arizona State Slutty Woos
Another Vegas Rehabgasm of screaming douche-face and party piddle, The Pantywankers are all that is greaser in Griecoland.
So what’s holding the Stay Pufts back from being favored in this Monthly contest?
The Assorted Arizona State Slutty Woos.
A significantly unbalanced hottie/douchey dialectic due to the ladies’ dark turn to The Tramp Side. But still gnaw in that regrettable Vegas way.
Still, this is classic Vegas piddle. But enough to win? We have one more coupling in the fight:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
Here’s a case where the purity of the Ubergnaw Tasty Expensive First Date drinkable beauty of the hott carries a punchworthy douche-face from a Weekly finalist to a credible Yearly contender.
But lets not forget Gynochin’s other forays into uberdouche: Gynochin with Perky Peri. And Gynochin bothering Ambiguously Brunette Rhea with Penis Nose.
That’s a quality run.
But is doucheface and douchehair enough to topple Ronnie the Rivethead and Tasty Woo Girl Kelly? The club spectacle of Carla and The Bros ™? And the viral infections of the Stay Puft Panty Wankers?
This is a tough, tough vote.
I do not envy you your task.
But the lineup is set. The hotts and douches are in cohabit.
Which rises to the top (bottom) enough to earn our very first slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards in December?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Synchronized Douche Parking Lot Frolic: Creepy POV Style
Tuesday. 2am.
University of Maryland dorm parking lot.
Today’s youth’s pursuit of higher education and techno shirtlessness continues unabated.
