The Kleenexer’s Best Bro Voted
Looks like The Kleenex ‘Bag is calling in his pro-bros for some support in the HCwDB of the Month.
And trying to turn a brunette party hott into a librarian hott using your hipster glasses violates at least three clauses of NAFTA.
HCwDB of the Month
Only one more HCwDB of the Month left after this one to determine our finalists at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December, and our crowning of this year’s HCwDB of the Year. This is one tough contest. Make it count.
Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Mister Liptatt and Holly
One one singular pic for The Liptatt o ‘Doom and Ms. Holly.
But one pic was all we needed.
With chin pube, ‘bag hand gesture #41, stupid tatt and nuclear goggles they do nothing, Mister Liptatt is all that is semi-employed at The Gap.
Holly’s superlative curves are race-track gnaw.
Together, they order top shelf and bill it to the room.
But enough to win a Monthly? There’s certainly enough signifiers present. But we got threes more to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Kleenexer and Nicola
From the Canadian hinterlands of Toronto comes this hottie/pooey club disaster that Bob and Doug McKenzie would bemoan with a brew.
Check the run of toxic phlegm: run of party douche, Kleencrotch #3, Woody Woodpanel, and The Kleenexer, Nicola and Some Ninny.
Contasting with Liptatt’s southern ass-scrotery, The Kleenexer wipes Nicola with northern club bling and ‘tude, harshing many a kitten’s mellow.
This is classic pro douche. Paid by the sneer. Setting the template for amateurs the world over to follow in hopes of scoring hottie suckle thigh.
But should we vote pro? Or amateur? Next up:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha
Vlad and Natasha’s win/loss was really a two-part flip book of wrongness. First, the pic you see here, and second Licky Nip.
Vlad brings strangely bizarro Eurodouchery to the game. Shirt over head. American Eagle pokey underwear.
And while many have criticized Natasha for being too zaftig of body, I would argue her plumpness is curvy goodness that brings an extra serving of Pear, and should not be easily dismissed.
But can their two pic run of licky nip defeat the pros from Vegas and Toronto?
There’s one more finalist to consider:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Crustie Brothers and Karen and Sue
Oldbags hitting on young PTA divorcees who go by their American names, Karen and Sue.
A development so crappy, Robin Williams and John Travolta just signed on to star in the movie version of the Crustie Brothers on a wild vegas adventure, “Old Shite.”
Yup.
I have no idea what I’m saying.
But what I’m saying is not important.
What is important is your vote. Which of these four slices of tardy/nuzzle deserve Monthly status and a slot in the 2010 HCwDB of the Year at the Douchie Awards in December?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
HCwDB: The Porn Parody
This site’s pop culture impact is complete when the porn industry is doing quasi-HCwDB adult film parodies.
“There’s Dane Cook!” for the glorious win.
(clip is work-safe)
Is She Really Going Out With Him? (Season Three)
Check it.
Starts November 1st on MTV.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Ah yes, the marking of one’s forearm to announce identity and impress the Blondie Hotts.
D.J. culture. Where turning on iPods while standing on a dais earns $1,500 a night.
And so we announce with pride in permanent ink that which is culturally transitory and ephemeral.
Hence, “DJ the Saint.”
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: How’s your wife and my kids?
Darth Maul wears Affliction. Call it the Jedi ‘Bag Trick.
Ubiquitous Red Cups, following the Axe Bodyspray and Jersey Shore self-aware douchebaggery strategy, find new ways to market themselves. And set up a Facebook thing.
Harry Potter Groin Un-Shave Reveal. Should I go for the obvious?… I supposed I should… More like “Hairy Putter!” I hate myself.
Ya gotta sit through a few commercials first, but this episode of “Bones” on Hulu, entitled “The Maggots in the Meathead,” does a beautiful job mocking douchebag (look for the Jesus Bling in the opening sequence and a brilliant ‘bag takedown at 5:25-7:25).
More signs we’re losing the war: “The Situation” continues to cash in.
The response:
With the start of basketball season, it’s time for our annual reminder that the NBA’s Chris Anderson is a shrieking pile of skeezy white trash douchewad. “Free Bird”? Really?
Someone named “Aaron Carter,” whom the reader who submitted this link tells me was once minimally famous, is now posting pics of himself as a greased up musclebag.
In the news: Superdouchey aspiring “rock band” shuts down the 101 freeway in Los Angeles in desperate attempt to gain fame. Zero Rockstar Leniency Rule for this shite.
But you are not here just to mock Chris Anderson and douchey metal bands. You are hear for Pear. It is your reward. For another week of bringing the mock. And here it is:
I would pedal uponst thine glutes like a cracked up ferret chasing a cube of government cheese.
Morty McSwag
If there’s one thing Morty learned in all his years on the Brooklyn Sanitation Department payroll, it’s that when choosing a tattoo, always make sure you have a matching shirt.
Shiny Jessica Simpson is either Jessica Simpson or a Jessica Simpson wannabe. Either way, boobs.
Smarmy Neil Gets Lucky
I almost wanna give Neil a nottadouche.
Sure Neil’s wearing classic ‘bag ‘beater and busting hand gesture #19.
But the look in his eyes betray the knowledge that scoring Freshman Hott Shannon in the cocktail dress is more good karma than his ancestors have earned.
Friday Haiku
Pap Pap’s Lil’ Girl,
Chooses life of selling pear,
To Sleazy Ryder.
Eyes Wide Shut Hott finds
Guy more douchey than Tom Cruise:
Mission Possible.
— Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser
Two more months stripping
Will have enough saved up to
Finish glute implants
— Vin Douchal
Barry drops 2 Large
For the chance to pose with Hott
Two months Kmart pay!!
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
Did Pap Pap tap tap?
She makes me wanna fap fap;
safer than clap clap.
— Wheezer
Pap Pap’s Salty Tears
Can’t Wash Away Stench Of Her
Mom and Dad’s Failure
— MC 900 Foot Douchebag
Winter is looming.
Business not booming. John
Boy saves for his tatt.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
“Grunge is still valid!”
Insists flannel-wearing choad
Gosh it’s hot in here.
— Douche Wayne
When your forearm tatt
Is how you identify
Your life is empty
— Mr. Scrotato Head
HCwDB on Black Velvet
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Hanging beautifully over your fireplace, or in your den, this mass produced artwork is a surefire conversation starter. Now you can dazzle your guests with hottie/douchey artwork for years to come!
And, if you’re one of the next twenty callers, we’ll even through in a free crotch rash! That’s a $9.99 value, your for free, just pay shipping, handling and Valtrex subscription.
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1-888-BAG-ITCH.
Ask DB1: Glenn Danzig?
—–
DB1,
My question is this: Is Glenn Danzig a douche? He’s from Jersey. He’s an overly muscled meathead. A youtube video search will yield evidence of proto alpha male behavior. The signs are there.
However, do his contributions to our subcultures override his douchiness? Where would we be without the Misfits? Or have bands like the Misfits spawned their own brand of douchiness? Does Rock Star Leniency rule apply?
-Onan the Barbarian
—–
Rockstar Leniency Rule applies only in allowing leeway for on-stage performative spectacle. It does not forgive off-stage scrote-assery. For instance, Gene Simmons in Kiss, Steven Tyler or Keith Richards do not get branded ‘bag for their spectacles, as it is part of the performative realm.
But John Mayer, far less douchier of clothing, qualifies for harboring the soul of a complete and total ‘bag.
Danzig is consistent to his world, has legit cred from his early days with the Misfits, and hasn’t created any douchey/slutty reality shows (see Michaels, Bret) or appeared on TMZ hitting on starlets. For that, he gets a Rockstar Leniency Rule excemption and a full nottadouche.
