Doucheysomething
How’s about a little retro look back at classic 1980s HCwDB while you mull your vote in the HCwDB of the Week?
HCwDB of the Week
It may seem more an anhillation than a competition this week in the Weekly.
With Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn having piled up an epic run of blowout doucheyness and barely legal hottness, this seems an epic smackdown of unfair proportions. But until the votes are counted, nothing is done yet. Here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalists #1: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn
From bathroom iPhone pics to bathroom iPhone pics with blonde girls, from Ubiquitous Red Cups to self portraits with strippers in strange bathrooms, from purple kissy lips to… well, that’s enough, isn’t it?
And by enough, I mean ubercraptastitude.
Brothabag Edgar, while neither Brothabag nor Edgar, is all that is Chinstrap about Chinos.
Josslyn is all that is just reaching 18 and already making terrible life choices.
Together, they form a toxic cohabit of hottie/douchey disaster.
But have they peaked too early? Have they worn out their welcome and turned off the voters of HCwDB? Will they burn out in a flame of hairspray and lighter fluid?
The votes have yet to be counted. And they’ve won nothing yet.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Calibag and Paid-to-Pose Pamela
Yo. Keepin’ it 6th Grade Geography Educationamal, yo.
Standard wannabe “rapsta” wanksta crud and eye meltingly hott paid to pose greatness, the Calibag is a formidable single contender ready to take down the heavy favorite of B.E.
Featuring the most obnoxious bling this side of an Armani-Exchange Shroud of Turin Neil Diamond limited edition, The Calibag brings asstastic excess in the age of economic recession.
And PTP Pam will drain your bank account and make out with your boss. She is why wars are started and suicide rates rise in urban environments.
Is tasteful Most Expensive First Date Hott and strange Asian rapsta pud with offensive bling enough to take down the favorite?
Perhaps. But there’s one more finalist to go.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Spud Douche
The Spud Douche is simple. Straightforward. Classic ‘bag. But maybe it’s a classic ‘bag with hott that’s enough to take down B.E. and a Calibag.
When not ignoring the uberhott Barbazons, Spud Douche is busy pointing out any and all nearby cameras.
And what of the Barbizons? Uberhott and Sapphos, two words that go together like horse and carriage.
It’s quality HCwDB any way you slice it. And by slice it, I mean mock with pensive aplomb.
The Barbizons made a second cameo appearance of sexy fondle in Joey Hoverbag’s presence, and then again when Joey Hoverbag couldn’t let lezbefriends be friends.
That’s a lotta hott. But enough to carry The Spud Douche to victory?
(Dis)honorable mention to Lake Crotchpuddle, The Boob Brothers, The Orangeman of Canceria, the real world beauty of Naomi and the toxic taint of The Hardpocalypse
Is this a coronation for Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn? or an upset in the making?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
MR. FAMOU$-FROLIC
Some see a simple parking lot at 2am.
Others see a chance to shock the world with hyphy phat dance moves that are balls out stylin’, yo.
Ask DB1: Tatt ’em and Taboo
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Dear DB1
I would like to start this question off with a simple reminder to all readers that I will submit unconditionally to the rulings of my fellow Bag-Hunters and the omnipotent DB1 regarding this matter.
That being said I am concerned with one of your older posts not quite hitting the nail accurately enough on the proverbial head. When you say that tattoos involving “tasteful or artistic” things are not inherently bag I would tend to disagree.
Perhaps this is only in my personal experience, but I have noticed a trend up here in my hometown whereby many people I know I tend to mock for douchebaggery due to their excessive tribal or likewise, only to learn that they are in fact passable as nottadouches! The opposite is true as well. Many people I meet in my day to day douche-mockery have “tasteful” tattoos and yet when pressed for a story or explanation for the origins of said tattoos, give excessively douchey responses.
So my question to you, all knowing father DB1 is this: Are not those with tasteful tattoos just as susceptible to levels of inherent douchebaggery? In this case for being pseudo-intellectual douches? And if so, are not those with tattoos of things they like, no matter how pointless they may seem, able to be passable as more than steaming piles of douche with a side of chode fries?
Sincerely,
Admiral “It’s a Douche-Trap!” Ackdouche
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This is an interesting point Admiral Ackdouche, and it reminds us that douchebaggery, and Bleethery in the females, is, of course, made up of a complex formulation of numerous variables (faux, tatts, sneery face, hand gestures, Ed Hardy, Axe bodyspray, etc.) in relational discourse.
Each of these variables can be mitigated as part of a larger whole in terms of critical analysis of the hottie/douchey ratio. Just as some hotties can offer one single hottribute, or simply be a sexy greater than the sum total of objectifications, so too can our ‘bags be marked. Tatts alone do not always tell the whole scrotal story.
Friday Thoughts and Links
If your mandana matches your wristdana, you might be a douchebag.
Dammit. I always hated Jeff Foxworthy’s one note “you might be a…” anti-comedy crappitude, yet here I am paying ode to his trite “family friendly” comedy pablum. The DB1 needs an extra serving of tasty Hostess snack cakes and quality fortified wine tonight.
Mmmm… Chocodiles. They’re like crocodiles. Only with chocolate.
Here’s your links:
There is one, and only one, DVD box set to own for the connoisseur of genius British comedy: And it is this.
Someone’s dad is happy to teach you Monkey Frolic. Nice futon, Mr. Herbert.
Crap, even the dogs are frolicking.
On site at Lollapalooza 2010, intrepid ‘bag hunter David tags us some Lady Gaga style Ass Pear. But no Indiebags, David?
Political blogger Andrew Sullivan catches Sarah Palin in a real scandal: Wearing Ed Hardy boots. I’d make fun of Palin for this, but I’m really just praying that someday she’ll finally go away and leave us be.
Speaking of republicans, Arizona congressional candidate Ben Quayle likes to pal around with Nik Ritchie of “The Dirty.” I’d rather pal around with terrorists.
While I loathe linking to The Chive (since they routinely steal HCwDB pics and terms without credit), their hoax sequence of a Librarian Hott quitting her job was pretty amusing. Or at least kinda sexy.
Speaking of the scrotebags at “The Chive,” how many times has The Chive ripped off HCwDB material without so much as a credit or a link? This many times. These asswipes makes “The Dirty” look like a peer reviewed journal.
But enough of your humble narrator’s grousing. It was a quality week and I tip my cup of Night Train to all of you who contributed brilliant comedy in the comments threads. So here’s your pear:
Like twin globes of fleshy cushion glory.
Tina Fails to Join Our Hallowed “Hall of Hott”
Yesterday, we held a quorum for Suckle Thigh Red Head Curvy Legged Tina’s application to our hallowed Hall of Hott.
The voters spoke. Alas, despite the perfection of completely perfect suckleable gnaw leggishness, she did not.
Sorry, Tina. I would suggest another pose to add to the arsenal. “Hand on Hip” is solid, but clearly not enough to become hott legend.
Naomi’s First Date With A Subtlebagger
Collar buttoned up, James just looks like another preening Wall Street asspud. But when the night cuts loose, the douchebag within releases.
Naomi’s first date just took a dark turn towards forced groping in the parking lot followed by fourteen text messages the next morning about how she has “daddy issues.”
Get out now, Naomi!! There’s still time to ditch James, text your BFF Lisa and see if that gallery opening is still going on.
Friday Haiku
DJ Hacky Hack,
Nadja reconsiders,
“Was Ukraine that bad?”
Friday the Thirteenth,
Triscrotedoucheaphobia:
Fear of pec reveal
— Wheezer
Boris shows off waxed chest
and hopes Nadja drinks
Ruffy filled Cape Cod
— mr.reeve
D & G dogtag
Douchebag diabetic shock
No sugar added
— Horace Dangleballs
Douche preens for the cam
Nadja wonders silently
“Do I smell Prep H?”
— Crucial Head
Athletes trained from birth
Their whole lives commited to
Pairs Thousand Yard Stare
— Mr. Scrotato Head
Oleg rocks Kiev
Massive E hit kicks in hard
Ignores Natasha
— SonnyChibaChoad
La Douchebag Loca!
She Bangs! She Bangs! He takes it!
Ricky Martin’s straight?
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
This Week in Basebaggery: Update
Yesterday we watched the story of Texas Hot Chick Sara who got beaned and her douchey boyfriend, Bo, who smirked it up afterward.
Today they appeared on The Early Show to reveal:
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Appearing on CBS’ “The Early Show” on Thursday morning, the running Romeo and jilted Juliet hemmed and hawed when asked by anchor Harry Smith if they were still an item.
“Well, I mean it’s not over because of the ball,” she said before trailing off.
——
Lets hope it’s over because of that chin fung. Video here.
The Calibag
Los Angeles is a diamond pimple on the ass of a blinged out California, a metaphor that works on so many levels I just sharted a euphemism for San Diego.
Paid-to-Pose Pamela is lickable sweatable most expensive first date hottness. I would buy her an Audi. She would smile wanly. Then ignore me to use her Blackberry to schedule a mani-pedi.
